A
female
age
,
*reen
writes:I need an advise about my marriage sittuation. Since 3 years ago my mother got very sick and I had to visit her every year for a long period of time.My husband is from a wealthy family and he kind of told me to stop everything and stay with my mom.I then,stopped working and went to my moms for about 3 months every year. Since last year,every time i came back,my husband was different,busy,working a lot,distant,with tons of friends on the phone,cell phone,and I also,started seeing that he would send many gifts (chocolates,and other stuff) to some friends-women.Some of his male friends told me he was different also.I was with mom and I couldnt think about anything.I was also feeling distant from him. I would call him all the time and he was there for me,on the phone,but when I was home,he wouldnt be with me.I felt that I was alone and was dealing with loosing my mom's disease alone.Mom died and he didnt come to stay with me.I felt that he was running from my grief process.He was all the time ok on the phone,but I couldnt have him with me -to hold me,to be there physically for me. Looks like he doesnt want to have a sad person near him,and I felt completely alone on mom's grief process.Now I feel that I need some time out,and I am telling him I am gonna go away. I feel that when he needs me I am there for him all the time,and when I need him he runs.He thinks a lot on money,bills,how to pay and take care of the house,but I feel alone in my love connection with him.When I needed him the most,even our sex life went off,just for him.Now that mom is gone and ""i am ok"' he wants to start over.He just told me that he felt I didnt love him anymore,but I told him that I was grieving.He takes all for him. I have a huge hole on my chest now,and I need love,start working again....and I dont need to have someone to pay the bills and freaks out with the economy ,politics,and talks about problems all the time.I want something else. Maybe I am looking for something that is not there. He is all loving NOW after I asked for a time,for the divorce and also I told him that I dont want his money -so,he is seeing that I want love,not his money,so He is all love.NOW he wants to have sex,cares me,wants to ""start all over"" like nothing happening!!!! I cant understand that! His father has tons of money and his family is fighting for the will,but this is a small thing for me. They ,his family,only think on money,bills,properties...I want to live,to love.With him is just sadness all the time,fightings,problems....I want a simple and loving life. I DO love him a lot,but something happening with me.Something is broken and he doesnt want to see this.He wants to see that all is ok and we will start over like nothing happening.I told him that I am gonna move to another continent and he said we could get in touch,that we can go back together in some years that he will never get marriaged again because I am the one.He also said he was there for me and he doesnt understand what I want.He said he was all the time loving me and MAYBE he had a bad communication.NO,I told him all the time I need someone with me,that I needed him to help me with my mothers disease.Maybe he doesnt know how to deal with this kind of problems. I am completely confused.Maybe if I stay he will go back to his work again,and all will be the same.NOW he is loving,but then in some months he will go back to the ""money,bills,politics,finances,friends"" again.Maybe I am the one wrong here.Maybe I am the bad one here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): Different people process grief and handle problems differently. Some people just want to be left alone and find it an added burden to have to interact with others, even their own loved ones. Others find comfort in carrying on as if everything is normal otherwise they will sink into a dark hole of despair if the grief is confronted head on.
So he could be someone who handles grief that way or that's how he saw others in his family doing it and thinks that is how everyone does it so he let you be on your own because that is how he would want it if it was him.
I think you should talk with him to understand why he "abandoned " you and express to him how hurt you are. It will not be good to continue a relationship where HE thinks that nothing significant happened in your life during that period. He needs to know how deeply he had hurt you even though it might not have been his fault.
He says he didn't abandon you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 November 2013):
 He's probably a person who grieves alone and thinks that everybody grieves the same way. You also assume that he knows what you want. He's showing love to you by giving you space and handling the household by himself. He really is confused here and when you said you are leaving he is even more confused. You want him there and then you don't want him there. No one is right or wrong. Neither of you are mind readers so you just have to communicate better.
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