A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I've been married for about 6 months now, and my husband has never been to my parents home...ever. We all live in the same city, I've been to his mum's a ton, same with his other family. He's been around my family plenty, but my mum always skirts around him coming inside? Like she'll say it's too messy or something, so it's ok for me to be inside but not him. It's no secret that she really didn't approve (for religious reasons) that we were together without being married for a while, but after we finally got married she seemed really happy and open and friendly... anyway Thanksgiving just passed and I figured for sure she couldn't avoid him coming over this time right? Wrong lol ...we went to ...IHOP. It's funny cuz she's always been the turkey dinner at home type since before I can remember, and I kinda suspect that after she left IHOP with us, they went home and did the dinner (we went to dine with his family after)Anyway, do you think it's worth explicitly asking about? Or should I just stop caring as long as my husband has a decent relationship with them...cuz he does. it's just this one little detail that's so irksome. Should I even care WHY she wont let him in the house, is that important to figure out? I don't want to make it a dramatic deal since whatever her problem is, she has at least been very civil about it, polite enough to make up seemingly valid excuses and such, but exactly how long is she going to keep this up? We're expecting... and it is going to be VERY awkward if she thinks I can bring her grandchild by to visit but not my husband lol. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 November 2013):
 You write: "....Or should I just stop caring as long as my husband has a decent relationship with them...cuz he does...."
CORRECTION: He DOESN'T have a decent "relationship" with your family.... at least, not with your MOTHER!!!!
You can sweep it under the carpet now... as you did with that phrase.... but it WILL fester... and, someday, you (and hubby.... and Mummy) will have to face up to this...
Good luck....
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (30 November 2013):
 Yes, I would explicitly ask her. Whatever her reason(s), this is something that's only going to get more awkward as time goes by, especially after your child is born. Kids are way better than we give them credit for at picking up on tension and sooner or later your little one will be old enough to think it's weird that Daddy isn't ever allowed to visit Grandma with you. Not a very healthy dynamic for your mother to model to her grandchild... so don't allow it.
And I agree completely with SVC - if there is any conflict or putting down of feet over this, your allegiance MUST be to your growing family. Let your mother know in no uncertain terms that you and your husband are a package deal and she can't have one of you but not the other.
Best wishes with this. I sincerely hope for you that she is willing to listen. Life is way too short to nurture grudges against those who make our loved ones happy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): Hi, OP here,@YouWish: actually ever since I moved out the house has been cleaner than ever, despite the boys still living at home lol, so no... tho she says it's messy, I really don't think it ever is.@WiseOwlE: lol, no no the thing she disproved of was our relationship BEFORE we were married, she wouldn't even speak to him because we were sexually involved/living together. Yes there are other details there, and while I don't believe he's done her wrong, she was very vocal up till we got married that she considered his actions very disrespectful since he did not approach my parents before approaching me (thats the general story) Afterwards, like I said, she's all smiles and gifts but... yeh this deal with him never being able to go inside due to w/e excuse is just annoying. We're all African American for whatever that's worth. Probably more useful to know we're Muslim (him included)@So Very Confused: no, I guess thats the main thing I'm wondering is if it's worth asking ... I'm thinking about asking my dad since I'm 90% sure this is all her
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 November 2013):
 Is your mom OCD? Is she a hoarder or something where she doesn't want him to see the mess? It does sound like it's a bit of an anxiety thing with her. Either way, you and this guy are married now, so your mom should do something about the anxiety or risk losing you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2013): Your mother has a very strange religion. I don't know of any benevolent form of worship that requires you to deny your daughter's husband entry into your home.Your mom may be suffering a bit of a mild mental disorder; if she is that adamant about keeping your husband out of the house. Sorry, that goes beyond irksome. It's not reasonable behavior. You're playing it down, but in your heart you know it's wrong. You're also holding back details. I know it.There may have been a confrontation between them she never exposed, or something is a little unbalanced. It's your mother; but please don't take offense. It's just that this man is your husband, and there is a point where you reconcile differences; unless this man has done her harm.He's family now. As a religious woman; she is compelled by most religions to offer forgiveness and love. She is implying that she sees him as less than a dog, and wouldn't let him past her door under any circumstances. Unless she is a hoarder, how bad is her housekeeping?Call it out for what it is. Don't play if off. What's his nationality? I smell bigotry.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2013):
 Personally if it was ME and my spouse was not welcome in my parents home I'd not be going there either...
it's weird that she's nice to him in public but won't let her in the home... have you ASKED her why?
I'd ask her why and hear her out and then I'd say
"mom you are my birth family but hubby is my chosen family and if you can't welcome him the same way you welcome me then I will have to decline all future invites to your home as my allegiance must be to my spouse and growing family"
but then I'd be fine with my mom blowing a hissy fit at me.
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