A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My marriage is falling apart and has been for some months.We aren't close and don't have a marriage in the true sense. We are more like friends now.Trust issues years ago regarding my husband haven't helped either.We've been married nearly 24 years with 2 children of 20 and 15 who we both adore.Today I went to the hair salon for a quick trim my husband was in the pub opposite watching his football team play on the screen. He'd only been there for an hour or so. He came over to the salon and opened the door saying loudly he hoped they were able to get rid of all my grey hair. I have blonde hair and roots which are grey but at the age of 44 I get told I look years younger. That is irrelevant however I felt so humiliated and hurt.He has never been in this salon so the girls there don't know him. He thought he was being funny but it's backfired on him. He made himself look bad and they looked disgusted. The manager herself who was styling someone's hair turned round and said that is just mean because of his comment. My hair dresser who I've known for years looked uncomfortable when he walked in. I said to him you've been drinking and to leave.He's lucky I drove him home because I was feeling so angry.I've been thinking of divorce prior to this because there is nothing there anymore and now I just feel worthless which isn't me. I'm quite a strong person and usually just get on with things no matter what.I told him he had made a fool of himself and our kids wouldn't be impressed and he said they would find it funny. They won't in particular our daughter the 15 yr old. She will be disgusted with his behaviour and our son won't be impressed I'm sure.My husband travels with his job and is flying to America Wednesday for a week and I can't wait now. How did it come to this?
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female
reader, Slippers +, writes (24 January 2016):
I agree totally with wise owl .. as a mental health nurse I can only add.. that take your time to think fully through " what you want " .. do you still love him ? Would be the first important q's .. can you work through this. Can he change .. do you two have to refind each other ..
Once you know what you want .. feel .. then make plans .. changes to make you happy . Life is short ..
Take care and we are here if you need us .
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): Honestly, the comment about your greys was not a big deal on its own. My husband and I can joke like that and take it in stride... What it was to you, however, was the straw that broke the camel's back. All the resentment and animosity you've been harbouring towards your husband all these years just came to a head. This episode just pushed you over the edge.Instead of complaining and going in circles the rest of your life, do something about it. Too many people complain about bad marriages and spouses they no longer love yet they continue to remain in unfulfilling marriages. It isn't easy to leave. It isn't easy to start over. But it's better than living in misery. You will experience upheaval and stress for awhile due to the changes but eventually things will settle and fall into place. A place where you will be happier. It is called your new normal.And in this new normal, there is the promise of happiness and finding a man who will make you truly happy.I did it. I left my husband of 18 years for similar reasons and am now happily remarried. I don't look at it as having wasted all those years together while married. I saw it as being on the right path towards the man I was supposed to be with. Everything happens for a reason.And most importantly, life is short.You know the marriage is dead. But it takes courage to do something about it. You are still young enough to move on but in 10-15 years it will not be so easy and you will ve stuck with him.Can you live with that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2016): Well, you've been married 24 years. You should have an idea of how it has come to this. There was a time when you simply shrugged-off his bad behavior. You sucked it up, because you were married. Maybe you figured that's just how he is. You've allowed him to be exactly what he is. Until age has made what he has always been, even worse. Like wine gone sour! You're totally saturated, and can't take him anymore.
I doubt this is some drastic change or sudden turn-around. This guy has been a jerk all along, and you've endlessly forgiven him over and over. Like so many women who want to be and stay married. You take the good with the bad. You say you're friends. Maybe that's all you've ever been, and you're finally tired of being married to a jerk.
First of all, you can't run to get a divorce every-time your man hurts your feelings. So like a trooper, you've stuck by his side. That's the makings of a good wife.
However; being a care-giver and loyal person may allow you to let too much slide. You are too embarrassed to admit that your marriage is failing, and no one likes to see the expressions on everyone's face when they get the news your marriage is now a statistic. So, you grin and bear it. Let more years slide by.
There's a major problem in communication. The lack of trust and respect; when he doesn't know when he's hurting your feelings. The incident you described was drunken stupidity. However; it was this situation added to a long history of events that have finally come to this. Age has lowered your tolerance-level. You've lived in denial that you may have married a fool. But, you loved that fool. Now it's hard to continue.
While he's away, assess your marriage. Introspect. Weigh your pros and cons, and don't let an incident of embarrassment lead you to any decision. Let your choices and decisions be founded on the overall quality of your marriage. Hurt feelings often get a knee-jerk reaction; but you know who this guy is, and who he has always been in your marriage. Don't pretend it's new. You must have wanted to dump him royally for years! We're not supposed to tell you what to do. That's your decision.
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