A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are having problems in our marriage; I have been great difficulty living in a marital relationship that is almost entirely devoid of physical intimacy. This is with the kiss, touch, embrace and sex. For the past ten years we have had sex perhaps twice a year. This has happened when we have been on holiday or when she has had a drink. I think that she can not stand to look at me in this way and she would pull away from me if I made moves towards her. She simply said it was not what she wanted. It seems that I must now accept her wishes, while she is reluctant to recognise my needs. I have never been unfaithful to her in the 30 years we have been together. However recently I found that I was very attracted to a work colleague and I had a rush of feelings that I only experienced when I first met my wife. This was not just about sexual desire but had all of the things that I would hope for in my current relationship.I would have had an affair with her if she had been willing, through a work friend she has made very clear that she was not attracted to, or had the desire to go out with an older man. I have not made any moves towards her or said how I feel. I have realised that it would have been a hopeless situation and one that she would not have wanted. I suppose that I was just a foolish old man looking for signs of affection.I told my wife that I had had this experience in the hope that she would understand that I had needs, also I hoped that it would re-kindle our relationship, she did not respond to me in positive way. I have made move towards my wife, to see if she would respond to me but she seem happy to continue with the way things are. She has said that she wants a friendship type of marriage. I can understand that my wife now feels that I have betrayed her trust and hurt her, but these have been only about feelings and not acts of infidelity. I also feel that if this situation in our marriage was to carry on then we will split up. I am becoming very defensive and when we have discussed it nothing ever gets accomplished or any solutions are created.Can you help me?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): If she wanted a friendship then she shouldn't have got married. Marriage is supposed to me more than friendship. It sounds like she wants it this way and she doesn't particularly care what you want. There is one word for that and it is selfish. Like the others said councilling is perhaps the only chance but she may refuse to go. Problems are very hard to resolve when one person doesn't see it as a problem or isn't willing to try and work it out. Her feeling hurt about your work crush isn't exactly reasonable as she was treating you this way long before that happened so what was her reason back then?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Counselling babes, you need married counselling. The could be a million reasons why your wife feels like this.. The list is endless and in counselling you and she could work through them together. She could have issue arround her body, her age, If she is the same age as you, either her body or her hormones could be going through changes. She could have fallen out of love with you as little resentments have built up. She could be depressed, she could be regretting all the things she missed... Have a heart heart talk to her. Tell her exactly what you have told us. Tell her how much you miss holding her and being close to her. Remind her how you both felt when you were first married.. Maybe she would like more romance... You need to both sit down and talk about what you would like your marriage to look like. No blame, no shouting, to anger, just plain old talking about how you are feeling about the lack of sexual intimacy with your wife. Then try to see a counsellor together to get to the heart of the matter.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (2 October 2008):
 I'm sorry it has come down to that in your marriage. I personally find it odd that one would get married to establish a pemanent friendship.....and it has always been my understanding that love and attraction were big aspects of a healthy marriage. Seems she is simply not attracted to you (or maybe anyone). So, why should you bow your head like a punished puppy eveytime you come to her for affection? She really should understand that this was the reason you married her in the first place. I admire your will to somehow make this work. If you have expressed to her that you are not in this marriage for a friendship and she has no respect for your needs (which are far from unreasonable) perhaps suggesting marital therapy would be a final option. I may not have givin you advice on "what to do" but I would like you to know that your outlook on marriage is normal, and yes, I think it is very odd your wife basiclly wants to be friends.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (2 October 2008):
 Sex is not a need, it is a want, but God Bless you for being physically faithful to her.
When you told her that story it was like you were saying, "See what you could've caused by not sleeping with me?" It's not her fault that you were tempted by your own desires.
I think a marriage can be a marriage without sex or sexual acts, but why didn't she discuss these things with you before the marriage? It's not fair to trap someone into a situation that they don't want to be in. Enquire about her past, I know this is a very old age, but still, she might be being haunted by events in her past. If this is the case, therapy can help.
She may have a low sex drive. In this case, maybe some horny goat weed might help. lol Just talk to her and find out why she doesn't want sex. There could be many reasons.
1) past trauma
2) no sex drive
3) she is too tired
4) she finds you unattractive
Maybe she is going through menopause and feels weird down there. Just talk to her and try to find out why. Say that you are not pressuring her and that you will not try to argue with her, but that you just want to know why, and if she tells you the reason, you could ask her, well do you want to work on that, or just continue as we are?
If she says to "just continue as we are" then you've got to consider if this is going to work for you or not.
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A
female
reader, Jenniferdz7 +, writes (1 October 2008):
I see you have a couple of options. The lust you have over your coworker is just lust and you are feelling like a boy again. Men sexuality never really die down, but women do. The way I see it is that she may be stressed out and that is why you only have sex on holidays or when she drinks, those are all relaxers.
You could try giving her a drink and see if that will relax her to want to me intimate with you.
Also, try romancing her, candel light dinner, lighted candels roses every where, setting the mood for her, like sweeping her off her feet.
Also, try fixing yourself up, working out and dressing nice. Acting like you know your hot and showing you only eyes for her. Sometimes, women at your age start to feel down on themselves because they all want to look and feel young.
If you truly love her, I would forget about that coworker and not think about splitting up. It will make things worse for you and her.
Try to remeber what turns her on! Remember to try to maker her feel young again.
I hope this helps.
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