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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been with the same girl for 9 years. We recently got married and have been living together for over 7 years.To cut a long story I have ended up sleeping with her best friend and as a result I have ended the relationship with my wife. At first I guess I thought there was hope for me and the friend who is married, but this was of course not realistic. In the end that turned out to be an infatuation between us that went no further and neither of us want it too. The problem I have is I am wracked with guilt and feel I should tell the truth to my wife. To clear my conscience, to let her know the reason why we ended and to let her know what kind of friend she is loaded with. I realise the kind of person I am and I feel sick with what I have done, and the fact that her friend can look her in the eye without concern makes me worry for any future men my ex may see.Should I tell the truth or carry this to my grave?
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female
reader, honest&devoted +, writes (12 August 2005):
Please listen to me. Your wife deserves to know the truth. Honesty is always best.Think of everything she meant to you and what she has contributed to your life.
There is nothing better than complete honesty.Trust me, you need to clear your conscience and be honest with yourself and your wife.
Wouldn't you want to know the truth,if it was the other way around? She may initially be disappointed and hurt but she may also make the decision to forgive you.
The fact is that no matter what her reaction is, it is better she knows that you are now honest with her and is no longer keeping her in the dark.
Follow your heart and think of hers also!
A
reader, pops +, writes (19 July 2005):
Keep you mouth shut. Your wife doesn't need to know about your fling with her " best friend". Its not unusual for women to see if they can seduce their friend's boyfriends and husbands. It has to do with their relationship with your wife, and nothing to do with you. Sometimes, it also involves their relationship with their husband or bf, but not usually. She has already made up her mind that cheating on her husband or bf is okay. So, that leaves you to learn something from this. First, you will continue to be attracted to other women throughout your life. That is the way God made you. Accept it. Stopping beating yourself up. It is up to you to say " No" when some woman makes the moves on you. Married men, and particularly recently married men seem to be targets for some women. They want to see if they can steal the man away, or, they may just be attracted to a man who will go through with marriage to a woman, rather than just living with her. I never had so many woman show interest in me until the first year I was married. MY wife thinks it has to do with pheromones, that are given off by both the sexes when they are sexually active. I am not considered to be a " Hunk", or particularly good looking, so go figure. Ask yourself what was the attraction that led you to have the brief union with this woman? Was she what you expected? Is this something that your wife is not doing for you? Marriage, even after living together, is a whole new event, and the parties have to make some mental changes about the relationship. Now that you have official approval for living together, and being lovers, don't forget that your relationship requires work, daily. You have to talk to your wife about everything, and you have to share everything. Does she wash your back in the shower every morning before you go to work? Do you wash hers? Do you give her a foot massage at the end of the day, and then massage the cramps out of her legs, and thighs, and whatever? Do you surprise her with a flower and a salacious note delivered to her during the day, just because you love her? Do you do things around the house to help her with " chores" that you were trained to believe were " women's work"? Do you still go out on dates with her? Spend time pampering your wife, instead of telling her rotten her " best friend" is. She will figure out her "best friend " on her own. Or, the friend may tell her about the two of you, just to spike your relationship. If your wife confronts you with it, then is the time to be honest with her. By then, you should have a better idea of " why " you did it, so that the two of you can have an adult discussion about your relationship, where it was at the time you got involved with her friend, what it was and what it wasn't, and how you decided that your relationship with her meant far more to you than you relaized, your regrets, and your determination to work harder on your relationship with her. If you have taken my suggestions, she will realize that you really do love her, and that she can really trust you in the future because you have learned from this mistake. Pops
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A
female
reader, mothergoose +, writes (19 July 2005):
As you should be wracked with guilt! I don't know if telling your wife will make things better between you two..but it might give your wife "Clousure" on the situation. Most women never do get the straight answer of why the relationship ended. As far as her friend is concerned..in reallity she is no friend at all. To go and sleep with her friends Husband,and then to cheat on her Husband? This woman obviously doesn't have a concience! I think it would be fair to come clean with your wife although you may have to suffer the repercussions in doing so. You should also warn your wife about her so-called-friend. This might help you deal with what you are going through yourself and its a very difficult situation to be in..believe it or not your wife although she may be devastated about the truth, she can at least admit that you had the decency to tell the entire truth and come clean about yourself and her friend!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (19 July 2005):
What a dilemma!
you are right to worry about any future men that your ex may see, but on the oither hand, your ex's friend never MADE you sleep with her and if you had been 100% commited to your wife, you wouldnt have done so, but im sure you know this already.
Your wife has a right to know the reason why you split, but if you tell her, she will lose a friend too (albeit not a very good friend).
My personal opinion is that you should tell your ex wife because if i were in her shoes I would want to know why my husband left me and would want to know just what my friend was capable of.
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