A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi ive been with my bf for about a yr and 8months i love him too bits but we have had our fair share of problems. Anyway hes got a lot of insecurity issues that it has sort of influenced me in a way. Well the problem is we just seem to hurt eachother so much over these issues. As for me i find it hard that when were out im always looking out for a pretty girl that he might take a glimpse at. I mean he swears he doesn't look but hes a guy were all human and even i look at guys, well only those that stand out. But i think nothing of them it's only human but i hate the feeling of him looking at other pretty girls...it's more like them girls having what i don't have. Please, help we both got bad insecurity issues how can we combat this.Thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, maverick  +, writes (1 May 2007):
 Hello. Thank you for the other information.
It does seem that contrary to what he says - he has not gotten over his experience with his first cheating girlfriend. As unpleasant as it is to say - people past experiences will effect future experiences.
This coupled with his personal status being in a big family (people in big families don't usually get a lot of time and attention with other members) and not being well off (I think you mean not being financially secure) will very likely dent any guys self-esteem. Many guys go through the process of "Why did she leave me?" - if it's because of another guy, then the boyfirend will not feel very low about himself. Thoughts of "What's wrong with me?" and "I must be useless as a boyfriend" can pop into their heads (as I have found out :( This is horrible for confidence's sake. Losing your girlfirend to another guy can feel like your worth as a man has been questioned.
In this situation, he needs to be at ease with himself and realise that he is/can be a good bloke - he needs to feel he worth something that way he feel that he is attractive. Let him have more time to himself, encourage him to take up more hobbies, learn stuff, go out more, do charity work, take up running... and support him - you should do the same for yourself too. Ideally you want him to develop new positive habits - Why would you two want to do that you ask?
Well, getting someone to invest in themselves is a good way to boost you self-esteem. "I am pretty healthy now - I've been jogging for a while." You're healthy? Thats great - thats something positive about you. "I do charity work" - you like to help and you are approachable? Bonus. "I'm learning how to speak japanese" (I really am) Now you can understand those foreign films?
Doing little bits and pieces is a bit like padding out your resume. You wanna list your skills and qualifications? Well you two should both do the same and show that you both have positive points that attract others to you. From there youshould look to develop trust once you two feel better about your selves.
As for you honey specifically I can aprreciate the horro of your first serious relationship. My first serious one was at 17 so don't worry about being 18. You will develop more interpersonal skills as you get on. In the meantime I would recommend communication books and volunteer work (you have to meet and deal with many people) to help with your people skills.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi sorry just to give you more detail about my situation is that he is my very 1st boyfriend and hes had many girls in his life. I have always been the shadow of girls growing up and when i finally get this guy(you see im 19) and its taken me till the age of 18 to get a boyfriend so everything is a new experience to me. As for my boyfriend he has really bad insecurities you are right as you mentioned hes come from a big family and isn't well off and a big contribution to his insecurities has stemmed from a past relationship. His first love cheated on him you see...he tells me hes over it but hes afraid that another guy will take me away from him because i have been asked out lately by a couple of guys. But i love him and him only and it doesnt seem to be enough.
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A
male
reader, maverick +, writes (29 April 2007):
Hello.
You sound like you are stuck in an insecurity issue here. The thing you need to do is find out why you are insecure about these things and then ciope with them.
From you example; you say you thinks he looks at "other pretty girls". And you feel that these girls have something you don't have. What do they have? What does it matter if he looks at other girls? Are you afraid he will leave for them?
All insecurities people have stem from fear (for whatever reason - dying, being alone, unloved, poor, etc). Your fears then manifest themselves in insecurties. I think you two should sit down and consider this in a deep conversation. Saying "I want you to stop looking at other girls" is only looking at a sympton not the cause of the problem.
You can deal with many problems with a lot of understanding. Do you two "understand" each other? When was the last time either of you said "I feel (emotion) because of (event)"?
I noticed you said "hes got a lot of insecurity issues that it has sort of influenced me in a way". So has he effected you in a negative way? You should reconsider your whole relationship as this is not a healthy development.
The situation suggests you are not happy with yourself (I don't know why - not enough info), but you should look to make yourself happier as a very important point in your life.
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