A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My long-term girlfriend and I have had many ups and downs over the years. Unfortunately, we're both hard headed and when we disagree, we fight. More unfortunately, those fights usually result in her breaking up. Within a few days I am always the one to bring us back together by putting aside my ego and hardhead first. However, things have gotten rougher and rougher and about 10 days ago we had another stupid fight which resulted in her sending me another breakup email. I never responded, mainly because I was crushed and so tired of being hurt like this.On Friday she texted me to say she missed me. I did not respond.Yesterday, she texted me to say she missed me and she is struggling with all of this even though it was her decision. I did not respond.Last night she texted me and asked if I was interested in coming over for a "booty call." I did not respond. An hour later she said she wouldn't ask again. I haven't heard from her since.I would love for us to work things out permanently, and have a relationship that even though we fight sometimes, there's at least some commitment by both of us that we won't throw each other away (break up) and we can get through anything together. But if it's more of the same, I just can't do it anymore. And I'm miserable. I want to text her, call her, see her, so badly.Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): Your preferred method of retreat and silence isn't working. Your disagreements end in angry arguments; because neither of you are listening to each other. You're both trying too hard to convince each other who's right and who's wrong. You're both too set in your ways.
Your hearing (on both sides) is impaired by shouting and exchanging angry words that go completed around the problem. You don't directly address it. That's a way of avoiding change, and having your way. Tie things up at the negotiation table; and it's business as usual.
She's unyielding; and for her, every argument is a power-struggle. For you, it's probably just another bitch-session where you have to sit and listen to her grocery-list of what's wrong with you. Nobody wants to listen to that. Even if every word of it is true. Least of all, when it's true.
The real problem behind most relationships in a cycle of breakup/make-up, is incompatibility. You're physically attracted to each other, you enjoy sex with each other; but your personalities and values clash.
She's trying to make you over into the man she wants you to be, but you're too old. You trivialize the ongoing battles as ups and downs. You're at war, and your personalities collide outside the bedroom. The bedroom is apparently your only neutral-zone. Thus a truce is called by offering a booty-call.
That's not how grown-ups settle disagreements and solve problems. You have to have calm discussions. You have to state your concerns calmly; leaving out sarcasm and non-constructive criticism. That's hard between two head-strong people. That's what incompatibility means. You don't know how to effectively communicate. Compromise isn't considered, because it means surrender; and neither of you make necessary attitude adjustments. You stay the same, and all you do is call a truce and cease-fire. Until the next battle.
I think you and your girlfriend are now ready to call it quits. I don't think counseling will help people who have incompatible personalities. The mediation process may teach you how to communicate and express your feelings; but from what you've described, I think it's two people holding-on for old-time's sake. You'd really like to breakup, but you're afraid of facing the unknown. The love-hate relationship you have is all you have.
You're both afraid there's nobody out there willing to put-up with either of you. Maybe, maybe not. You can't survive on a relationship where there is more fighting than peace and love. Experience and maturity is supposed to make us more skilled at handling relationships.
Seriously consider calling an end to it. I don't think there's any middle-ground; or people your age would have reached it by now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do NOT want it to be the final breakup. But Honeypie made a point that I've never really realized before...when it comes to saying she wants to break up and actually breaking up, her actions don't match her words. I mean, I've always known that the "break ups" don't last but they have always seemed like that's what she really wants. I don't know why but Honeypie's post made me realize that if she really wanted to break up, she would. It sounds simple as I'm typing this, but it really is somewhat of an epiphany.In any event, you both are right. I will respond to her efforts to communicate try to talk through things with maturity. I'm not confident it won't just turn into another fight with us blaming each other for our problems but I'm going to try not to allow that to happen, at least from my side.Thank you both.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 August 2017):
 Do you WANT it to be the final break up or not?
You say you want to resolve it, yet you ignored her the 3 times she reached out. So your actions don't match your words.
When you have a partner who threatens break up every time things don't work out there is a disconnect between HER actions and HER words as well.
Which means? You both SUCK at communicating, compromising and problem-solving. Even if you two DID break up - both of you would run into the same issue with a new partner, no doubt.
It's not about being "hard headed" it's about NOT dealing with the issues in a way that WORKS.
My advice? Find some books on "how to fight fair", "how to communicate effectively" and "how to set boundaries".
For you to ALWAYS be the one crawling back after a fight and for her to ALWAYS threaten to break up - it has become a bad habit and a vicious cycle. How do you stop it? Well, you CAN sit her down and TALK about it, and talk about HOW to work on those issues. Will that "fix" it? It might not, it might partially fix things and it might make you realize you are tired of doing the same thing over and over and NOT be getting the outcome you want.
When I first read your post I HAD to check the age group because it felt like teenage drama not that of supposedly mature folks in their 40's. So that is another issue. Maturity.
First, though, I think you need to decide what you REALLY want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Some people might refer to this as a head game of some sort because it does in deed play with the head. It's the final breakup when either you or her get tired of working it out, which seems to be your case. It could possibly be many things causing her to flee when things go sour.
One, she could be damaged in the sense that she feels the arguing will automatically result in a breakup so she accepts that and leaves every time, which could indicate she has sever abandonment issues stemming from earlier life experiences.
Two, you might be telling her everything she needs to hear when you're convincing her to come back, she comes back only to find it's another dead end argument and then leaves again. Upon doing so you've reinforced her expecting you to call.
Or three, she's causing the arguing as an excuse to have a few days of freedom. IMO it really boils down to what kind of person she is in general. By the details you've given it sounds like she waits around for you to contact her again. So what she does during the time off is important to consider too. It sounds as though she's calling you for her sexual needs, so she's probably not getting them met elsewhere if that makes you feel any better.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that her behavior is acceptable by any means. It's an issue she should care enough to deal with. One might consider me more of a problem solver while many other people will tell you to simply throw the relationship away, something that's become too common in today's world and perhaps is the reason some people grow up to have such issues. It boils down to what's in your heart.
You shouldn't have to go through the relationship feeling like you'll be dumped at any minute. That's no way to be treated. Normal people don't give such ultimatums constantly. If you decide to contact her again make this known.
My sister does this with her boyfriend constantly. Though I'll assume she's way younger then your girlfriend because she's fresh out of highschool. I expect she'll learn the hard way that adult relationships don't work the same. Luckily she has a very tolerant boyfriend who pretty much ignores it and doesn't take her seriously when she does it. Otherwise he'd probably move on rather quickly while she's gone and she'd be salty.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (29 August 2017):
Well it seems that yo have correctly identified that your methods of conflict resolution are very poor, and that this cycle of fight, breakup and reconciliation needs to be broken. But you have chosen silence as your response, not as would seem to be the best option, just telling her what you have told us. You can appear vulnerable anonymously, but not in front of the person to whom this vulnerability would have the most melting effect. You have nothing to lose- the relationship is at an end it appears- just calmly explain- in an email if its easier what you have said here. If it results in a similar response consider a course in effective communication together, counselling if you like to help you both talk and argue constructively. You have made the first steps- Good luck
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