A
male
age
51-59,
*odanda
writes:I am a married man who was in a monogamous relationship with my wife for seven years. I was a virgin before marriage. My wife was the first and only sexual partner. I went to a massage parlour in an inebriated condition while on a business trip to a non english speaking country five years ago. I just wanted a happy ending. Due to language problem the masseur provided me unprotected oral for 20 seconds. I did not resist since this was my first oral experience in my life. The masseur opened the condom pack with her mouth.Before I could realise the masseur was riding on me. Later I later developed foreskin irritation. Doctors said its prostatitits. Due to guilt, I told this to my wife and she was very angry. Later my wife also told sorry from her part. My wife said she will be more co-operative. I wonder why my wife apologized. She should have become angry and sued me. From that day my wife is not sleeping with me although my tests are negative for all STDs except HSV 1 IgG (doctors say its very common). My wife does not love me any more and this has taken a toll on me. Doctors are saying I should have regular sex. I am not interested in sex outside marriage because the above only disaster encounter. Is my wife sleeping with some one else? My wife always reminds me of the past incident.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2017): My dear sir, abuse and violence in a marriage destroys all that a marriage is. It cancels the vows you both made to each other; to love one another, and to bind your union. Your wife is far too angry to reason with, and sex is the last thing she wants to offer you.
Your wife is very unhappy with you. Your story is a very sad and moving one; but you keep asking for guidance when there is only one solution. You are simply not welcome in your home; and it makes no sense that your wife threatens suicide if you leave. The fact she didn't succeed the first attempt may indicate she really will not kill herself. It was a dramatic-performance for the sake of manipulation and theatrics. It also seems she needs psychotherapy as well.
There is little advice to offer anyone who is in an abusive marriage or relationship, who will not leave it. If your spouse refuses any counseling or uses psychological-blackmail to control the marriage; you'll have to seek your own professional-counseling. And/or, a good divorce attorney.
Your daughter is probably going through puberty; or just being the typical teenager. If you let her disrespect you as a parent, what advice can anyone offer you? If you're submissive to all the abuse; I am not certain of your purpose for seeking our advice, unless you only need to vent. The advice this time, is consistent with what we told you the last time.
Venting is okay to openly express and release your anguish; but professional-counseling is absolutely necessary in your case. It is essential to deal with your trauma and stress. Perhaps it will be helpful in gaining the courage to leave your wife.
You really have no choice; unless you're into sadomasochism. Your excuses why you stay with a woman who beats you up, yells at you, and denies you intimacy defies reason. A therapist will help you figure-out why. It won't be for the reasons you gave us, for sure.
I speculate you're shunning a divorce and all the hell that will entail. Now if you would be honest with us, I think that would be more feasible.
Living in hell isn't going to cure the HSV 1, cruelty isn't changing anything, and remaining in your situation for illogical reasons is just what abused people do who don't seek professional-help for their mental-health.
I might recommend you find a more reputable doctor. The medical advice you described previously seems unprofessional and inaccurate. It sounds like advice you picked-up from the know-it-all sitting at the corner of a bar. "You need sex?"
That's odd medical-advice.
Sir, you add new elements each time you write your posts, looking for sympathy. Sympathy isn't what you need.
All the time you've spent seeking unprofessional advice; you could have sought comfort and treatment from a better source. That would be a trained and licensed-therapist who can offer you counseling; and perhaps prescribe medication for your apparent depression and stress.
You're a perfect candidate for group-therapy for battered-husbands. You could share your story with other husbands in your situation; and that may offer you the kind of help you've been looking for.
A
male
reader, Kodanda +, writes (1 September 2017):
Kodanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your efforts & valuable time in answering. Yes you are correct and read my reports earlier. My earlier writing was also the same. I am not lying. Your answers will be based on what I write here which is true. I am depending on answers from selfless-people like you all which will improve the quality of our life. I cannot talk this to anyone & thats why I am here. Battered husbands cannot recognize they are being abused for unknown reasons which I am experiencing & I accept I have done a mistake. I accept the abuse at the cost of this mistake? My wife's loud yelling is affecting my child's studies and the neighbour hood gets a jolt. My child also yells at me just like her mother. During early days of marriage when I could not bear her behaviour, I told my wife I will divorce her. My wife tried to commit suicide after I said that. I dont want to make my wife angry and will try to keep her happy. But I cannot live a day without my family although unpeaceful dont know why. My wife's brother is an alcholic who asks my mother-in-law and inturn calls my wife asking for money. I think thats the issue which is triggering my wife.Please guide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): I wonder why you didn't post that you were a battered husband first? I have read your problem before. Each time you change the story.
Divorce your wife. There is no advice anyone can give you telling you how to force a person to love you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): I do not believe you that you are abused.Not even for a second.As for her spending your money...you are married it is her money too.Your actions destroyed your marriage....all of that is on you.Stop making excuses.Please do not lie to try and make yourself look better we all are much smarter than that and see right thru you.
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A
male
reader, Kodanda +, writes (31 August 2017):
Kodanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am a battered husband. I am being abused physically, emotionally and financially by wife from the day I got married. Physically abused because she hits me, emotionally abused because she yells bad words to me and my family, financially abused because she borrows money from me for her parents and brother and never bothers to return and spends more than my capacity. She and her family scorned at me because I was earning a low salary when I got married. I thought she yells only to me but she does to her parents also. But she is kind if she sees some needy people and lends them money. She never shrugged off a beggar. She now teaches at a school which include mentally handicapped children. When I was on this long business trip, I invited my wife to join me. She was reluctant. If she had joined me may be I would not have gone to the massage parlour. I know I should have controlled my mind. I dont know where I caught HSV 1. I did not get tested before the encounter because I was in a monogamous relationship with my wife and virgin before marriage. I developed cold sores on my lips 6 months after the encounter. They did not test for herpes because I did not have classical symptoms. Doctors said its not a STD because of the constant foreskin burn and diagnosed it as chronic prostatitis. The first diagnosis was wrong. They told me it was HSV 2 IgG (genital). Thats why I disclosed this to my wife. I later repeated at different testing centres and the serum reports confirmed that HSV 2 IgG is negative and HSV 1 IgG as positive. My wife is not ready to be tested. I showed all my medical reports to my wife. My wife said she will sue me because I have HSV 1. I told my wife this was my only encounter which was an accident and I dont know how to convince her. My wife told me she is in this marriage only because of my children.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (30 August 2017):
 I don't think she is or ever has cheated on you, I think she feels let down and has not forgiven you yet and might never, and if she does forgive you she will never forget,
You did wrong, can I ask why did you tell her was it out of a want to get it off your conscience? did you really think she was going to say ah that is ok love anytime you're away you can cheat on me?
lots of guys and girls need to know don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 I wouldn't have sex with you either if you cheated on me. You are lucky she is still with you. If my husband done that he would be out the door!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Cheating is a form of betrayal. It destroys your partner's trust, it is a serious blow to their self-esteem, and it sends the message that you don't respect or value their feelings.
Cheating is very emotionally-abusive and psychologically-damaging to your partner. The reaction to the knowledge or discovery that your spouse has cheated can be quite extreme. It's a stab in the heart, dear sir. You were infected with an STD, yet you're trying to play that down. Your core concern is being denied sex by your wife. Not that she's cheating. Your post seems very familiar. I believe you've been here before, for the same reason.
She doesn't have to be sleeping with anyone else to refuse to have sex with you. That's fueled by her anger and disgust with your cheating. You're free to leave her.
You developed an incurable STD as a result. Can you not see where your wife would feel very uncomfortable with sex with you? She doesn't know if that was the one and only incident. She doesn't know if you may have an infection you haven't disclosed. Nor does she know that it will be the last time you will cheat on her. Your lame excuse it happened before you knew it doesn't fly, my friend. You paid for the service, it wasn't rape! You could have stopped it completely if your marriage meant enough to you.
After-thought and hind-sight is always quite sobering isn't it? It takes consequences to realize how badly you've hurt someone.
I'm sorry; but this is how your wife chooses to deal with your transgression. Cheating has a very high price. It may be years before she forgives you. She may never want sex with you. If she hasn't divorced you; she may be processing how she wants to deal with this situation. You don't get to set the terms, the length of time, or regulate her healing-process. You hurt her very deeply, and your feelings about this are not the result of her betrayal. You're the offender, not the victim.
Continue working to rebuild her trust. Be as kind to her as you can. If you see no signs of forgiveness; than it will be you who will have to initiate the legal process of divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): It is gonna take time.You cheated on her.It seems to me you just do not seem to understand that.You broke her trust in you.This does not mean she is sleeping elsewhere.It just means you hurt her deeply.Alot of marriages do not survive a cheating spouse.This problem is one you created.She told you sorry because she is in shock.And the HSV you now have which you think is common can give her cancer and kill her so do not act like it is no big deal.She reminds you of what you did because the pain you have caused her is raw and real.Doctors are saying you need sex? Maybe you need new doctors.If I was your wife you would be cut off forever.I say that because it seems to me that you only love yourself so much that you have no love to share with your wife.SAD
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