| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years now. Since 10th grade, and back then, he was so romantic and wanted nothing more than for me to be his girlfriend. I feel like the start of our relationship, and how we both had crushes on one another in high school, was like a fairytale. This is my first relationship, but not his.When we graduated, he moved to another country, promising that he'd come back to me someday. At the start of the relationship, he told me he'd be moving at the end of our senior years, yet still I dated him and we became so close. He gave me a promise ring in 11th grade saying he'd marry me someday and come back to me. Of course we were both younger and naive, not knowing when we'd see each other again when he did move. His parents lost the house and there was no one he could stay with down here at the time so he had no choice but to go. He wound up being gone for a year and a half, with ups and downs. But in the end, he came back at the end of last year and we were happy again.He started living with his relatives back in our state, which is a 20 minute drive from my house. We've been hanging out more with friends now, and the only time we get to see one another, is with our friends. We both don't have cars, so we have to rely on other people to drop us off at the movies or wherever we want to go. We see each other 4 to 5 times a week, but it's always with friends now, and not like it used to be when we were in high school where we actually went on dates and such.I feel like he doesn't try anymore..He's still cute and randomly gives me a little kiss or hugs me from behind, but I feel as though he doesn't want to spend alone time with me anymore.When we sleep over this one friend's house once or twice a week, he doesn't want to be close to me in terms of snuggling. I have to ASK him. Though I'm 50/50 with accepting it because his body generates a lot of heat, so he sweats easily if we're close together while trying to sleep. I understand that. But I feel like he just doesn't want to..even if we have a fan on at full speed in the middle of the night, he claims it's still hot.He doesn't initiate anything like he used to. I felt so lucky to have a guy that was different when we met. He never flirted with me, pressured me with sex, or anything because I told him how I felt on it. Our love has always been..I guess innocent. After almost 5 years of being together and both being 20 years old now, we're both still virgins. Though I'm growing closer to wanting to actually have it happen. Every time we get close to doing it, I stop him because I'm afraid.What do you think? I don't want to seem clingy..but I don't want to have to tell him how I feel about it. We've had talks recently about this but I hate even having to say anything because he was always trying to get my attention and lovey with me before. We've never actually had a fight either, which I love about us.Now it seems the romance is gone..but we're still very much in love. Just there are no sparks at the moment..especially since we only see one another through friends at this point in time.Maybe it's because it's still my first relationship..?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (31 August 2011):
 Unfortunately this is what happens in most relationships once people get comfortable with each other. It's not necessary any more to make an effort so romance slides. Have you tried telling him how you feel?
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (31 August 2011):
I'm being lazy and copy-pasting the same thing I had to say to someone else - it seems this same advice needs telling to a lot of folk!
Communication is key!
If one or the other partner is not happy, the marriage will end eventually. Unless the partners discuss the how's and why's of happiness in an honest and frank manner, that ending could get very ugly indeed!
It is usually best to try and learn how to discuss difficult and potentially contentious topics in a loving, caring, and supportive, non confrontational way. For example, instead of saying "I wish we had sex more often" or "I need you to be more open about oral sex" one could say something akin to "I find myself really missing the intimacy and passion we used to have. I would really like to try and spark that fire back up".
Also - couples very often fall into the trap of ceasing to be a couple, and instead settling for a coexistance sort of holding pattern. If you want the sex and romance back, you've got to start doing the sorts of things for and with one another that taught you as a couple to love one another in the first place! Re-kindle the fun, the laughing, the reading to each other, or the dates, or the movies, or whatever it was that taught the individuals involved that this is a person whose company I enjoy, and who I want to spend time with.
When you begin re-associating your partner with the fun, the laughs, the good times, then it will naturally follow that the romantic feelings will blossom again.
Also - there is a LOT to be said for partners keeping up with, or even improving their physical appearances for one another. It always sounds schovanistic when a guy says "I'm not attracted to her anymore - she's let herself go". Isn't it odd that when a wife of 20 years says that about her husband, who added a beer gut and permanent 5 o'clock shadow she gets all sorts of sympathy about her gross 'old man' who still expects her to 'put out', but when a husband of the same timeframe says "she's put on too much weight, and I don't find her sexy anymore" he's being a pig? I always thought that was odd. Anyway, truth be told, one of the reasons we married our partners in the first place was that there was a physical attraction and chemistry. If we want that to stay alive, there's some upkeep involved! If we don't do our part, then we have little room to complain that our partner isn't interested anymore. After all, if either partner puts on a good 40 lbs, they bear little resemblance to the person their partner was originally attracted to! Personally, I reject wholeheartedly the notion that a partner should simply accept and should still love -in the same way- someone who they didn't sign up to marry. People change, and if one partner is not the same person anymore, then they have little ground on which to complain about lack of intimacy.
Then, of course, there's expectations. Both partners used to do things, as part of the courtship ritual, that they both began to resent. Classically, he'd work his tail off, and be happy to do so. Taking on overtime, working around the house, and generally being an active, go-getter. He WANTED to do those things. The smile he got from her made it all worthwhile. She, (classically) would keep a very neat home. She'd be thrilled to be doing his laundry, and tickled about the dishes! She WANTED to do those things - the smile and appreciation he gave made it all worth while. HOWEVER - each partner learned from those behaviors that -this is what my partner wants out of life-. He learned that being domestically able and busy made her happy, and that this was the sort of woman he was involved with. She learned that being accomplished and aggressive made him happy, and that this was the sort of man she is involved with. Then, over time, these things lose their luster. She begins to resent the household chores, and often resent him for not doing them. If she actually asks for help, he'll be thrilled to help out, and she'll resent him even more, because he's not as miserable doing these things as she was. He'll start resenting every 'honey do' item on the list, and work will become drudgery. If he can overcome his fragile ego enough to ask for help, she'll be thrilled to chip in, and he'll resent her even more, becasue she's not as miserable doing them as he was.
These sorts of things are quite common. It's almost unavoidable. However, there's some truth in advertising needed here. She needs to be honest enough with herself to realize that SHE taught him, very deliberately, that this is what she wanted, and that she has no cause to complain that he gave her exactly what she asked for. He needs to have the courage to do the same!
Then, they need to sit down, as a couple, and re-hash their expectations, now that the honeymoon is over!
What it all boils down to, is that marriage is WORK!
There is no "happily ever after" The fairytale that we will spend our life in marital bliss, if only we can find "the one" is a sham!
Ever notice how all of the fairytale existances, romantic comedies, etc. that form our ideas of what the perfect relationship should be end with the onset of the fantasy relationship? You'll never see a movie or read a book about a marriage that is happily in it's 20'th year!
The secret that we aren't taught growing up, is that we will need to continuously keep adding effort to our relationship. It's not enough to find "the one", because there is no "one". Love isn't about finding the right one, it's about treating the one you're with right!
So, I say, that if someone is stuck, and has no escape, that they need to have a good, long, hard look at how they got themselves there. Starting with the portion of blame that they, themselves need to shoulder. Did you used to do things for your partner, out of the sheer joy of being nice to them that you now resent having to do? Did your partner reasonably interpret those behaviors as your signal that this is what makes YOU happy? Are you perhapse a bit softer around the middle, saggier, or less meticulous about your hygene? Did you get off the fashion boat when you tied the knot, or when was the last time you really put any effort into your appearance for your partner? Remember when you used to love to primp up for the next date? Yes, even the guy primped and made sure he had 'the look' he was after! When was the last time you and your partner did something fun together, spent time enjoying being a couple OUTSIDE of the bedroom?
If someone who thinks they are "Trapped" in a sexless marriage can undergo the honest self-examination, and put their own house of cards back in order, they will then be in a very strong position to communicate to their partner their dissatisfaction with the way the relationship has progressed. Doing so in a non confrontational and loving manner will also go a long way.\
If all of that doesn't make any headway at all, and their partner is simply dissinterested in re-engaging in an actual relationship, then the marriage is already dead, and the papers just haven't been signed yet. I would wager, however, that if all of that effort goes in, and the other partner is honestly dissinterested in re-engaging in the relationship, then it's very likely that it's because they've got another relationship on the side.
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