A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in the process of getting divorced and my husband sees his son alternate weekends. When he comes he will ring on his phone to tell my son to be ready and if I come to the door to answer he will not look at my face. On drop off he will drop at the gate and then walk off so again he doesn't have to see me /speak to me. This is a very acrimonious divorce as a lot of money is involved and sadly we both hate each other. During our marriage he commited constant adultery and I was very dificult with regard to his friends and work. For a long time I wanted him back but he totally cut me out of his life and has moved on in every way. Sadly I would still like to discuss the relationship and to sort things with him to keep the solicitors bills down but he will not answer any e-mail, text or phone call. This has gone on for months now and I accept he will never answer but the fact that he will not communicate makes me want to talk to him all the more. We cannot even talk about our child and it is ridiculous because our son has to pass me messages second hand from him. My question is, is there anything I can do or behave in any way which may diffuse things and eventually get him to want to contact me?
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Good for you sweetheart, the psychologist was obviously just what you needed. You made such a positive move when you decided to go and see her and at least it has now cleared that foggy situation you found yourself in.
I personally ended up seeing counsellors etc and they did wonders for me. You never know you may even find yourself helping others after you go through this whole period in your life as it does make you wiser and you can step back from a situation and realise what it is that makes someone react the way they do.
Good for you and give yourself a massive pat on the back, you are rocking now so keep it up and if she is giving you some of you back keep seeing her. She will help you through all of this whole divorce and you will come out stronger the other end.
Keep smiling and take care.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): Well done; I am very proud of you; you are now on the road of recovery; keep up the positive attitude!
Be strong! Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went to see a psychologist on Monday and since I last posted haven't bothered with him at all. She was very good and said that his mind games and bitterness would turn in on him and infact he was a total control freak. I had spent years always playing second fiddle to him and kow towing and she helped me see that. For the first time I can stand back a bit and see him for what he is and at the moment have no desire for any form of contact. Childish I know but I made a massive list of things he had done to me over the years which weren't nice and they made terrible reading. If ever the feeling comes I just read this list and it soon brings me back to my senses. He wanted the divorce (not me) and in the esrly stages I contested it all the way but now I don't want him back and can see its futile. Once someone has made up their mind that's it. I only have to think of him returning home at 3am from a night with one of his tarts and him shouting f*** of bit** to me and I think I am well out of it.
I have taken to not contacting my solicitor unless they ask me to sign something and to just follow their instructions to keep costs as low as they can go and I am going to leave him and his bitterness well alone. Thank you all for your advice and support
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 June 2008):
Personally the way I see it is that if this divorce is down to one particular person requesting it then it is the ONLY way forward regardless of how much money is involved.
He has a legal obligation to pay maintenance money for his son and if he wants to reduce down all the money that is in the pot as you say then it is potentially all of you that suffers including his own son.
However, do you really want to drag this on for years and never resolving it.
You must know by now that having any sort of communication with your ex is futile and whilst you protest at the level of money being wasted is it really that or the fact that you are saying goodbye to your marriage and the lifestyle you once had. There is no going back but the only way is forward and to resolve all the levels of pettiness the divorce is the only final way to draw a line under it all.
As I previously said suggest mediation to your solicitor and if both him and his solicitor object then it is up to you how you play it after that, either give in or stop the contact with his solicitor, I would stay in touch with your own solicitor however and if this goes on for too long then consider how much of the rest of your life you are wasting with a man you no longer want or love and just agree to whatever the final settlement is and start to live the rest of your life for both yourself and your son.
This man has previously made your life hell and he continues now so make a stand and say enough is enough I want this all to end.
The one thing you can do is try to specify the level of contact between yourselves in respect of your son and keep that issue in constant focus, ask your solicitor to say that you are allowed to communicate via letter or email and that this line of communication should be kept open at all times and if contact details should change in the future then you advise each other accordingly but it is purely to do with anything for your son and nothing further. I am sure that this could be achieved.
Yes your ex is cutting off his own nose to spite his face but he is the immature one here not you and the fact that he is so bitter just proves what mid life crisis he is obviously going through and that is why there is no reasoning with him so STOP TRYING. Don't make yourself a nervous wreck but instead make a plan to perhaps have a holiday no matter how big or small for both you and your son at the end of this divorce so you can both move forward in a very positive way and it is also sort of sticks two fingers up at your ex that you are not going to let him get at you any more.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): You could try to play hard ball. A dangerous strategy that just might work. Stop all contact with your lawyer and his. Only communicate by e-mail. Tell him you refuse to do this through lawyers, because you can't afford it and besides it is immature. Refuse to sign any papers or deal with any matters coming from a solicitor until he speaks to you or a least e-mails you about it first. I'm not sure how bad you want this divorce, or if he wants you to stay. But you could slow the whole process down and save yourself a pile of money, if you play the game this way. Be as bloody minded as him, if he wont talk to you in the way you want, then why should you talk to him in the way he wants.
This just might work, but then again it's likely to make him very angry and I wouldn't like your son to suffer from the outcome of your very personal fight.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Obviously your soft approach to this problem does not work on him.
You need to change track and try another way.
Since he does not care about paying an exorbitant sum to his lawyers,
there is no way you can stop him.
Desist your efforts in convincing him as it has been futile .
I think he wants to waste it all on the lawyer's fees rather than leave anything to you.
He is being very spiteful and intents to make you a pauper.
An astute businessman may be fools when it comes to love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy main issue is really the fact that I have sent loads of e-mails and messages all really friendly asking him to think about the money the lawyers are getting and how in effect if he carries on this way there will be hardly anything left in the pot. He is well able to pay for this but my wealth is linked to his and I can't draw upon endless funds. He is aware of this and even if you do very little it still costs a fortune. This man is a very astute businessman and I would have thought he would have seen what a waste of money this is. His hatred of me is so intense this seems to get in the way of his rational thinking. Really there is nothing I can do but accept it is going to cost a fortune and just go with the process but I feel I want to reason with him on this all the time. I think you are right that if I left him alone and didn't bother with him in any way he wouldn't like it either but it is grinding me down with the expense and futiity of it all.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 June 2008):
Mirror back his actions and let him feel what it is like.
Better still if you can magnify his actions and show that you can play that game too.
Give him his own medicine with extra dose and he will change when he is at the receiving end.
Good Luck to you.
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A
male
reader, undertaker79  +, writes (21 June 2008):
You cant right now...I bet he is feeling guilty and does not know how to respond...I know you dont want him back but this guy T W Jackson wrote a book. Maybe u can find some answers in it.
www.iwantmyloveback.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): You're not alone.
My first ex still still doesn't speak and I dare say the mere mention of my name causes her to spit, as does hers to me. We've got 2 kids together and she did a pretty good job of alienating one of them from me. He's seen the light since, thank goodness, but it took about 6 years for him to see what a spiteful bitch she was - and still is. When was the divorce? 22 years ago!
If that's the way he wants to play it, you don't have much option but to go along with it I'm afraid. Maybe money isn't an issue for him, but to my mind it's stupid to line the pockets of the lawyers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): I have lots of empathy with you; a divorce is seldom ammicable; I have witnessed many and dealt with lots of the emotional trauma going with it; there is lots of pain and hurt; there is also lots of anger; that is what I suspect your husband is dealing with now;
I want to stress to you; do not use the child as a messenger; not for message or letters; also do not contact your ex directly; not by text, not email or phone calls; do all contact and messages via your lawyers; I have seen so often (my late partner was a solicitor) how informtation can get twisted and have seen how innocent contact can be used against the other party; leading to sometimes court interdicts for harrasment etc; be very careful;
I suggest, should you wish to talk to him in person; arrange a meeting via your solicitor, with him and his solicitor; that is unfortuntely the only way;
For now you will have to play it by the book; it will cost lost of money and it is terrible if you think about it; yes, the money could be put to better use; but ignore him and be carefull, leave him alone; no contact;
Try and be positive for your child sake and do not make any comments ten can be related to his fater.
Be strong; you will get through this; in time to come you might find that his anger subside and you can talk to each other again; normally this takes time; he has to overcome his anger and bitterness;
Lots of good wishes.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (21 June 2008):
I couldn't agree more than with the words of advice you have received from Ask oldersister. I have NEVER been married or divorced but I was in a long term relationship for almost 20 years and witnessed the divorce of my sister and several close friends.
A divorce is what it is, it isn't about staying friends and even my break up with my ex where lawyers weren't involved has meant that tensions are still running high when we spend any sort of time together where it involves our daughter and I still work with my ex - now though only phone calls or emails which is so much easier for us both. We are still trying to sell our jointly owned home so things are never clear cut even when you not married in the first place.
I would say keep things through the lawyers too as I realise that you are trying to think of the costs involved but your husband isn't bothered so why should be at the end of the day.
This guy has not treated you well with the constant adultery but there is still something about him that attracts you. Nothing will change the fact that he is your son's father and was once your husband who you loved very much but the thing is try to consider what things would be like if you were still with him. Constant doubt of ever trusting anything he tells you and living with that fear over your head every day. That is not something that is a good environment for your son.
Who actually said right enough is enough let's get divorced, was it you or your husband?
He is trying to throw his toy out of the cot so just let him get on with it.
You could try to write him a letter but keep it polite, professional and without sentimental stuff about your life together. Try saying about any concerns you have for your son and also keep a copy of the letter and let your solicitor have it should there be any comeback at all. At least that way it shows that you have tried to keep things amicable and you are putting your son's needs first and nothing more. You could give the letter to your son and ask him nicely if he wouldn't mind giving it to your dad as it is regarding him and nothing more than that.
I realise this is not the ideal way of doing things but other than that why not ask your solicitor to copy/email the letter to his solicitor for his attention but like I say keep it on a non sentimental level so that there are no confusions about what you are trying to say.
Maybe after the divorce things will become amicable at some point but if it was you who said right let's get divorced he is just trying to punish you with the silence. If it was him then he is not prepared to talk anymore so let him.
You could always suggest some mediation through your solicitor to speed up any issues you both have and I don't think they would object as I feel that you do need some closure here.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Askoldersister,
Thank you very much for the reply. You are right he would rather communicate through solicitors at any hourly rate rather than deal with me. I think I will have to accept that this is a costly process I will have to go through and ignore him as muc as he ignores me. Many thanks,
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (21 June 2008):
 Hello, This is a long shot but it may be worth making appointment with your solicitor and explaining all of this to them. Tell them you are worried about extra costs, access, your child etc. If he only communicates through his solicitor then as far as I'm aware, there is not a lot you can do. He is probably doing everything by the book, impolite and rude, yet legal and the minimum. Obviously his actions are upsetting you and this is most probably what he has planned to do anyway to get maximum effect. How sorry I am for you. Long term you are much better out of this marriage. I truly hope all goes well. Hannah xx
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