A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married with one child who is 16. Like most teenagers my daughter has gone through rebellious stages but I feel as if it is going too far. My daughter for the past 4-5 months has been stealing money from us. After about 50 dollars being gone I asked her if she was taking money from our drawer and she said yes because she needed it. I told her that if she needed money she should just come to me or her father and to not take things without asking. I then noticed a large sum of money taken from my bank account so I changed my pin. My daughter got mad and said that I should give her my pin in case of emergency. I told her no because she was stealing and I thought what she's doing is wrong. Well a couple nights ago we noticed my husbands gold watch is missing and unfortunately we suspect our daughter has taken it. She denies it but we can't prove it. We haven't seen it in her room or anywhere in the house. We think she probably Pawned it. My question is how do we make this stop? All of a sudden my daughter has started doing this and I don't understand.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2015): You let her know that she has become a thief and the next time she steals there will be police involved. Is she spending money on drugs? is she dealing drugs? these are all strong possibilities and need stopping confronting now, before she is in serious serious trouble yourself included.She has no respect for you (at the moment)and to let her ride rough shod over you is teaching her that she can treat other human beings this way. Why is she not working earning a decent wage? or at college?She has no right to your pin number, incase of emergencies,you must not fall into the emotional blackmail of but your my parents. You are and it is your duty to teach your child right from wrong, you do not steal, you do not steal from anyone, least parents, you do not commit fraud, you do not pawn our personal items, you do not threaten and blackmail. Get her sorted out now before she winds up in prison or a one way drug ticket. Seen it a hundred times before. Enlist help and support, and stick to your words.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): Why are there no consequences for your daughter's stealing?
You cannot correct a 16 year-old's criminal behavior by simply confronting them and asking them if they did it; knowing full well they did. Take away her phone privileges, and if necessary; find a school for children with disciplinary issues. You need help as parents in order to maintain control of her negative behavior; before it becomes shoplifting, fines, and juvenile detention. That is inevitable, if she is actually stealing from your bank account.
Parents these days treat their children like their equals, and try to reason with an undeveloped adolescent/juvenile mind that has no sense of judgment. They lack guidance and discipline; thus their behavior is bazaar, confusing, destructive, and often dangerous. The look to you to show them the way. Even if they hate you for it.
I sense she has a drug habit, and you didn't mention if you've had her screened. You should go through her room. Yes, intrude on her privacy and check who she is communicating with on her phone and/or iPad. Chances are she has fallen into a bad crowd; and they are encouraging this behavior. "Seek and ye shall find!" Used out of context, but I'm making a valid point.
Kids her age do not fall into crime unless they have bad outside influences or get involved with drugs. Everyone things there is some "mental-illness" or social disorder that makes kids bad. There are often other kids behind it all. There is definitely a boy involved; and a group of peers who are egging her on.
It has become a game of seeing how naive and helpless you are to stop her. She has no respect; because she gets no discipline. Discipline is not losing your temper and screaming helplessly at her and letting her see you out of control. Nor is it making idle threats, and looking lost at what to do. Fake a posture and take a stance somehow. Be rigid with your discipline and see it through. If it's doing extra chores, no after school activities, and restrictions on anything she loves to do.
You're try reasoning and soft-talk; and she laughs at the fact you're afraid of her. You are clueless; therefore she knows no boundaries. You show your own indecisiveness and loss for what to do. Therefore; she feels she has the upper-hand. It is time for an intervention.
Check for drug-abuse, find-out who all her friends are, talk to her teachers, keep track of her grades and how they fluctuate, sit down and talk to her; and punish her when she does things wrong. Lecture the living daylights out of her. One at a time, and gang-up on her; to let her know you both support each other.
If she rebels beyond your control, seek a teen-intervention program and get family counseling.
Commit yourself to it, she will not outgrow it. She will become a full-fledged criminal. Sorry to scare you. Parenting requires outside help sometimes. Nobody has all the answers.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): I would sit her down and tell her she is completely out of order and you are both disgusted that she would steal from anyone, let alone you - her parents who ensure she has clothes, food etc...I would then tell her if the watch is not returned then you will report her to the police. Then actually report her to the police. She needs a bloody fright and having a police officer arrive and seeing the inside of a police station might just shock her that guy guys are no pushovers and will not let this continue.I would set some strict rules. She is to be home within 45 mins of scool finishing and if this doesn't happen then she is taken to and from school by yourselves. She is not allowed out with friends until the debt of her thefts are paid back. This could be through a rota of chores. Tell her she can earn time back to go out and the quicker she gets home, does the chores and the homework set by school the quicker she will earn privileges back. I would take away anything she has in her room that isn't necessary. TV, laptop, smart phone...For emergencies she can have a basic phone that simply dials. If she wants her stuff back then she sorts her attitude out and makes better choices.Don't let this slide. She is at a crossroads and needs boundaries. She is not an adult yet and needs reminding of this.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 September 2015):
 My wonderful former manager and his wife are two of the nicest people you could ever meet. I have attended many family events where he and his wife and their two sons attended. One son was as similarly polite and a true gentleman like his father.The other son was often petulant and hard to please and at times rude and not averse to raising the roof with his anger and expressing his displeasure. I know the parents tried for a decade to get him all manner of counselling. They were always good caring parents, though often at their wit's end with their difficult son who was arrogant and contemptuous towards others. They know now that he lied to them often, but at the time could not always prove it.The son often stole from his parents, refusing to get any after school job. The other son did get an after school job and is now studying for a higher degree.Life moved on, but life took a nasty turn when the errant son's bad behaviour escalated and he moved on to bigger crimes than stealing from his parents.The son is now in long term jail for some extremely serious offences. He remains unrepentant. His father told me that this son continues to be rude and dismissive and full of contempt towards his parents When he first started stealing the parents were not aware that their son was stealing to feed his drug habit.When he moved out of home prior to his first arrest the parents had to take the unusual step of changing the locks and putting in other security measures they became so sick of coming home from work to find more valuables missing - the errant son was entering their home during the day to steal things he could resell.I tell you all this because your daughter is already out of controlShe already thinks the rules do not apply to her.She is treating you with no respect.Do you know all her current set of friends or is she secretive about some of them? Does she sometimes appear to be affected by alcohol or something else?Have you visited the school and asked some pertinent questions about her behaviour at school - have they noticed changes?Have there been changes because she has become sexually active? If she is already sexually active then discuss this with her. If she is not using birth control you could have a grandchilf in 9 months time.Has she suffered some kind of trauma that you think she recovered from - yet she has not? The death of someone close, a sexual assault, sexual abuse, or some bullying at school? A trained psychologist, who can build up trust with her, might have the best hope of uncovering these truths and any triggers that have resulted in her ''acting up'' which can be a cry for help.There are 4 States of mind.1. I am OK : you are OK = meaning I respect you and you respect me back. This is healthy. It also means that you are just as good as me and I am just as good as you. There is mutual respect on both sides. This is a healthy mind.2. I am not OK : you are OK. This is low self esteem talking. Where a person thinks everyone around them is better than them. This unhealthy belief can be addressed by lifting the self esteem of the person who thinks they are not ok.3. I am not OK : you are not Ok. This is very unhealthy but it may take a lot of work to deal with this belief as it is more likely to happen to a person who sees the world in a skewed way. Where they think everyone is as similarly unbalanced as themselves. It can be associated with a person who is menntally challenged and is not thinking clearly.4. This is the bad one in my opinion:I am OK: you are not OK.This is the type of mindset where a person feels superior to others and treats others with contempt. I call it the criminal mindset. Though it can equally apply to arrogant people who try to lord it over others. Think dictator.Think criminal gang boss. Think terrorists who think it OK to behave as they do. Think bullies. Think hypocrite. Think corrupt politician.This person thinks they are superior to everyone else. They demand that everyone else follow the rules. But they themselves can justify why the rules are irrelevant to themselves.They feel entitled to do what ever they want. They walk over people. They take advantage. They are not above manipulating and telling lies to get what they want. But because they have a low opinion of everyone else they expect everyone else to do as they demand. They are cruel and many with this mindset end up friendless or even in jail. Because people see through them eventually.But trying to change them is a huge job and otfen efforts fail. Only when they meet a force stronger than themselves - such as the Law are they likely to be called to heel.Stop protecting your daughter. At the very least she needs to see a psychologist to find out where she is coming from.Get her drug tested by the Doctor. A blood test will see what is in her system.Next time she steals from you press charges. She is breaching your trust. If she can easily steal from you she will go on to steal from others. Stealing bigger things with time. You will be doing her a favour to report her for the small stuff. Maybe the shock of appearing in court will be enough to cause her to re-evaluate the company she is keeping and her actions.Do you know her friends? How do they behave in your home?Do not sweep this under the carpet as too hard to tackle or too impossible to do. Your daughter is at the crossroads and if she continues on this path she will run a collision course into the attention of the Police and the Law.Don't imagine that this unhealthy situation will just ''right itself'' with no intervention. Sadly it will only get worse unless more is not done right now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2015):
 Oh and I forgot, I would have her grounded and give her a curfew when the grounding is over.
So she can GO to school and come straight home. NO hanging out with friends, no going to the Mall or what not. TILL she has worked off the money she is grounded.
I also forgot to ask you, how is she doing in school? Grades? friends?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 September 2015):
What is she spending the money on? And as far as the money/stuff she has been stealing, I would make her WORK the money off. You daughter sounds rather brazen about it and that would worry me the most. The fact that she seems to think she is entitled to take whatever she wants.
A 16 year old should not be able to pawn stuff. As you are supposed to be 18 with a valid ID, so WHO is helping her sell things like the watch?
We had a lady in the FRG (family Readiness Group - which is military spouses) who's teenage son was stealing stuff/money and she made him go clean up trash from sidewalks/playground/neighborhoods on the military installation, she made him wear an orange safety vest on like a road crew from the prison. It was either that... or being shipped off to military school. Nit sure how effective is was, but he did was he was told and looked pretty embarrassed.
One thing though, I'd take a closer look at the friends she is hanging out with. Have the grouped changed recently?
And no, don't give her your pin. What kind of emergency would she need your card for? Not a thing!
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