A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a pretty quite person, so when someone makes an effort to get to know me, I become flattered that they would even bother.When a guy approaches me, talks to me, texts me, flirts, I go head over heels. I feel special, I want to make him feel special, I want him to know that I care and appreciate him. He texts me? I jump right on it!But on the flip side, I become a nervous wreck. I worry that I'm over doing it so sometimes I back off before things go any further. Or, more often, I become very anxious that they will turn out not to like me, or simply stop talking to me. I worry myself sick over it. I want the relationship to be successful so bad that I worry about ruining everything, and if things DO go wrong, or if the guy simply eases of conversing with me, I become hurt.The entire dating ritual causes me so much anxiety and pain... right now I am talking with a guy who I would love to be in a relationship with, he is VERY attractive, great personality, but I have a feeling it will not work out (he is long distance) so I am already very bothered over it. But I already like him so much, I've already invested so much emotion...Would love some advice... how can I date without feeling like this? Dating, for me, is so difficult emotionally, but I so badly want a relationship.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2015): Don't agree to date a guy in hopes of a relationship. You're getting ahead of the courting process; and you haven't really had the opportunity to get fully acquainted.
It's really natural to be nervous and excited about meeting someone new, and you should be hopeful that there may be possibilities. Just don't let eagerness and desperation get the better of you.
Loneliness and anticipation tends to predominate our feelings when we meet someone attractive and willing to give us their attention. It's not just you, it's everyone. You're supposed to feel excited and glad to meet a nice person. You should not allow your feelings to attach at the point of introduction. Don't feel grateful. That's lowering your self-value and depending on the validation of acceptance. You're not a beggar. You're a prize. One that has to be earned and valued.
Gratefulness is far too needy, falling fast is a bad habit. A very perceptive guy will pickup on your desperation, and that will spook him. He will fear your clinginess and the possibility of being smothered.
You have to relax and stop over-thinking a "date." A date is sharing time to get acquainted, enjoy an activity, and see if there is any real chemistry sparking between you.
You do not go in feeling you are at the beginning of a relationship; because then you will set expectations on that person that they really don't have to live up to.
In example: Expecting immediate responses to calls or text messages, wanting to hear them tell you how much they like you, or expecting them to commit within a couple of nice dates. Connections are best made over time, and slowly. Everyone has to be on the same page. Get too far ahead, they may take flight out of fear, and/or may not really like you that much. You wind up with hurt feelings. You're fully cognizant of this behavior, so stop doing it.
Stop...repeat...stop, "looking" for a relationship. They happen as a matter of consequence and timing. They cannot be planned or forced. You may have immediate attraction, but a one-night stand can come from that. You have to allow yourself to see the person for who they are, and base feelings on reality; not your imagination or hopes.
Calm down. You are spoiling things before they even get off the ground. You get so carried away with anticipation and wanting a boyfriend; you end up sabotaging things at the onset in order to get a predictable ending. Why? Because you're scared of failure, or he will not like you enough.
Cut it out!!! Grow up, you're an adult! Use self-control and self-discipline. That is necessary in order not to make guys think you're a dingbat. Players feast on desperation and vulnerability, and ladies like you are their favorite prey.
You are attractive, intelligent, and available. That opens doors. Just don't go plowing your way in before you know exactly who you're dealing with, and what his motives are.
Some guys are slick and can be quite romantic and charming.
They can also be the devil at the same time.
Count to 10 every-time you feel yourself growing anxious. Silently tell yourself to "calm down, take it easy, it's just a date and you want to know if this guy is right for you." Say it in front of a mirror. Convince yourself that you will get a relationship when the time is right. Not before destiny brings the right man to you. Enjoy dating and just sharing time and romance. Stop man-hunting.
Make these affirmations to yourself over and over, until your subconscious actually accepts them.
Stop thinking in terms of finding a relationship, and enjoy dating as your way to meet new people, experience romance, get exposure to different personality types; and picking and choosing the best guy like the hottest pair of heels.
Use as much deliberation and patience in seeking love as you do shopping for the right dress or pair of shoes.
You'll take whatever time necessary to do that!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 You are letting your identity defined by relationship success. It's like you are seeking yourself through men. You will not like everyone, and not everyone will like you. Dating is about finding a good match. In our society, being single is to be ostracized. A woman's worth is often determined by our sexiness and when we get married. there is so much emphasis to get in a relationship that without which we are nothing.
Dating, with the right person, does not cause anxiety. Your job in dating is to find a guy who's equally interested in you. If long distance then make sure in the future there are plans to close it. I would not recommend long distance if you've never met except on the computer because most of the time they are time wasters or escapists from the real world. Trust your gut too, if you are feeling anxiety it is usually a sign that it's not going to work out. I would not say avoid online but take your time to get to know that person before investing.
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