A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half months, after just over a year of friendship. In that time, I have always tried to be a respectful, honest, and deeply caring partner. And, for the first part of our relationship (our romance period), things were perfect between us. (hyperbole on the perfect part)But now that we are normalizing and learning to accept one another for the less than perfect facets, things are dicey water. It seems like we fight every day, and while the discussion we have does tend to smooth things over, I don't know how many more of these fights I can tolerate. It's a lot of work to just make things return to normalcy. The fighting, while never physical or generally elevated past a heated discussion, (we don't even swear!), is getting so frustrating and tiresome that it has killed all of the romance in our relationship. The discussions tend to the same things, and without exploring these in deeper detail, lets just say school, family, and life is stressing both of us out that the relationship is bearing some of the burden.Long story is, I don't know what to do. I am verging on the idea that perhaps I should stop toughing it out and go back to being single. The problem is, I love him. What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): Yes I think this is a good sign that you're not compatible after all and you should leave.when you first fall in love, both people are on their best behavior. everyone puts their partner on a pedestal when you're first falling in love. You are not your true selves because you're trying to impress and woo each other. Once both people commit to a relationship, now their true selves emerge. you both have shown your true colors to each other. If you were compatible, things would get even better from here on. But in your case, things went really downhill. So it means that this relationship isn't meant to be.You say "but I love him" - um, no. What you mean is "I remember how good it felt when we were not being our true selves, because that felt so good and I want that again"...or else what you mean is "I'm used to being part of a couple now and I'll miss not having someone around in the background so I want to stick with him for that reason"when a relationship is defined by "toughing it out" - that's not love. That's something else that's holding the relationship together: obligation, fear of being alone, fear of losing what you had invested into the relationship... but it's not love. A relationship that's fraught with unhappiness and distress, is not a real relationship and thus prone to one or both partners being attracted to other people and eventually even falling in love with someone outside the relationship. This is a major reason to end a bad relationship, before this happens (even if you resolve never to look outside your relationship no matter how bad it is, you can't be so sure about your partner).
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Four months is so little time to be fighting and bickering non-stop that you should move on. This soon in you should still both be infatuated with each other and in the "honeymoon phase." If even that can't help things, what's going to happen when that part wears off?
P.S. you can't bump threads on this website. They are only listed according to when they were asked, not when they last got an answer.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Well you are talking about " the first part of our romance "... over a total of not even 4 months !, you should still be deep in the middle of the romance phase, if recurring bickering and miscommunications have alreday shown up so early, maybe it simply means that you are not suited to each other as personality. "Love " without compatibility , IMO, is basically infatuation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBUMP! Anyone out there willing to say anything?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 I think the substance of your submittal is found in this phrase: "...The problem is, I love him. "
IF constant bickering/fighting is within your standards of two people "loving" one-another, then this is the relationship for you.... Tough it out and report back in the future that you're living your dream....
IF you think that there's no place for repeated and ongoing angst between two people who claim to love one-another, then this relationship has run its course, and it's time for you to wake up and get out of it...
Good luck....
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