A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I don't know if you can help me or not, as this is a problem more around family relationships and the divide between family love and trust, and what is morally right or wrong.I have a devastating problem - this may take a while to explain, so please do bear with me here and read....any advice would be so greatly appreciated.Well, to get to the point quickly, I have just discovered that my brother (who is 35 yrs old) has stolen a large sum of money (£20,000 - UK) from my sister (aged 32), using her credit card against her will.She discovered the money missing from a bank statement....all the funds withdrawn were blown on the stock market! He has lost a considerable amount of her savings to date!!Firstly, I'd like you to note that we have all been brought up as a tight, loving family unit, raised to understand the difference between right and wrong...and this is the first time any of us have heard of dishonesty and any kind of breaching of laws from within our family.To give you background on myself - I am 33 yrs old and am luckily successful in a good job, as is my sister. My brother is highly intelligent, but hasn't had the luck in the job/career world and has spent most of his years being unemployed or trying to create a "fast buck" with some kind of brainwave (writing a book, etc). He is quite a dreamer and a loner - a depressive character, who as the eldest of the 3 of us, has taken no responsibility of his life in picking himself up.He lives with my elderly mother (my father died when we were 15, 16 and 18 years old) - my 72 year old mother nearly had a heart attack when she heard of this news. Naturally, we have all been so devastated around the deep betrayal we have been exposed to, especially when we have always done our best to help and support him. I have spent the last week crying every day due to the hurt and shock, and financial difficiulties he has now put us under.My sister's first reaction was to go to the police...this just set my mum in absolute agony that I feared she wouldn't live much longer. My role in the family is to try and help everyone and keep the family together. I even promised to pay back all the money myself, to my sister - from my life savings (I don't have much money!)...just to stop her from reporting it and keeping the family together.My fear about "shopping" my brother to the police is that he will end up in jail and probably kill himself as he is such a loner who has made complete mess of his life. Plus my mother and I could not live with the guilt if anything terrible happened to him. He may have done a bad thing, but it is so difficult to report this if it is a loved one.Plus, I knew he had in the past "dabbled" on the stock market, but the fact that he went to such great lengths to steal the money from us to invest (he had depleted ALL his funds - now bankrupt) - well, it shows a deeper problem around gambling.We have confronted him and he was prepared to go to the police, but for the fears I've described, I convinced him not to go, and for my sister to not report this...so that we can have the chance of working this out as a family.He has been very apologetic and I believe now terribly ashamed for what he has done. He is trying to get work so that we can work out a way of re-paying the money.However, today I caught him playing poker on the internet!! I confronted him, and he said that it was free and no money was involved. Has anyone experienced the effects of gambling or even theft from a family member, that they can share with me?I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this situation. Please do put yourself in my shoes. It is very easy to ridicule bad behaviour from outside a situation.......but would you really give your own brother up to the police for this......knowing the consequences of my dear, loving mother's last days being in deep emotional pain......?Please help.Thanks so much,Rose.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Thank you so much for both of you taking the time out to respond to my question - I am the original poster of the question (Rose).
Carebearer - to answer your questions - yes, my brother was very spoilt - something about being the first born and the only son. He always got his own way. And he is always being supported heavily by myself and my other sister, who work hard to earn the money that we do.
Having said that, we all came from a poor upbringing, which drove both my sister and I to excel acadamecially and get good jobs. Whilst my brother has always lived in some "fantasy world", pretending to be rich and glamorous when he is not!
I agree that he needs to get a job now and show he is willing to repay his debts and take action, as well as take steps to dealing with a gambling addiction.
He is very clearly trying to get work now and I believe is serious about trying to improve. However, he is refusing to accept that he has a gambling problem - I confronted him and asked him to go for counselling. He is refusing!!
So, I don't know what else I can do here. I know that even if he does get work, at some point he will gamble everything away. He has never been able to keep money.
But we are all trying hard to support him as well as taking a firm stance to try to convince him that he must get help.
Only time will tell what happens. But even though he can't admit it to us, I do believe he's starting to understand how big his problem is. Whether he will get help or not depends on him. I know we can't force him.
Thanks again for all your advice - a great help.
Rose x
A
female
reader, carebearer +, writes (30 August 2007):
Gosh thats is a very tricky situation you are all in. I feel sorry for you cos your in a very sticky position cos by being adamant your sister must not report your brother to the police could appear as though you are siding with your bro, and your sis may walk out of the situation feeling very alone, without her money and her family memebers.I understand why you are reluctant to send your borther to jail, it would be a shame to fore go all blood ties and report you bro, but he for gave all your blood ties when he stole your sisters money.How comes he has such a strange take on the world? Out of the 3 of you guys, he's the only one who thinks sucess and riches can be grabbed from thin air. Why does your brother not believe in hard work paying off, was he spoiled greatly (maybe as a consequence of your dads passing). Has it always been that he could do as he felt cos you, your sis and mum are always there to pick up the pieces?If that is so maybe now is the time for your bro to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. Unless he starts getting help for his gambling problems he'll never grow up and he'll never be responsible. I can kind of see how he feels, cos just the other day I went for a meal with a guy who couldnt pay for dinner, couldnt pay his bills, couldnt afford to get a driving licence but could quite easily flutter thousands on the stock market. What was worse, I was initially impressed by the fact he 'knew the markets' until a friend reminded me that it was still gambling. And it's true for some reason we look on casinos and stock market speculation as something glamourous and posh but ultimately it still is gambling.The same thing may have happened to your brother, he's gotten caught up an illusion of champagne, casinos and insider deals. I dunno what can make him see the light, maybe it could be facing up to what he has done and talking to the police. Or a promise to tackle his gambling head on, he starts seeing a gambling councellor, gets a job starts to pay his way and hopefully you can all move forward together as a family.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (28 August 2007):
 Hi Rose,
I really know this is a tuff situation for you, but believe me you are not going to help him covering up for what he has done.
I know this because I had to give my own son up to the police. It broke my heart, and i cried when they took him away. I thought I would have a nervous breakdown.
It started by him stealing small amounts of money, around 50-80 pounds in pound coins, that my ex-partner used to save. He had large amounts of cash around the house and I begged that my son would never do it again and for my ex to get a safe. As my son was only 15 at the time, nothing really came of it and he got off very lightly, just grounded and that sort of thing.
But it went on worse from there, he started after a while to come home with new clothes and told us that his mates dad had died and left him money so thay had all gone out on a shopping spree. Stupid I know but I never checked.
Perhaps i didn't want to believe that my son was becoming a compulsive liar and a thief.
I covered up for him so many times, you would not believe. In the end my ex had a couple of thousand pounds go missing. So of course the police got called and my son who was arrested and taken to the police station was charged as he was 17.
My son is my world so I totally know how you feel, but I just wish I had sorted my son earlier and let him deal with it the first time he stole. Maybe then he would never have stolen money again.
The fact is if you let your brother off he will do it again. He has stolen from your family because its easy, and he knows you love him and will forgive him. Its the worst betrayal.
Its up to you, what you do, but maybe the shock will change his ways. You could be doing him a great favour. I doubt that he would go to prison as its a first offence and he is offering to pay back the money.
If its any consulation, my son who is now 20 is lovely and has a good job and would never steal again.
I hope it all works out ok, but I think you are going to have to show some tough love to your brother. Or you will loss him anyway.
Be strong, I know it breaks your heart. I felt like crying when I read this because I know the decision is so hard.
Take care.
Tellulah XX
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