A
female
age
26-29,
*earchingSoul
writes:ive been in this relationship for about five months now and things are definitely not the way i thought they would be. I care deeply about this man but the communication is limited. We get into arguments which some end in physical altercations. Both on his end as well as mine. When i try to leave he forces me to stay by pinning me down or grabbing me. Some times i let my body go limp in defeat but then try to brake free. Its hard to understand him and to deal with it. Today we got into a disagreement because i called his Ex a bitch. He told me she wasnt one which in turn pissed me off. "I asked him so im a bitch but shes not?". The only reason i asked this is because the day before he had called me that as well as many other times. I feel as if he stood up for her.... Am i wrong?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 February 2017):
 You are both using violence and that is never okay in a relationship. I think you need to leave him, you are both toxic together and do not work, instead off bringing the best out off each other you both bring out the worst. Him restraining you is NEVER okay and you hitting him is NEVER okay. It is time to leave this relationship and maybe think off getting some help. You need to see a professional about why you would think it is okay for people to abuse you.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (13 February 2017):
 You need to leave him now. You don't deserve abuse and it's not love. Let him go before you get badly hurt.
On a side note, you can't "let" or "not let" someone do something. You can ask them not to, but you're not their parent and can't decide for them.
I think you have a bit to learn about relationships before being in one and he needs anger management.
Please leave him with a friend present or when he's not around, then never talk to him again and call the police if he won't leave you alone.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 February 2017):
 Leave. It's very simple - Completely toxic relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2017): You are in an abusive relationship with the potential for domestic-violence or assault. Restraining you is an overly-aggressive action, and should raise a thousand red-flags. This is only after 5 months in? The guy is a nut-case, and you're afraid of him.
You are apparently living together, or he has no reason or means of stopping you from leaving and not returning.
You are infatuated with the idea of having a macho boyfriend. You are not that much in-love with some guy you've only known for five months, and all you do is argue and fight. You're hooked on the drama; and the dramatics present all the appeal of a bad novella or soap opera. It's poison to the soul!
He is going to injure you badly. If you don't live with him, remove yourself; and go through every action necessary to end this toxic-relationship.
Pseudo-masochistic-style relationships aren't for everyone. The dominate-figure and the submissive arrangement you're describing is going to break your spirit until you're another statistic added to women in physically-abusive controlling-relationships.
You will become addicted to his control and aggression. Feeling that's what it should be. He will convince you that overpowering you is showing you his strength and how much he loves you. Only a narcissist would believe that!
It isn't love. Not from either of you. You're starting to submit to being manhandled; and should get some counseling. He's already having an effect on you; because you think you love him and can't just leave. This kind of behavior is only the prelude to damaging you emotionally and breaking your will until you're an empty shell of a person.
Eventually he will isolate you from your family and friends. He will treat you like his property, and you will become increasingly terrified of him.
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A
female
reader, SearchingSoul +, writes (12 February 2017):
SearchingSoul is verified as being by the original poster of the question As for the physical abuse. No i do not enjoy being restrained. When i try to leave he doesnt let me. He gets mad and pins me down sometimes pulls my hair. Yes i do hit him in hopes he'll get off me or let me go though that never works cause he only holds tighter, the thing is as a child i experinced abuse from my grandmother along with neglect and abandonment. Some times i feel like i deserve the abuse so honestly im not sure...
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A
female
reader, SearchingSoul +, writes (12 February 2017):
SearchingSoul is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Well he always seems to bring her up as well as has pictures of them together one including them kissing. One time he wanted to watch someones dog but never told me it was her dog until later. I was so upset because he had told me it was a friends dog and i agreed. If i had known it was her dog i wouldve never let it happen. Luckly it never happened.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2017):
 Doesn't matter how he views his ex. What matters is that you TWO together is a TOXIC combination that brings out the WORST in each other.
Since when is it OK for him to physically restrain you? And since when it is ANY of the new GF's business if the ex-gf was a bitch or not?
You hitting HIM is just as bad as HIM hitting or restraining you.
You BOTH need to walk away from this and GROW up. It's dysfunctional and toxic.
There will be times where we CARE deeply for someone but being with them is NOT a good idea. THIS is such a time for you. (and him)
My guess is you BOTH have some rather skewered view on what passion is. That the reason you two fight like cat and dog is because you "love" each other. It's not. It's because you both get OFF on the drama, the bad thing about that... one day ONE of you will get hurt significantly and the likelihood that it's you is bigger than it being him.
You have only seen the tip of the iceberg that is his behaviors, worse is to come and it will bring WORSE out in you too.
Get out of the relationship. Get your bearing. Figure out what you will ALLOW in a relationship and what are total dealbreakers SUCH AS VIOLENCE!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 February 2017):
You're pushing his buttons and baiting him, but that doesn't make it right for him to hurt you or pin you down.Neither of you can be in any relationships until you don't get physical during arguments. He shouldn't be physical, but you're being abusive too. This is just a toxic relationship with two perpetrators. You both need therapy or anger management to take responsibility for your actions and change the habit.You also need to break up with him and never stay with an anusive person. Take a friend to do it with you or leave a note and cut all contact, being prepared to call the police get a restraining order if he comes to your house (don't let him in, film him from inside for evidence).You can't be abusive, but he also can't either. Don't stay because it will keep getting uglier until one of you gets really seriously hurt.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 February 2017):
 Most definitively, you must dump him. Perhaps leave a little note that you are leaving him because he is physically abusive, but simply disappear and go no contact with him. He may try to sweet talk you if you reply back. Also, once you leave, be mi still that he may seek out to harm you, out of revange, so go where he cannot find you or alternatively have protection.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 February 2017):
Leave.
Why would you stay with an abusive man? You can't be that desperate for a relationship to stay with someone that could potentially put your life at risk.
You also need to realise that you should not be getting violent either, that's totally out of order. You two aren't a good match for each other if you both turn violent after arguments.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 February 2017):
 Allow me to give some advice that I wish someone had given to me when I was your age. NEVER stay with a person who physically abuses you. If you are touched in any manner that is not loving and kind, GET OUT!
I married a man like the one you are dating when I was 19. I knew he had a temper but it was never directed at me. He would hit walls, doors anything in his path when he was angry. I seen this first hand and should have ran. Instead I married him thinking he would never hurt me. I was so wrong. At first it was a poke, a pinch, a slap, it kept escalating. And then he broke my arm. I left because I feared next time he touched me I wouldn't be able to get away.
You shouldn't be hitting him either. Its a toxic relationship and it will only get worse. GET OUT!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 February 2017):
 What is wrong is that you are staying in a physically abusive relationship. At least, I assume it is physically abusive. From what you have described, it is not very clear. Does he hurt you when you try to leave? Do you think he will hurt you? Or do you actually enjoy the tussling? (Just asking to be clear as some people enjoy being restrained.) If you genuinely want to leave and he restrains you, then that is worrying.
A word of advice: his ex is HIS ex. She is nothing to do with you. Keep your opinions about her to yourself if you don't want to start a fight.
Don't put up with this relationship if it doesn't make you happy. You have your whole life ahead of you. Get out and enjoy it.
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