A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm really upset. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for a few years. We have been arguing recently. Last weekend, we argued because he was asleep all day and night for a couple of days. Although, I do feel sorry for him because he has a back problem and has a lot of pain from it. I went to his house on Monday, as I had left some stuff there. He didnt want me to go in at first, but then he let me in. He said he still wanted to be with me, but he was sick of us arguing. We ended up kissing, and he said something like "I know I say I want us to finish sometimes, but you know I don't really mean it and you know I always come back to you". But later on, he got moody again and said that it was a mistake letting me into his house, and that I couldn't stay over like I usually did because it was too soon after we had argued. I got mad at him and said you can't do things like that, saying you want to be with me one minute then the next you don't. He said he would text me on Wednesday, but I made the mistake of telling him to text me the next day. So he texted me yesterday, but I was still really upset that he had changed his mind and made me come home, so we argued again. I was heartbroken, so I ended up going round there again (he lives near me). This time though, he wouldn't let me in and he was shouting at me to leave him alone and he started shaking me and pushing me. Luckily, one of my relatives was there too, and he told me to go home and let things calm down for a few days. At first, he wouldn't agree to do that, but then he said he would leave it a few days and then we could see how it goes. He asked me not to contact him, and said he would contact me, which I'm not too worried about, as he has said that before, and then he has been in touch. He stood looking out of his window watching me and my relative as we went away, but I don't know if that means anything.What's worrying me is that his mum got involved, and she had never got involved in our arguments before. As I was on my way to his house, I noticed that she had sent me a message asking me to stop calling him and said "he's finished with you, and that's that". She sent that before I left to go to his house. I don't know if she knows that I went round to his house, or if she knows that we said we would leave it a few days, as she hasn't mentioned it, but a few hours later, when I was back home, she sent another message saying again that I should stop calling him, and that the more I called him, the more he didn't want to know, and she said she would get his number changed if I tried to call him again. I thought it was really rude of her to get involved, and it has made me feel like she doesnt like me. My relative had been supportive, as he likes us both, so I can't understand his mum's reaction. I haven't contacted him at all since I went to his house, but I am tempted to ask him why his mum got involved. He might not know that she contacted me, but he has obviously told her about what happened. I'm very hurt that he brought her into it, and it will make it awkward if we do get back together, and I won't want to face her then.I'm also upset becasue he removed his status from facebook saying that he was in a reltaionship with me, and has removed me from his friends list. He has done that before when we have argued or broken up though, or sometimes he just took my name off the relationship status, but didn't remove me from his friends list. I am still on his mum's friends list on there though. I'm surprised she hasnt removed me.I'm not sure whether to reply to his mum or not. In a way, I can't be bothered with it, and I don't think it would do any good. At first, I wanted to speak to her in person, but I know she would just take his side anyway.I actually want to get some kind of help with my problems. I have had jealousy issues before. I am also insecure and sometimes I get depressed. My boyfriend also suffers from depression.I spoke to my mum about it (and she would never actually get involved by contacting him, by the way), but she doesn't think I should bother with him anymore, even if he does get in touch, and she thinks it was wrong of his mum to interfere too. I didn't want to keep calling him, but sometimes I do that when I'm upset. I think him being physically violent towards me, and his mum's reaction have made me see that it's probably not worth calling him anyway though. I actually wanted a serious relationship with him, instead of being on and off so much. I think he really needs to make his mind up. I know we both have our faults, but I only have a go at him if I think he isn't interested, but he can't see that. He thinks I enjoy having a go at him.I'm finding it difficult to not think about him and not contact him. It doesn't help that I'm unemployed either, so I'm at home a lot and have a lot of time on my hands. Can you help? Any advice would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (16 February 2011):
Hi OP
Thanks for your update.
I am sorry to hear about your depression, and I do understand how difficult it can be to get motivated in that situation. It sounds to me like you have lots going for you in your life- lots of great opportunities. And I really admire you for going abroad to work, which is a big step. Plus maybe moving to London could be a good plan as well. It seems like you have several irons in the fire, as it were.
With this in mind, and also with some of your follow-up where you mention him being abusive and you both having bad tempers, I think the best thing here really is to leave this man. I don't think you are good for each other and I think that from what you've written that the relationship is not very healthy. I think you need to draw a line under it an move on, start a new chapter of your life. I also think that if your bf dumped you were only going away for a few weeks, then he is not a nice stable and reliable sort of partner you need. Plus, I think that sort of relationship could really hold you back from doing things you want to do, and going to places that you might want to go to.
I think, then, that you either need to ignore him from now on, or, perhaps better, respond to him, but make it clear that you don't want to get back together. Besides, you can't just be there at his beck and call because now HE wants to get get back together.
Good luck! Let us know how you get on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): he got intouch with me today and has said that he wants me back. i dont know what to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): Hi. I wasn't going over to pick a fight. I wanted to try and fix things, Although, I'm not sure why. And as to me arguing about him sleeping, it was really because, if he did that too often, we wouldn't have seen each other much, and yet in the past, sometimes he had a go at me for not seeing him much. But sometimes lately, we had seen each other more often.He also said in his texts that he thinks I deserve better, and that I should find someone else. I dont know why he said I did, and not that he did. I also didn't think it was fair of him to lead me on Monday. I also agree that he is abusive, and that we can both be as bad as each other with our tempers at times (although I shout, but I don't get physically violent. He is taller than me anyway so I wouldn't have stood a chance).I'm thinking of going away to study or work. I live in the north of England, but have been wanting to study or work in London for a while now, and perhaps stay with a host family. He wouldn't have let me do this anyway. He once broke up with me because I went to do an Au Pair job in Spain, but when I came back, he wanted me back again. I was only gone for a few weeks. I'm wondering whether to do another Au Pair job, and have been looking at hotel jobs. I'm also interested in tv, film and theatre. And I think volunteering for charities is a good idea too. I just need to motivate myself more to do it because of my depression and the problems I've had with him. I have a friend who is currently in Australia, where she is originally from, but she is moving back to London in May, so if I'm there then, at least I will have a friend there. I don't know many other people there. She had to go back to Australia as her mum has been ill. I do have some lovely friends, so that helps.To birdynumnums, I checked out the link you posted, and alot of it sounds like how he has acted!
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (9 February 2011):
.....to add to my answer, just because you are unemployed that doesn't mean you have to sit around at home a lot. There are hundreds of charities who are crying out for volunteers to help out in all sorts of ways. Why don't you look into getting out and doing something? I reckon this will really help with your relationship issues because you won't be sitting around waiting to hear from your bf all the time, and it will give you something rewarding to do with your time, and make you feel better about yourself. Don't make this guy the centre of your life. Go out and do something, and move on from this man. The relationship is not healthy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 I think that you are using this whole incident as a distraction. I was unemployed for 6 months, and it affected everything else in my life. I was depressed about it, it affected my self esteem - of course - how could it not? I made some really stupid decisions while I was unemployed that in hindsight all seemed to be temporary measures to make me feel better; when what I needed to tackle was the real issue. No one feels good about themselves when they aren't self-sufficient.
I think you can't see the issues or the big picture because of this; it's a distraction that keeps you from focusing on tackling the issue of your future. If you were happier about your life , you might just be able to step back and see that the relationship just isn't working. All you have talked about is how much you don't get along. I can't help but feel that your BOTH being depressed isn't going to help any relationship, but he also has many other issues. You are both past 25 and should be independent, its affecting you both. He has health issues, that affects his moods. He's a mamas boy and let's his mother do his talking for him. He is abusive. There may be far more signs that you have missed:
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/what-is-abuse/assess-your-situation/
You are needy and clingy - but why cling on to something that isn't feeding you or nurturing you? You are clinging on to a potentially violent relationship that has been full of breakups and arguments. The BIG PICTURE is what you should be looking at - not all the minor details; and you hoping for the relationship to improve is only wishing for something THAT PROBABLY WILL NOT HAPPEN. Why? LOOK at the past history of the relationship. There's a famous saying that history repeats itself. How much more time are you going to waste?
Every parent of a 25 year old on the site will tell you that his Mom was wrong - but what difference does that make? But again, You are asking the wrong questions instead of looking at the big picture.
The bottom line here is that you have broken up. I think instead of waiting to make up yet again as you previously HAVE done; which is what you are doing - you need to accept that you SHOULD make this permanent and move on.
You need to change your circumstances!!!
If you are past school or considering it; then do it. If you are not employed, start using your energies to find employment or get the training to get a job in a different field. Get your mind on where you are going instead of dwelling on this. You need greener pastures!!! You need happiness. You need growth. You aren't going to find it behind you. Good Luck Sweetie.
Please, please, please do not go backwards, his violent outburst is a giant Red Flag that points to his being an abuser.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Firstly, his mother should not be getting involved, she has made things worse by doing this. It does sound like he is confused about the situation and i think theres an element of boredom from both sides as well. Possibly because of the lack of anything to do, ie. a job. When we don't have much in our lives we can escalate our problems because we are bored. I'm unsure of whether he is actually physically violent towards you on how you phrased it, but if he is then that is not a good basis for a loving relationship anyway.
I would say, go your seperate ways, you are destroying each other.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (9 February 2011):
I'm afraid I think he has made his mind up. I don't think he wants a relationship with you an ymore, hence why he is treating you the way he is. I don't understand why you went over there (with your relative?) after you had been arguing again by text, and to be honest if you just went to pick a fight I'm not surprised he didn't want to let you in.
As for his mum getting involved, well, it's annoying for sure, but maybe she is sick of him being miserable and having rows. He might confide in her about things, and, ok no I don't think it is any of her business, but perhaps she just decided to take things into her own hands, even if she shouldn't have done. To be honest I don't think you should give it much thought.
Your opening paragraph was, to me, telling. You say you were angry because he slept all day and night, but then say you feel sorry for him because of back pain. This sort of pain can be extremely debilitating, and the fact that him needing to sleep makes you angry is a worrying sign. I'm not surprised if he got angry with you for this sort of reaction. He probably doesn't sleep well if he has a lot of pain, so needs more of it. Why this should start a row I don't know.
I think you should draw a line under this relationship and move on. From what you have written I don't think your bf is wholeheartedly in it any more. Moreover, he seems to have a lot of control over you if you just have to wait for him to contact you. I think that maybe you both have your own problems to deal with, and this might be done better on your own. Good luck!
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