A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for 7 years, and throughout the relationship we obviously had ups and downs like any other couple. However, one huge problem with us was that I had suffered some sexual trauma in my past which left it difficult for me to engage in sexual activities without panicking. As a coping mechanism, I closed myself off and wouldn't hold her hand or shy away when she went to kiss me because I felt disgusting and worthless. She's an affectionate person, so this really took a huge hit on our relationship. But she sacrificed a lot and decided to be respectful and give me the space and time I needed. That was at about year 3. Through the next four years, things were up and down- some times harder than others. But he had a really strong relationship otherwise. We respect and love each other unconditionally. We try to support each other fully. We communicate and trust one another. We really had an amazing relationship excluding that aspect. We had a great 5.5-6th year of our relationship and even got engaged because we both decided that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.Unfortunately, she is an affectionate person, and it's been something she's really struggling with recently. I really need to go to therapy for it, but I was just never comfortable or ready. And now I paid the price. We had to stop living together recently because she went away to grad school, and while I live only an hour away she is so busy with the work that they pile on her that it's hard for her to have time for anything. She confessed that she's been extremely depressed and confused. She doesn't know what she wants anymore, and that might include being with me. She said she doesn't feel like she can be the partner that I need her to be and that I might not be able to give her what she needs as a partner. So now we're not together. We're on a "break," and I feel so awful inside. I had doubts in the past, but I finally feel like I'm happy and confident in our relationship 100% and I know that she is what I want. But just when everything starts to fall into place, she doesn't know if she wants this anymore. And on top of that, she met a new friend and developed feelings for her- not love but "intense feelings." We're both firm believers that you can't help how you feel, especially when it comes to crushing on someone. But it really did gut me that she found someone else that she would constantly talk to, and laugh with, and miss... and that someone wasn't me. She told me that she needs to work on herself and figure out what's happening in her head before she can even consider re-entering our relationship. And she deserves that. She deserves to feel secure and happy and not confused. But I just want to help her through that. I always thought that I would be the one by her side helping her battle the tough times. I don't know what to do or how to be supportive without falling apart. I love her so much, and would do anything to have us back. We had so many plans for the wedding and kids. But I don't want her to force something that isn't there. I want her to be happy. But I don't know if she's feeling these things because of the depression or the girl or because we really aren't meant to be.I just don't know what to do. Please help.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 Your own adverse sexual experiences definitely played a huge role in the outcome of this recent relationship.
You should grant your partner her space and respect the fact that you had so much time to be with her, to make it work, yet you had trouble totally opening up both physically/intimately with her.
She's most understandably carrying a heavy load and cannot carry it anymore, hence her distancing herself from you and telling you how she feels.
It sounds as though you've done nothing to date, to help yourself deal with your own personal trauma and to make things better within your relationship.
You have been through so much obviously and for that i'm sorry, however, you chose to be in an exclusive relationship, for seven years with the same person, yet you couldn't ever allow her to be fully intimate with you, because you were never ready for her physical advances.
Surely you must have known that eventually this would cause a major issue between you both.
When one wants physical contact and physical love and the other can't or won't reciprocate, well, this relationship is doomed to die.
UNLESS you're prepared to change or to get some well needed professional assistance, then nothing will ever change between you both and the relationship is very much doomed.
As it is, i think your relationship is pretty much over.
Your gf, she's trying to break the news to you, in the most gentle way possible, that's she's prepared to let you go and to move on, because she's not fulfilled and totally happy with you anymore.
As i mentioned before, you allow her her space because she really requires this space to think and to get on with her life, as she sees fit.
Her future may no longer involve you and you have to learn to accept this.
She's met another person with whom she's obviously made a deep connection with and is obviously interested in, so you're going to have to take the back seat until she decides for once and for all, what she wants to do.
You may have assumed that she was the right partner for you, but maybe she wasn't and maybe you knew, right from the start that you and she wouldn't make it long term, because of your sexual trauma endured and all your fears around sex and physical intimacy.
You guys may not be a perfect fit together, but if you do yourself the biggest favour and go seek some much needed help, then just maybe you may meet the ideal partner for you and things will work out for the best.
I think in this relationship, it may be too late for you both and there is no way of going back if she doesn't want to be with you, so moving forward is your only option.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Hello. From what I understand that doesn't seem to be a lack of tenderness, respect and affection for one another but the physical side is basically non-existent?? I assume you told her that you felt disgusting and worthless, which is why you couldn't have that side of the relationship. She has put up with this for seven years, in which time you have done nothing about it...you were treading water. And, yes, I think you are now paying the price. Understanding what she was sacrificing wasn't a big enough motivation for you to step up and do something. You were basically loving companions - and not by choice on her side but by loving tolerance.Why do you think she doesn't think she knows if she wants to be with you anymore? She is away from you - she has time to explore herself, meet other people, see other couples and wants more than a sexless relationship. The 'putting up with' is starting to crack.I think maybe she is trying to let you down gently. She is ready to move on - too busy to come and see you, depressed, met someone else with intense feelings - what is this telling you? She does not want you by her side right now because she is working out if she wants to continue WITHOUT you. She clearly has feelings for you, but it's not enough. She doesn't want to hurt you but she can't go on. She wants more. It's been hard for her.So...are you going to therapy? What steps are you taking to make your life better, and thereby hers? What are you prepared to do to fight for her? Talk about mis-communication - you think you are 100% sure she's the one and she put you two on a 'break'. Why do you think that is? Depression is the belief in a negative future and thereby the person begins to shut down as a coping mechanism. Maybe she doesn't want to continue for the rest of her life being sexless. She's confused because she's invested 7 years of her life with you, she cares for you but is that enough? If she scraps that she will have to start again, which is daunting. Plus...she's studying hard, so she's got the pressure of that as well.There's no easy 'fix' for this. You are going to have to take action - going to therapy, allow her space, re-assure her and let her make up her mind...I hope it works out for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): hmmm I think that yes trauma evidently played a role in your lack affection. BUT I also suspect that you were not fully physically attracted to this person (and/or perhaps struggling or unsure about your sexuality?) Even so little as a kiss made you shy away, even given the caring nature of the relationship...I think that does show that no it was not just your self-loathing but also a lack of attraction as well. But I am not a psychologist so I can't say for sure. I think that with the right person with a strong enough attraction, you would be more able to break down the barriers that past trauma has given you. You might have had a really loving relationship, but if the physical attraction wasn't there you were destined to continue to struggle. I suggest moving on and letting this person move on as well. You might be surprised to find that the right chemistry can actually be very healing.
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