A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my wife and i are in our mid 20's. we really want to get a house soon but i just dont think its in our budget at all.she has a 4yr degree at a top school and im a laborer. im making $25+/hr with no student loans and shes making $14/hr with $95,000 student loans which is a HUGE chunk out of our monthly salary.im not dividing our payroll into her money and my money, im just looking at it overall that she has the most potential to get a great job with her great degree. her career options can easily start at $22/hr and within a few years make more than i am. and if she takes that path we would be living in a nice house, with nice cars and living safely. but in our current state we can barely afford the bottom end of houses and i know it will be constant stress.the part i need advice on is how do i ask her to help us out? ive laid it all out for her to see how much she could make, ive casually suggested it, ive begged her, ive told her flat out that theres no way we can move to a house with our income and she still wont even try, hasnt even done a resume. we as a family need her to get a better job, i wish it werent so, i wish i could single handedly pay for everything but i just cant. its getting to the point where im thinking do i have to just give her an ultimatum? get a job or lose me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): Your wife deserves to be happy.Is she happy now with what she is doing?Then leave her be.Would you be happy if she left you?If you give her a ultimatum she might..then you can pay alimony.My husband and l have been married for almost 40 years.We were never rich but very happy.We watched all our workoholic relatives go do this go buy that yet all ended up divorced bitter and alone but yes on a cold winter night they can snuggle up with all their money because sadly that is all they have.There is more to life than money but I see you need to learn that lesson the hard way especially if you issue a ultimatum.Your poor wife she thought you married her for love not her earning potential.It is way past time that you need to grow up and really learn what is important in life and let me tell you it is not money.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2017):
 I really don't think it is a great idea giving her an ultimatum all that will achieve is hurt and anger and possibly break you both up. I can understand why this would stress you out, but please take a moment to think positive and how lucky you are in life, you have a family, you have a wife, you both have jobs, you both have clothes, you both have food, you both have warmth and shelter, you are luckier than you know and stressing about not being able to afford a good house should not come in to it, your happiness should come first.
Sit and talk with your wife, she might be happy at her work at the moment and not want to change, talk to her and ask her what she wants and why is she still working for that pay when she can get more, listen and understand her. Tell her how you feel and both try and work something out that will suit you both.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (31 October 2017):
Hello O.P.a very kind thank you for your feed back it is much appreciate.How lovely to read of your deep love for your wife.Hopefully her best friend will give her that little push,but also thread with care on this.Right now she has a loving husband....maybe she does not need the world...but some extra cash would ease the pressure.Best wishes and thanks again.NORA.B.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): When you give an ultimatum, be prepared for a negative reaction even if she would normally agree with you. Ultimatums is a threat. How do you react to threats?Here's a thought... do you know WHY she chooses low paying jobs when she could obviously have a great paying career? Ask her. Listen to her. Maybe she doesn't have a clear answer yet. It could be that she has problems with her self-confidence. If it's the case, it takes time and energy (and money and therapy) to deal with them.I'm talking from experience. I have two degrees in two very different domains (one PhD and one masters degree), speak fluently 4 foreign languages and play the piano. One would think I feel pretty confident in my own abilities, but nooooo. For years I had accepted low-paying office jobs while giving others (my husband included) all sorts of excuses for my behavior. The truth was complicated. I thought I had been afraid of failure. And I had been, but I had been also afraid of success. (I won't bore you with how I had become that way, suffice to say that I had been constantly trying to please my demanding parents).Fear of failure is easier to understand since most of us have experienced it at some point in our lives. In my case I was desperately trying not to disappoint people I cared about, like my parents and my husband (but most of all myself - because if you don't try you cannot fail). Fear of success is tricky and here's how it works. Success is not just about becoming successful it's staying that way and that takes everything you've got and more. You need to prove that you're worthy of it and it's a nightmare, because when you succeed and then fail you've got nothing left. There's no way you can hide anymore. Success also changes things. Changes you. I often wondered had I been more successful in my career, would I have stayed with my husband. Would he be enough? Make no mistake, we love each other, we have survived and stuck together in sickness, war, poverty, for better, for worse. But still, it's a valid question. Would he fit into this new world? Maybe he wouldn't...When my husband would scold me for being afraid, I used to scream at him that just because I'm more educated and smarter (that's how he sees me) doesn't mean that I have other skills necessary for me to succeed (self-confidence, social skills...). I normally do not scream, but he just wasn't listening. At some point all I could feel was pressure from him and not support. But he was trying to be supportive in a wrong way.So, instead of threatening her, listen to her. Let her know that you're here to help her figure things out. I would strongly suggest therapy (BCT most of all). It can do wonders for self confidence. One thing you should know, though, when she starts changing (for the better) she'll change on all fronts and you may have to get used to the new version of your wife and you may not like it 100%. Just know that she has always been like that under the pile of useless fears and that whenever you mind something about this new empowered wife, it's probably your fear rearing their ugly head.In the end, we all have our limits. Loving someone means accepting those limits and that can be hard because we always see better others than we see ourselves. What if your wife has reached her limits, what if she lacks other skills necessary to be successful? Would you still love her even if you can't move to the dream house of yours? Have you reached your own potential? Does it frustrate you that your best isn't enough?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): Have you reminded her about all the nice things she is missing out on because she doesn't get a better paid job. Giving her an ultimatum is most likely going to end in a divorce. Enabling her to see that she is capable of doing a more taxing job and enjoy the rewards of that might be a better approach to try. For example tempting her with the possibility of an exotic holiday. Its quite possible that she lacks confidence in her ability.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2017): Hello NORA B.
This is O.P.., I appreciate your reply and I think I might contact her close friend to have a discussion about this. As for my love of her, I still love her deeply which is adding to my struggle. She is my best friend, I laugh everyday with her and I want to give her the world.
I will try to get some of her friends to help give her a nudge.
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A
female
reader, NORA B +, writes (30 October 2017):
This seems a very stressful situation for you .Yes i see your point that she will not listen to you at all .Because you are thinking of giving her an ultimatum.maybe you might consider first getting some outside help..... a money advisor.a family memeber,a friend who she might listen to.Try all the options of help first.....before deciding on the final decision.that way you can be happy that you did your best at all levels and it did not work.However i find in your need for help...which i understand...there is no mention of your love for her..or that she loves you.Maybe you might reflect on this in a quiet moment.Consider all your options first before you give her an ultimatum,remember in giving someone an ultimatum....one may not get the answer they were hoping for.Best wishes.NORA.B.
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