A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I grew up surrounded by family. Until the past few months I believed them to be a close-knit unit, but as I get older I've discovered many of my ideas surrounding my family were rose-tinted and the underlying problems and arguments were hidden from me.The current issue starts with my uncle, Uncle K recently proposed to his girlfriend L and after the initial joy of the announcement, his behavior became horrendous. The target of his anger was his mother and my grandmother who made it clear she had no wish to attend his wedding should his father be there.Uncle K, proceeded to scream and argue with her saying she was "selfish" and "being childish." Before storming out and refusing to speak to her for a number of weeks. They have since spoken and seen each other but neither has mentioned what happened.However my grandmother was not unjustified in not wanting to attend a ceremony in which his father was present. My grandmother had 5 children, her ex-husband and their father regularly beat her, verbally abused her, financially controlled her and eventually came out as gay and demanded a divorce. After divorcing her, he refused to pay towards his children and would only visit on occasion showering them with treats and toys. Out of the 5 siblings only 2 refuse to have contact with him, one being my mother (who he was also verbally abusive too, his partner at one point threatening to have my father killed). I can't fathom why any of them still have contact with him but I suspect it is money.Equally Uncle K had just been informed my grandmother had Parkinson's disease but would refuse to hear about her treatment or hospital visits from his other siblings.My mother eventually spoke to him, asking him to keep my grandmother in mind over the wedding planning, he then yelled at her and another Aunt, Aunt G, claimed that it was because of my mother that their mother no longer wanted anything to do with their abusive father. My mother, youngest aunt and grandmother have made it clear they will not be attending the wedding should their father/ ex be there. However I have always had an extremely close relationship with my Uncle K, over the Christmas period he invited me to be a bridesmaid and pay the deposit on my hotel room but I was unable to respond much more than a feigned smile as I realized the gravity of the situation. I have no desire to attend this wedding should he continue to act like this. I know the struggle he is going through as he does love his father but I feel his has been out of line in the way he has handled the situation. If I refuse to come to his wedding, it's likely he'll cut me off or my mother off entirely but I can't spend a day smiling and pretending to be happy while the man who abused my grandmother preens and insults my mother.This is an old family argument brought out whenever there is a large event and in the past my grandmother has endured the company of her ex-husband to attend christenings or engagement parties but says she no longer has the strength to watch 3 of her children ignore her for the entire day and fawn over the man who left her penniless and abused her. Because they do ignore her, for my cousin's christening not a single one of them spoke to her throughout the day and my cousins will boast about how he has a home in france and takes them on holidays while my grandmother is still forced to work to earn her pension because she had to give up her private pension when he left her to raise the children.I get so angry thinking about how selfish they are but still get scared over confronting them. My grandmother doesn't want to see her family break apart but I can't stand back and let them continue to treat her like this.
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christmas, cousin, divorce, grandmother, her ex, money, no desire, on holiday, period, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): Many families have disputes, arguments, bad blood and your's will be no different, they have just managed it better than most. It is all brewing now for your eyes and ear,s.
The best advice I would give you, is keep well out of it, stay clear, keep quite, leave the room when it erupts. Think of it this way, how fortunate you have been , not to witness this all the time, such as growing up in it. Why bring it to you by interfering by choice...I would never become a part of this and there is nothing you can say or do, to change peoples feelings, you won't help them see the error of their way's, there won't be a happy ending because you spoke up, you will just end up adding to the fallouts. Stay out.
Let people who want to fight, do it for themselves...you are young and should be focusing on having fun and carving out a solid future for yourself. If somebody does not want to go to an event( wedding ), then simple, don't go.
Weddings , Funerals, arguing families always spoil them.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (6 January 2016):
I know how you feel... but honestly, you need to let it go. There are somethings you can't get in between.. you need to let them be and do what you think best. Leave the actual matter to the people it concerns. I know how you want to protect your mum n grandmum n want to support them.
But it's really not your fight. Stick to doing whatever you feel best. Keep a neutral approach, because in the end, they are all your family.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 January 2016):
 I can see your family's point of view, they do not like this man for what he has done in the past, and the are entitled to not like him. However I think the point that is missing here is that it is your uncle and his girlfriends big day, not your grandfathers, not your grandmother, not your mothers but there big day. He loves his dad and therefore he wants all his family to be there. Yes it must be tough for your grandmother, but at the end of the day it is your uncles choice if he wants a relationship with his father. He may have mistreated his mother but at the end of the day he will always be his father and nobody should get in the way off this. I honestly think your family need to make the effort for your uncles sake and put there feelings to one side. It's his wedding.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 January 2016):
 This sounds like a battlefield on which you should play no part. Let the pieces fall where they will.
If your opinion is sought then try to pour some oil on troubles waters. Otherwise keep your own counsel and appropriate distance. I can't see any good in your getting involved in this.
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