A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend would be the perfect candidate for someone with a necrophelia fetish. Unfortunately, that's not me. As I think back over the past year I can recall times of better sex and some of the worst encounters possible (the train keeps running with no final destination in sight) but no matter what it was my show.Her mode of seduction and cuddling are one and the same: a simple draping of the arm over my chest. When she wants to be obvious about her intentions it will be an arm which is connected to a nude body. From that point on it is all me.Fellatio? Forget it. If I ask and the moon happens to be a particular shade of blue it might be possible. She says that her jaw hurts when doing it. The last time included almost comical theatrics where she was "clicking" her jaw by opening and closing her mouth like a fish.Cowgirl? Nope... especially now that she is in the sixth month following knee surgery. She suggested it might be possible on the sofa by keeping one foot on the floor but when I brought it up again - nope.Anything that may stray from the beaten path (mainly missionary) seems to meet with great resistance and I have to say that I believe the issues to be psychological. I am the first boyfriend she has actually slept with (those other poor bastards) at the ripe old age of 29 (she's a year younger) even though she has had FWB situations.I think she has issues with intimacy and security with people she is emotionally connected with. Remove the emotional connection and the knickers come off!It's sad to say but I go through waves of satisfaction and waves of wanting to call things off. It's just no fun sleeping with a bean-bag. I currently live with her which makes things difficult.We have discussed the issue to no resolution other than her clarification of what I want and her suggestion that she discuss it with a therapist.Other than waiting for therapy to give results does anyone have any ideas for how to liven things up? or does the dark cloud loom? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 March 2009):
I think you may be right. There will come a point where either she opens up a bit, or you find that enough is enough and go.
Just don't hang around too long.
You aren't getting any younger and all the good girls are going to be married off / have ticking biological clocks very soon. (Now there's a situation in which you'd really like to know which wire to cut.)
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn answer to some of the questions:
- I don’t joke with her about the good stuff. I always try to be supportive and encouraging of ANY activity outside the norm.
- I don’t believe it’s an issue of morality as she has done them before and done them with others. In her own words it seems she was a little more adventurous with FWB situations. I then asked her if she has difficulty going there when emotionally invested and she said it was an “amazing insight”.
- The knee was a surgery to repair a congenital defect. The only real difference in sex before and after is the possibility of “doggy style”. “Cowgirl” was never a common visitor and still required more action from yours truly.
- We have sex fairly regularly… not jackrabbits, not cliché married couple.
- Over the past year it has been brought up probably three or four times. Prior to “shackin’ up” I attempted to address the issue and said “If someone were to ask me right now if I could see a life without fillatio I would say ‘NO’.”
- I have mentioned that she need not spend the entire time performing fillatio. I said that it “could be an appetizer, not a full course”.
- I don’t jump with the drape of the arm or click of the fingers… she seems to have an amazing capacity of foregoing intimacy. Lack of action on my part in the past has led to some of the three or four long, wonderfully comfortable conversations which ultimately have gone nowhere.
I know there is no easy answer for this. I also don’t want to pretend to be Don Juan but I am conscious of my end of the bargain and enjoy doing my part. They say the female orgasm is mostly mental but there is quite a nest of wires here. Do I cut the red wire or the blue wire? Wait… what’s that ticking?
Seriously, I appreciate the replies. The answer may be organic: one of those things that will work themselves out. They say you should never try to change someone… I suppose a good question to ask is if she wants to change? If she is happy and I am not and there has been no compromise then it may be a matter of time. Then there’s the question of whether this issue is self-propagating (does she have trouble going there because of the elephant in the room?). Hmm… it seems guys are easier… too bad I’m not gay.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 March 2009):
Well she comes along and drapes her arm over you or clicks her fingers or what ever it is, and you jump to it!
She's not going to change if this works for her.
Just stop responding. Tell her you can't be bothered to make all the effort all over again. Or ignore her so she has to put some effort in if she wants some.
Some girls find oral sex really uncomfortable to give but she could make some compromise, like she could do it as part of foreplay just till it started hurting and then you can move on to sex.
If she gets theatrical then just laugh and tell her how incredibly attractive it is when she pretends to be a fish and then wander off and go and play xbox for a while.
You seem to be making tonnes of effort and letting her get away with not making any so of course she is not going to want to change.
Try having sex in a chair, that way she is on top without having her knees under pressure.
Or up against a wall, or on the tumble dryer.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): i hate to say this but i sometimes am the same way i love missionary and i have lock jaw witch doesnt only hurt to give head but also causes headaches exc. but i cave in when i know he wants a change. he just flat out told me he hates doing it the same way all the time and i should meet him half way its olny fair and hes right so i dressed up for him n a sexy outfit and and tried many other positions and gave him a blow job despite the fact it was slightly painfull.maybe you should try being a little less nice about it and just tell her look i hate doing it that way and ur being selfish in this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): I have to say that this is possibly one of the best posts on here i've ever read, im sorry you're having problems but i dont think its all one way - you mention a knee injury, what was sex like before the knee went cuput? could it be that you havent had sex in so long shes just not confident enough right now and needs a little weening?
How often have you mentioned thepoblem to her?somtimes further discussions make it worse because she'll fel pressured to do something different and subsequently feel herself as inadequate.
Maybe your chemistry ust isnt there, maybe the hearts just not in it.
Hell, i draped my arm over my husband this morning and he did nothing, i realised my tactics werent on form so i made it damn obvious i wanted some action and he still just got out of bed.....
He later told me i should have said something, so i guess it says a lot for communication, even when you have your head firmly between your partners legs shout it from the rooftops "honey!im goin in!!".
You need to talk to eachother again, see whats really going on in that head of hers, if you cant figure it out, you may need to move on...plenty of fish in the sea, as they say...im not sure i've ever seen one with a clicky jaw though....
regards
xx
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