A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been casually dating a Jewish guy for about a month now. Vital background information is that I am a (Christmas/Easter mass attendance only) Catholic and always find myself attracted to Jews. Although I value different religions and find it interesting to learn about other people's views, I do not think it should be a deciding factor as to whether someone is right for you. I also should mention that I have several female best friends that are Jewish, and I have taken part in holidays (most frequently Passover) with them. I feel that religion should be a source for learning and expansion, not exclusion...which the dating part always seem to be for me. After talking to this guy's best friend I found out that the guy I'm interested in said he does not want to be in a relationship with me, but he is eager to be in a relationship and "settle down" because he is almost 24 and will be graduating college soon. Personally, I feel that his reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship with me is solely based on the fact that I am not Jewish, which means he would feel like he's wasting time on a gentile since he would never "settle down" with one. Although I understand the strength and importance of Jewish customs to marry another Jew, I am very hurt that he would eliminate any chance of "us" so quickly. Other than our religious differences, we get along wonderfully. To me, it seems a shame to throw that all away without even considering that some people convert, or that love can outweigh tradition...or that 24 is really young to get married anyway. Does anyone, Jewish or non, have advice as to how I can try to open his mind to other options without discussing marriage, as to not freak him out? I just want to enjoy what we have in the present, but it seems this will be in the back of his mind, preventing his ability to do so. Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): You would be the fourth generation that I have observed dealing with this issue. My Mother didn't even get a chance to date the Jewish boy that she had a crush on. My first boyfriend was Jewish, and as a lasped-Catholic, I had NO idea what this entailed, so our relationship was short-lived. My Sister-In-Law was dating a Jewish boy through Uni, and she was very much in love with him, but the family, who were all survivors, nixed the match (He is now having a mid-life crisis and stalking her).
From this example, you have to see how hard it is to go against the grain and leave to marry outside of the faith, but the alternative to this is a lifetime of regret. My own daughter dated a Jewish boy in Uni, only three years ago. He told her repeatedly that "She was the One" and brought her home to meet his parents. He dropped her the very next day, after meeting his parents, in the middle of her exams. I would love to think that things have evolved, but you should know what you are up against. My daughter didn't believe how strong that their parents influence can effect their relationships, but I am afraid, for the most part, this is still true. If anything can be gleaned from this, please try to take it to heart. I obviously cared for someone outside of my faith, and it did not matter one iota to me, but I can totally understand, after everything that people of the Jewish faith have been through, that it matters to them, and I'm sure that they have misgivings about how they feel about inter-faith marriages. If you are sincere and without doubt about your feelings, then go to a Synagogue and start learning about the Jewish faith. I think that you have not chosen the easiest path, but love is never easy, and there are plenty of inter-faith marriages that have worked.
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