A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:One year ago my husband of 23 years was arrested, he had been looking at underage pornography. 45 counts of category a amongst other. Myself and our family were totally shocked as he had always been a very good person who helped all the family and the grandchildren loved him very much as I did. He was 67 at the time, and moved out as I felt he could not live here while waiting to attend court. He has now been to court and was given a Community order and has to attend probation once a week, and this month has to attend a Sexual awareness course. Off his own back he has already attended something similar which cos £800 pounds, called the Lucy Faithfull trust. My problem is of my own making I have been seeing him on and off since a while after he moved out, my adult kids are so against that and tell me I have to get rid of him as there is no coming back from what he did, I would lay my life down he would never have touched a child, for one thing he has been impotent for many years . He has also been a volenteer, which started off as a hall for an outreach centre for the homeless, he and several others have restored a very old hall and the church attached to something amazing. The main people who he was working with know of what he did, they have been able to forgive him. But not my son and daughter, also his son. They all have young children so maybe I can feel for them. My son has been on my case tonight and told me if I don't sort something out Thatnwill be it, I really need some advice please.
View related questions:
moved out, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 October 2017):
 *what he's done IS heinous.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 October 2017):
OP, do you understand why nearly all of us believe that total forgiveness isn't appropriate here? As it wasn't one time or a mistake; it was dozens of images/videos of Class A child abuse and more of other classed crimes.We understand that you love him, and that denial about who he is and what he gets pleasure from is the only way you could forgive him, but your children are right not to let him near their children or want any contact with him.Decent paedophiles seek therapy to avoid *ever* looking at indecent pictures of children or acting on their orientation and do absolutely everything to keep their desires under control without harming or adding to the harm (through child porn) of minors. Your husband did not do that. He violated the innocence of several children by watching them be sexually abused, for his own sexual pleasure.I'm glad he's trying to make amends, but he will never be able to work off what he's done or be trusted around children. I think you need therapy to help you come to terms with this, as choosing him over your children (which is what you are currently doing by wanting to keep both) makes you someone who accepts child abusers. What he did was CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE because he contributed to the demand for it. If you forgive him, you are saying that what he did was okay because you'll forgive him anyway. You don't have to wish ill on him, but choosing to stay in contact with him, rather than understand that what he's done isn't heinous and side with your children and grandchildren, would say a lot about you.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 October 2017):
 Off course your children are not going to forgive him, OP your husband is a pedophile, he should not be near any children. He might have been impotent because it is not you he is attracted to but children. Honestly I really do not know how you can forgive this. The things he watched was innocent children being raped and abused and he got pleasure from that, you think what he did was okay? Forgivable? Because OP I don't, I have watched what sexual abuse has done to children, I have witnessed how horrendous and upsetting it is, I have watched it ruin lives. I get this is hard for you and your children, but if I was in your shoes I would be a mother and choose to be with your children and grandchildren.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2017): You were shocked to find that your husband was into child pornography - that means you have had NO IDEA what he has been up to.I don't blame your children for not wanting your grandchildren around him. They are probably wondering if he abused their children. It is a terrible predicament to be in as a parent.You have forgiven him - what if he tells you he has abused somebody child or even your grandchild? How will you feel then? You need your children and your grandchildren. Do not alienate them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (8 October 2017):
OP, I'm sorry you have to choose between your husband and your children. Ordinarily, I'd wonder if the children were being unreasonable, but it's clear in this case that they aren't and are trying to protect their families. Perhaps if you'd found out he'd been looking at child porn whilst your children were minors, you'd understand that you'd have to cut him off.
Either way, whilst it's never a nice decision to make, this really is a no brainer, OP. If you and your husband care about your children and grandchildren, you'll cut contact with each other and *you* will choose your family, not your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 October 2017):
 Lets get back to the crux of the original question. The lady's children have issued an ultimatum. They want her to stop seeing her husband (convicted of child pornography offenses) or stop seeing them.
Whether the man can be cured, is cured or will never reoffend is irrelevant to the lady's current situation, their adult children don't care, they have chosen not to have anything further to do with him.
The lady is 70 years old. She is coming to a time of life where she will need the support and company of her children and grandchildren more than she needs the husband.
She has been given a choice, the husband or her children. If her husband has her best interests at heart he will withdraw from her life and encourage her to pick the kids.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): Anon the OP can't know enough about her husband to know if this was a "one off" FORTY FIVE TIMES. If she didn't know it was happening until he was arrested (which is fair enough) she does NOT know who he really is.
Paedophiles aren't attracted to adults. I'm sorry to say this marriage was a cover for his desires. That causes his impotence. Once he looked at child porn he did an unforgivable thing. When you cause that much harm to someone, there isn't any coming back from that. By all means help others, but you can't expect to be forgiven for looking at minors being abused.
Anon it's worrying that you don't understand that this isn't about basic forgiveness. He CANT repair the damage done to the children in the photos he looked at. It wasn't an anomaly it was a choice.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 October 2017):
I'm sorry, Anon, but you wouldn't feel the same way if it was your children abused in those videos/pictures.
He has an illness, yes, but it's incurable and he chose to act on it. That's the problem here - THAT is what's unforgivable. Paedophiles can't cross the line and he did multiple times. He wasn't caught with one slip up; he was caught with 45+ DECISIONS! He decided to choose his sexual gratification over the safety and wellbeing of children.
Children aren't safe around him - even other paedophiles (who never look at child porn or touch children) would tell you that. There's a reason paedophiles are considered the worst criminals in and out of prison.
Sure, he could be a good man other than that, but his good actions will never repair or make up for the harm he helped cause by viewing those photos and videos. Whilst his grandchildren are minors, his children should most definitely shield them from him.
You can do what you want, OP, but never make excuses for a paedophile acting on their attraction to children. If you stay with him, stay with him knowing he's a paedophile who watched the rape and abuse of children, not try to dismiss it because he does charity work and is impotent (he'll be less impotent when looking at minors).
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): I never reply to stuff on here anymore but after reading all the responses below, felt I had to this time.No one is condoning what he did. But it is possible for an otherwise good person to do a bad thing. You know your husband better than anyone here and probably better than anyone else. You know whether this incident is part of a larger pattern of destructive and abusive behaviour toward children or more of an anomaly. Was he a wolf in sheep's clothing all these years, or a mostly good person with a character flaw or mental condition? The fact that the courts didn't send him to prison and his co-workers forgave him is telling.All the answers below are essentially saying that this crime is so reprehensible there is no coming back from it, EVER. No redemption possible. That no matter how sorry he is, what reparations he makes, how much therapy he receives, he is a vile criminal forever condemned. But I was taught there is always possibility of redemption. If there is no forgiveness in this universe even after we have apologized and done everything possible to reform and repair the damage, then there is no hope for any of us. Because everyone is flawed.The courts know this. They have conditionally released your husband back into society, knowing he's unlikely to physically harm a child. Why send him to the sexual awareness course if he had no hope of reform?From your description of his character, I respect your choice to forgive him. But it's not your job to win forgiveness from your kids. Your children are adults and make their own decisions. Same with you. So if you want to remain with your husband - the person you pledged to honour and love, in sickness and in health - your children can't stop you. They have to accept it, just like you must accept their decision to cut him off. It'd be nice if eventually they were open to having a dialogue with him but it sounds like more time will have to pass before that happens. They're not ready for it now and that's fine. Things change with time. The future is still open. There is hope.
...............................
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (7 October 2017):
You expect your adult children who have young children of their own to ignore the fact that your husband was caught viewing child sexual abuse pornography? Lady you are a piece of work. The most important job a parent has is protecting their children. That is what your adult children are doing.
The fact that you are ready to overlook the sexual abuse of children and your grandchildren's safety for this man is beyond sad it is pathetic. Good on your children for doing what is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): He will do this again and maybe more..bet on it.You are living in a dream world.Thru the years there have been many studies done that prove that this is not curable. No matter how many classes he takes or how much therapy he has or how much volenteer work he does he will always be a sicko pedofile.There is nothing you or anyone can do to stop this. I really pray to God that he has not touched your kids or grandkids.Have you even asked them if he has? The real reason he can not get it up with you is you are not a child.Why on Earth would you want him to even touch you after this? Why would you even consider staying with that pervert?Why would you choose a pedofile above your children and grandchildren?What is wrong with you that you would condone and enable this kind of behavior?You should find a good therapist to help you to see the reality of all this.Please tell us you are smarter than this.Get help for your sake your kids sake and your grandchildrens sake..please do it today...yes this is that serious..get help now.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2017):
 I'm sorry, but you are not qualified to ever say what he would and would never do. You are the least qualified person in the world to ever make that statement. I also think that you are in extreme denial and have pushed away the gravity of what happened a year ago.
He's been doing it for a very long time, having amassed at LEAST 75 underage pictures, making him a frequent consumer of underage pornography. He is a pedophile! This is NOT a case of his accidentally downloading one picture of a girl who was 15 who he thought was 18. HE DELIBERATELY looked for CHILDREN to masturbate to! Men can still ejaculate and experience orgasm without erection, and you don't know what he can or can't do. He has an entirely other life you didn't know about until it collided with you a year ago.
Your children were severely and utterly traumatized by what happened. You have no clue whether or not he was sexually attracted to them as children, and by keeping him in your life, you're exposing grandchildren to him! NO WAY!
As for his being a volunteer and a pillar of the church, uhh, does the name JERRY SANDUSKY mean anything to you?? He was also a volunteer and pillar of the community who used the access that his charity and volunteer work gave him to have access to children. Even if it's just pictures, he is part of the DEMAND for the abuse of children. It's truly horrific, and I have no understanding for hurting your children and exposing your grandchildren in this way. The fact that he's their father makes it 100x worse.
All the legal system did is arrest him and slap a bandaid on his proclivities. You don't go through a year of classes and expect everything to be raspberry creme pie and everyone's all better now and he's a faithful non-pedophile. He's a lifetime sex offender. You may have only known about it for a year, but he's been it for decades!
A good mom puts her children first, even grown ones. He made his choices. You are hurting your children and your grandchildren by not getting him away from them and you. Yes, you had 23-odd years. But you can't go back. The man you loved doesn't exist. He's been living a lie for a long time, and now you're choosing to live a lie rather than accept the reality that he *IS* still a pedophile. He *isn't* changed, and he IS a DANGER to any child he comes into contact with. Do the right thing. You are the one needing forgiveness for betraying your children a second time, because before you were as much of a victim as they were. Now, you know better, and you will be accountable.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (7 October 2017):
 Sending hugs. This must be terrible for you and your family.
I have to point out that abuse of children is not just about actual penetration. Even viewing child porn is supporting the industry so don't live under the illusion that your husband did something less serious than he is being accused of. It is all interwoven and all harms the defenceless victims. How would you have felt if these abused children were your children or grandchildren? Would it still seem as harmless?
You say you would lay your life down that your husband would not have touched a child. Before this came out, would you also have been equally confident that he would not view child pornography? I have a feeling you would have been just as certain of that - but look how it turned out.
You have history with your husband and know that, for the most part, he is a good man. While it is YOUR choice and your choice alone on whether you choose to forgive your husband and whether you choose to stay with him, other people may view things differently, especially given that they have young children. Surely you can understand their worries and concerns?
Can anyone who is helping your husband also help/advise you? There must be support out there for families of men in this situation. You need to talk to someone about this because, as it stands, it is as choice between your husband and your children and grandchildren. You need help with this. Acknowledge that your children are going through a hard time at the moment and, adult as they are, still NEED you as their mother, especially as they have just "lost" their father.
...............................
A
female
reader, holeymoley +, writes (7 October 2017):
 "I would lay my life down he would never have touched a child" I'm not sure why you cant make the connection to the sheer gravity of his actions. It makes very little difference to the abused children he watched for his sexual gratification.Watching is just feeding the sick and depraved industry that it is. Sorry but you cant be discounting his behaviour AT ALL. I feel for your children. So much to process and too be honest whats to forgive and where would you even try to start anyway? They are parents themselves and their duty and natural instinct is to protect their most valuable possession from such predators, the ones we see and hear on the 5 o'clock news and scoff in disgust, and that predator turns out to be their father. Personally i think the only forgiveness is to forgive your kids for not wanting or being capable of forgiving. By a social and moral standard your husband set the ultimatum well before your kids did. I mean what would anyone expect the outcome to be once exposed- Me or them.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2017):
 Honestly?
I wouldn't piss on a man like your husband if he was on fire. I don't CARE that he "only" looked at underage pornography. By doing so he has SUPPORTED the people who took advantage and ABUSED these underage VICTIMS. So he can get off his high horse if he thinks he isn't bad for what he did.
And if it came out that my own father had done such a thing, I would cut him off in a heartbeat.
When it comes to abuse within a family - the spouses have often been the ones in denial, like you.
I 100% understand where you kids come from.
And YOU have to understand and accept that they want nothing to do with him anymore. And if you choose him - you lose them.
It doesn't matter that "other people" have forgiven him. I'm sure these other people wouldn't let their kids/grandkids near him or let him be alone with them.
I know I may sound harsh but I don't think there is ANYTHING more deplorable than child abuse. I believe the punishments for anything pertaining to it are way to mild.
There is PLENTY of "barely legal" porn available with people OVER 18 who have CHOSEN and CONSENTED to have the pictures taken. There is NO excuse for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): I'm sorry to say but not getting his pecker up is not an excuse to state he wouldn't touch a child .. abuser use sorry not just there willy .. there hands or objects.. sometimes their desire is the control the inflict on the child .. As an adult and someone who experienced abuse can't say when it started but I can tell you when it stopped I was 8 and scared senseless .. and yes mine , was a family member .. much like your husband to your grand children .. I'm not saying abandon him .. but I'm sorry life will never ever be as it was .. and you not he can totally trust himself around young children .. so don't let him be .. If you wish to support him ; then do so .. don't ask your children who have vulnerable children to do the same .. back off - you can not make them forgive or forget .. Yes; he is trying to help himself but this need stemmed from somewhere .. his ability to have intercourse with anyone is not an issue .. his thinking his wants and desires .. those are ..He needs to realise that he is now going to be carefully watched by others and even by himself .. hopefully .. Good luck . Plus I'm am not a victim .. I would not give the man who put me through my ordeal that power .. I lived it .. I dealt with it and yes I watch females and males in the company of my children .. any inappropriateness and I'm straight to the point .. leave .. my children are also aware no one touches them in their intimate parts and no mama wouldn't be angry if they tell me .. or think they were bad .. just like I don't let people touch me there .. they shouldn't either .. and it's something grown ups do not children and they are very open .. my family know my children know this and people I have in my house ( adults) your children need to educate their children in a way not to frightening them but to protect them .. and you as their grandmother should be hell bent on wanting that to happen .. hand do your hubby feelings or his embarrassment. As said as an adult in mental health - you can support your husband if that is what you wish to do - but stop fooling yourself or trying to fool others .. this wasn't curiosity in any shape or form, his wants and desires took over and he looked at pictures lots of pictures ; that would make a mother weep . .. be honest with yourself .. and yes it's good he is getting some help .. does that make him all better .. no it does not .. does that make this forgivable .. no it doesn't .. So please try and look objectively as at the minute your subjective and blinkered to the grossness of the act itself .
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): My friend was raped and used for underage porn, OP. Your husband is just as much an abuser as the people making it. My friend's abuser is in jail until next year and my friend is still unable to have healthy relationships because of what a trusted adult did to him.
Please don't dare make excuses about him not touching any children, as he watched others doing it and that is enough. If he watched videos of real murders, especially of children, would you still say it's not so bad because he wouldn't do it personally?
A year and a half ago, you would have laid down your life that he wouldn't look at child pornography, but you'd have been MASSIVELY wrong. Do NOT reason that you'd bet your life he'd never touch one.
We are here for you, but he needs therapy and to stay far away from all children - which means you need to choose between your family or a pedophile. You also need to listen to victims and their families, so you know the harm and devastation "just watching" causes.
Also, lots of rapists are impotent, so don't use that as BS evidence he couldn't touch a child.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 October 2017):
While you may be prepared to lay down your life that your husband didn't touch a child he was complicit in at least 45 incidents of somebody else touching children on his behalf.
I understand where your children are coming from, what happened to those children your husband participated in by viewing will stay with them for the rest of their lives, some will commit suicide and many of them will go through life unable to form lasting relationships.
Your children are aware that it could quite easily have been their own children who were the victims, if not at the hands of their own grandfather then at the hands of somebody just like him.
Unfortunately your husbands actions have proven that he should not have access to children, any children, whether they be printed on paper, on a computer screen or in the flesh. By continuing to associate with him you are sending a message that he is more important than the children who were abused.
You are nearing the end of your life, you need to decide if you are prepared to live the next (and last) ten to fifteen years alone with no contact with your children and grandchildren or if you will do the smart thing and opt for self preservation by cutting all contact with your husband.
If your husband is genuinely contrite for his past actions he will understand. If he loves you he will urge you to take this path.
Not knowing either you or your husband it may be possible his volunteer work may be an attempt to manipulate his way back into your home. Talk to your children, ask them how they read the situation. They may have the same concerns in this regard.
Whichever it is the children have given you an ultimatum, him or them, I strongly urge you to listen to them.
Please come back if you need somewhere confidential to off load concerns or if your husband seems to be influencing your decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 October 2017):
OP, wake up. Impotence is a HUGE problem with many rapists. It's about power, not erections. There are many ways to violate someone and most don't need a penis.
Secondly, he WATCHED other people ABUSE children. He doesn't have to touch one; he contributed to the abuse of them by watching it. He is a paedophile. Use the word. Get used to it. Accept that he is as bad as the ones who touch because he did ACT on it by watching, which encourages those physically doing it to do it more.
He should be nowhere near those grandchildren and I don't blame your children for not forgiving him. Imagine the families of those children he looked at - does it matter that he didn't touch them? No, of course not.
You are forgiving him because he's familiar, not because you've accepted the reality of what he did. He needs professional help to combat his paedophilia, so he never re-offends. He will need to become a "NOMAP" - "non-offending minor attracted person". They may fantasise about imaginary people, but will not look at pictures or videos of real life children or touch them inappropriately.
There is a very fine line with my tolerance and acceptance for paedophiles - they can't help what they are attracted to, but they sure as **** can avoid violating a child. Your husband CHOSE to repeatedly search out the abuse of children. That is unforgivable, OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): He has shamed your children, imagine how you feel when you read about other people who have done this kind of thing, you would be disgusted.
...............................
|
