A
female
age
51-59,
*an19
writes:Hi I'm looking for some advice I've never had to do this before. My question is how am I supposed to feel about my partner of 15 years was working on his laptop and stepped outside for a smoke I was unpacking shopping and on his screen was a picture of a woman bent over showing off her bum in a skimpy black dress up to her waist. I am really angry and when he came back in I said to him "I'm not impressed with that" he said "I know I know I was looking for something for you " of course I don't believe that and I told him so. I don't know how to feel about this am I over reacting I feel as if I'm not enough for him that he has to look at other women dressed with little on I'm so mad I don't want him to touch me now how will I deal with this. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): I find the difference there's a big between when men and women 'ogle' the opposite sex.Women tend to be discreet and take small glances at a handsome man and maybe daydream of romantic encounters with men their own age whereas men tend to peer and look up and down at girls even young enough to be their daughters and they often do this well into later life and even when they are with their wives who they have been with for 30 plus years . This is eveidenced by men in their 50 and even older who masterbate to twenty year old women in porn when in real life their wives sacrifices years with them and their bodies to give THEM children . They have zero respect for this and no appreciation for the body of a woman who has done this . Instead most men are caught in a time warp of lusting after women between. A certain age range with a certain look . It's extremely disrespectful to the real life women they are married to and no one can convince me that women are anything like this . We do not have magazines and billions dollar internet industries that focus purely on the VISUALS of young men's bodies . Men are obsessed with the superficial that's a fact . Sure there may be the odd man who's different but he's rare . Women need to be honest about this and not sugarcoat that either
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, however, it's most unfortunately what many, if not most men do from time to time.
Interestingly, when i spoke to 3 of my closest male colleagues, regarding online ogling or downloading of scantily clad females, they all admitted to me that most men actually do it in secret, when their female partner is totally unaware.
I did appreciate their honesty, however, i did find it somehow unnerving to think about.
If you wish to save your relationship, you need to express to your partner, that his behaviour makes you feel very unhappy and you now feel as though you can't trust him and you're not sure if you ever will be able to trust him.
If you've given up and don't care to go on, then you need to tell him this too and tell him why.
If he truly loves and respects you, he'll apologise with sincerity and change his ways, but if he isn't prepared to do this for you, then you know exactly where you stand and what little you mean to him.
He'd have to regain your trust fully, if things were to last between you both.
Do remember though, bad habits are hard to break and even harder if a man feels as though he's being pushed or pressured to do so.
I am about to say something here and this doesn't mean that i condone your partner's behaviour nor accept it, however, it's just as it is.
Men will always be men. Men love women. Even when a man is committed or married, there are times when he will notice another beautiful, attractive female and in some instances, he'll even be attracted to another female, even though he doesn't plan to do anything with that female.
It's all part of his own biology as a man, just as we women have our own unique biology too.
So long as he just looks and doesn't touch a real female, or download dirty and provocative images it's quite harmless.
Your partner did download provocative images unfortunately.
His behaviour, however bad it is, still doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't in love, nor attracted to you.
Now that you know, you obviously feel utterly disrespected, betrayed and hurt.
I believe he loves you and didn't mean to hurt you, but he's a guy and for many men, this is a normal part of a male's secret life, as my male friend put it.
Look at it from another perspective.
When you admire a good looking guy or when you've ever checked out a cute/sexy guy online or even spoken to a good looking guy, do you think about what your partner may be feeling, if he were to find out?
You look too and actually, most women look at and admire good looking guys.
Many women check out guys and yes, even online behind their partners backs too.
This is harmless and doesn't mean that we are going to betray our partners sexually.
Most women look at men, talk dirty about men, ogle men at times, yet we feel it's ok and we can get away with it, yet when men do it, it seems so wrong to us.
How do i know?
Because i have monthly get togethers with many of my gfs and their friends and yes, i do hear many of them talk "raunchy and/or dirty" regarding men.
I've also been in public places and dined out with ex's and my now husband and we've heard it too, to the point that my husband tells me, "you know, women think most men are sleazy and always look at women and talk about women, but most men who are happily committed would never talk like that when with their mates."
I regard my husband as a very intelligent man and he often tells me that he thinks women are much more aggressive in their discussions regarding the opposite sex.
I am certainly not sexist and i do stand by all women, because i'm a woman myself, but i'm also a realist and i speak the truth as i see it and i'll not sugarcoat my comments just to tell you what you want to hear.
Talk to your partner about all your feelings and see what he says.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (9 October 2017):
 I am sorry to hear that OP. Even though he has not physically cheated, he has emotionally which is still quite as hurtful. I hope you find the strength to tell him to leave.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2017): I'm so sorry OP, but I think you are making the right decision. Having been through something similar I know how hard it is and how much it hurts. He has betrayed your loyalty and trust, but you will heal and be better for it. You know you are worth more than the bs he has dished out on you.
Hugs and best to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, San19 +, writes (7 October 2017):
San19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies they have been most helpful there has been a very disturbing development from yesterday when I posted this. He went to kiss me goodnight and I declined he said what's wrong I said you know the image on your laptop he got very angry and shouted something then went to bed. I was unnerved by this and probably should not have went snooping on his laptop but I did and I cannot believe what I found. He has been messaging a woman on Facebook he told her he loved her, all types of things like things he said to me 15 years ago I think this woman is in a relationship also in one of her texts she said we have to stop you have Sandra even though we are not doing anything wrong I feel we should. So I feel he is making the moves on this woman I am heartbroken I really never ever thought he could betray me in this way I think even though no sex I still feel it's a betrayal and if she was willing he would go he makes this very clear to her. So folks I feel sick to my stomach I think I will confront him and ask him to leave. I cannot believe this is happening I would never be able to trust him ever again
...............................
A
female
reader, holeymoley +, writes (7 October 2017):
 Get hot buff dude for you screen saver. There really is no winning these kinds of arguments. Chances are when you think it's all done and dusted its only because they are more careful. I think if you are a little flexible things may not get too out of control. A look hear and there vs full blown hardcore porn in your face to the point you are replaced by some cyber sex substitute. I mean who, man or woman, likes to be told what they can or cant do. Maybe just set some boundaries and have a chat about what it is that worries you about it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2017): I'm really not a prude, but I don't think it's appropriate for anyone in a committed relationship to have scantily clad women/men on their screens, facebook likes, instagram, etc. I don't blame you for not wanting him to touch you. It's a big turn off for most women to see their partners ogling another woman. I have to admit I too would be very angry. It is true that men and women will look at an attractive person, but when our partner is actively looking for racy pics to leer at that's disrespectful. It doesn't necessarily mean you are not enough for him. It just means he's human. Talk with him and make it clear how it makes you feel. Tell him what a turn off that is for you. If you need to, keep an emotional distance from him for awhile. That may help you cool off a bit.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 October 2017):
The thing is men will look. It doesn't mean that he is not attracted to you or that you are not enough it is simple that the female body will be appreciated by men.
If you are uncomfortable then talk to him and ask him not to do this again. But you do need to try and let it go or it will ruin your relationship.
...............................
|
