A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I need to hear from men in their 50's and early 60's.My husband says he's just not as interested in sex as he used to be. I don't view mid-50's as old, so I'm having a hard time accepting this, especially since we had been sexual at least 5 times a week through our entire marriage. So I asked him to see a doctor. After months of gentle reminders, he did and the blood tests came back with normal levels of testosterone...there's nothing "wrong" so the male "pill" wouldn't make a difference. I'm not fat or homely, I've always worked and taken care of myself. We have a nice home and grown, self supporting children. When he wants to be "taken care of" I do...but "I don't get no satisfaction". Very hormonal a couple years ago, I stressed time and again how desperately I needed affection; not dirty talk, pinching, etc. but to feel love...like a random call to let me know he's thinking of me, conversation, hugs, loving touch, hold my hand for godsake, just once, spontaneity, etc...and all he ever did was accuse me of trying to "change" him; refusing to acknowledge or address the need I was expressing. That act played itself out again and again until I finally accepted I was never to get the attention I gave him (he admonished it anyway). If there's something on his mind he'll never say it, maybe he doesn't realize it, or won't admit it...but he doesn't think about how his actions or non-actions make me feel (like shit)...need I mention counseling was out of the question?I stopped taking initiative in bed after he yelled at, then lectured me for not knowing when to keep my hands off. That's when the passion I used to feel died.Are there any priests or clergy reading this that can tell me if it's wrong to be with another man if your husband (of decades) doesn't get it or just doesn't do it for you anymore? I've never strayed in our marriage, but I don't know how long I can go on like this. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 May 2010):
 Oh my. Five times a week?? Wow.
In an odd way it's nice to be answering the other side of the question for a change -- so many of us older guys are pining the demise of our sex lives because our wives aren't interested. But let me take a swing at this one.
One thing that I've found is that after 25 years, everything that's going to happen in the bedroom is predictable. There are a couple or three different routines. Sometimes it works, occasionally it's really good, but it's often rather dull. Pleasant but passionless. That's tolerable if it's only happening every week or two, but more often than that? I don't see it. That may be part of your husband's problem.
And of course the plumbing just isn't as good as it used to be, and some men find that a horrible blow that hits right to the core. Avoiding sex means they don't have to confront it.
That aside, in your husband's case it sounds like there's more to it than just the bedroom. The fact that he doesn't want to give you a hug or hold your hand suggests that he's withdrawn emotionally. That may just be what's normal for him as he ages, or it may be an indicator of some other unhappiness. Are you sure that he couldn't be made to accept counselling on his terms?
I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's not what you signed up for -- to feel lonely within your marriage.
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