A
female
age
36-40,
*emony
writes:I just want some opinions regarding how someone I know feels about me, if you were to receive this email, what would YOU think, its not the full email, just a part of it which I received today. I've known them for a long time and it is starting to make me uncomfortable. He always tries to touch me (not in an overlly sexual way) and is always trying to hold my hand, kisses on lips and I always catch him staring at me."I really wanted you to stay another night at least, and almost got out of the car and came after you, in fact i had the door half open at one stage.But thank you for making me more happy than i have been in many years, at least for one nightAll my love now and always"FYI - I just stayed over at the house, nothing of a sexual nature actually happenedThanks everyone Reply to this Question
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male
reader, heartt breakk  +, writes (8 July 2010):
 simple fundas miss,do what u want,if u think him as a friend , meet him, if he can't harm u in any way,else forget him,
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Oh boy, it sounds like he is using the "guilt trip" technique. I can understand why you are feeling guilty and bad after that message he sent. But really, he is a grown man, and is capable of dealing with his own emotions. If he really has nothing else in his life apart from you, that is his problem, and NOT yours. It is not your responsibility.
That last e-mail he sent you, the things he said reminds me a lot of a man I used to know. He was very manipulative at times, and I think that is what your uncle is doing - trying to manipulate you by playing on your emotions. Trying to make you feel sorry for him. Trying to make you feel bad so that you will contact him again and say everything is alright.
I would advise that you don't contact him, and continue to ignore him. If he persists with the messages though, then maybe you could send him a message telling him very clearly that you do not wish to have further contact with him, and you want him to leave you alone. Keep it short and simple.
But if he carries on, or you start to feel like you cannot handle it anymore, then I really do recommend that you tell someone. I can understand you not wanting to cause any problems, but I think people would rather know and help you than for you to struggle with this by yourself. And eventually, it might reach a point where it has to be made known anyway.
I know this is really difficult, and a horrible situation to be in. But please believe me when I say you have nothing to feel bad about. One day you will be able to look back at this and see that you were not responsible for his feelings or actions in any way, although that must seem unbelievable right now. So try not to be hard on yourself. x
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A
male
reader, bruce lee  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 I think he needs help. He should see a Psychiatrist maybe. But only he can make that decision. No-one can force him to.
You might also need to speak to an expert about the whole thing. Mmmmm...All these thoughts inside your head will not just go away by themself. You urgently need to speak to someone about it.
Asking for help over the internet is not the way to go.
You could walk out into the woods, or the forest, and yell at a tree. Scream at the top of your voice "Would my uncle just go away?!"
I don't know what to say. This is a complicated situation.
Anyway, ring your uncle and tell him to just disappear for a while. Hint that you're not sexually interested in him.
Hope that helps. Enjoy the rest of the day. And remember, justice will prevail. The good people eventually come out on top. I hope.
And tell him not to use words like "love". Ask him to use the word "like".
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A
female
reader, Lemony +, writes (6 July 2010):
Lemony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone, I hope you wonderful people are all ok, if not *hug*
I've been ignoring him still, still not trying to think about it but everyone around me knows SOMETHING is up, I'm not very good at hiding my emotions! He kept on trying to speak to me on MSN so I blocked him in the end, I've never had to do that to someone before, and I hate that I've done it. I picked up an email from him this morning which is now making me feel really crappy and guilty about ignoring him. I never ignore people but I just have no idea what to say to him, not a clue :/
Email he sent last night:
"i know that i have upset you greatly, and i dont know what to say or do to put things right, you know that it is the last thng that i would ever want to do. please dont hate me. i dont want to lose you, although i think that i have. im not sure exactly wheer it went wrong, but something changed when u woke on satday. if i could rewind the clock and start over, i would. you know that i love you more than anything. i will understand if you dont want to see me any more or hear from me, although i wont be happy and never will be now that i have killed the only thing that i had good in my life. i hopoe that you can forgive me sometime.
i will always be here for you if ever you wish to contact me again, i will always be hoping and waiting for you to call.
as usual i destroy everything thats good.
love you now and always"
I dont get, I just dont get it. Does he REALLY not see that his actions on friday night made it painfully obvious to me that he doesn't just see me as his neice, and by me going so abruptly on the saturday shows that I want nothing to do with him. He knows that when I can't deal with things I shut it out, and that if I'm pushed too far I can do some stupid things.
I'm kicking myself at the moment, he's obviously really hurt (or he knows what he's saying and trying to guilt me into talking to him) and I'm trying to figure out if I had led him on at all. I mean yeah, I see him more than other family memebers, but thats only because he's in my area quite a lot, we would meet up for maybe 2 hours in a pub, have a few drinks, chat about whats been going on and then I'd go. He'd always want me to stay longer but my BF doesn't like me staying out too late so I always go. When the family is all together, I'm the same with him as I am with everyone else.
Any thoughts?
As always, thank you, actually being able to talk it out is really helping as I dont really have anyone to turn to and I dont think I could speak to someone I actually KNOW about it. xxx
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 July 2010):
 Even if he is only a few years older than you...it's still illegal. You need to go carefully and just avoid him and his advances. If you reciprocate in any way, you could also be held accountable and as I said before...prosecution carries a jail sentence.
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A
female
reader, Lemony +, writes (5 July 2010):
Lemony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks guys, work was a bit busy or I would have replied to you all earlier!Bit of background on the family! My mum was adopted when she was a baby, she made contact with her real mum about 17/18 years ago, and we met the rest of the family about 15 years ago. She has 3 half sisters and 2 half brothers, all of whom are married with kids. It is a rather large native english family, and the fact they all welcomed us in was amazing (my nan was only 15 when she had my mum, so they are all a lot younger than us) and it makes my mum so happy. My dad does not speak to his family at all (very messy, CBA to explain and kinda pointless!) and again he loves the closeness of them all. My uncle who I am talking about is only staying with my aunt until their son leaves school to go to the army, apparently their marrige has been having problems for a long time. My mum is close to him too, more so recently as her marrige is also coming to an end (if my dad gets the balls to speak to her directly instead of going through me and my sister) but she knows everything anyway.Me and my uncle always got on well, more so as I got older but I always assumed it was because I was older and we could do things like go to the pub etc, we used to stay up late whenever we had family gatherings and just talk for hours and hours. Over the past year or so, some of the things he said did make me think, eh, what, but I never really gave much thought to it (more fool me) I can be a very naive person, and only ever want to see the best in people and it's only after the friday night when I stayed over there that I've actually REALLY thought back over the past year, and now I just feel stupid for not seeing the signs earlier. I just NEVER thought something like this would happen, not to me, not with my family and it makes me feel sick and ashamed. I had a really bad experiance with a guy about 9 years ago (it was almost to the day too, how screwy is that) and this feels worse even though nothing physical actually happened. I'm so glad I got of of the house when I did, I dont even want to begin thinking about it, I really couldn't cope if I could! I'm not that good at handling stuff like this, I'm not looking for pity or anything, but I do get really depressed sometimes, I know when I'm starting to get bad so I start up my councelling again and if my doctor feels I need to, I go back on my meds again. I dont want to go back to all that again, I was just getting back on my feet and this happens. The thing that really hurts though, is he KNOWS all this, he knows pretty much everything about me, this is someone who I trusted with everything, and now I have this....mess to try and sort out :(Ehhhh, sorry for moaning on, kinda couldn't stop once I started!! Thanks everyoneM
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 July 2010):
Lemony darling...this isn't your fault that he is being innapropriate and I agree you should stay out of his way. Do not let it drag you down, you seem to have enough to cope with.
I can understand you not wanting to go to the police but if, after you have ignored him, he becomes forceful or threatening, then you must tell someone in your family. I am wondering if you come from the Asian community as I know family things can be particularly difficult to overcome? Save the text messages, especially any that are lurid or threatening...these are your evidence if things become nasty.
It's not your fault it happened...he is just taking advantage and now you feel betrayed.
Big hug for you and let us know what happens.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): can i ask, how is this guy your uncle ?. i mean, is he the brother of your mother or your father, or is he your uncle because his wife is the sister of your mother or your father ?. i ask because, it isn't incest if he isn't related to you and one of your parents, but obviously, it is incest if he is related, and it would be wrong for you to have a relationship with him . not saying you want to have a relationship with him, but maybe he is attracted to you, and you need to be careful.
If he is the brother of one of your parents, that is really sick !. i mean, think about it. he grew up with one of your parents, and you are their child.
i'd like to know that first before i give any advice, as, if he isn't related to you, it isn't as bad if he is attracted to you, although, it does make me feel sorry for your aunty . is he even married, by the way ?. i just assume that he is ?.
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A
female
reader, jvjvjvjv +, writes (5 July 2010):
When I replied earlier your recent update about this being your uncle had not yet gone through the moderator and I couldn't be entirely sure that you didn't reciprocate in the feeling... But, erm, this does change things quite a lot!
I am not surprised it makes you feel uncomfortable, it sounds quite creepy actually. He evidently is interested in you from you but he should be aware he is treading dangerous ground. Is there anyone in your family you could speak to? Sometimes however, for family harmony or whatever reason, you may feel it's better to walk away and distance yourself from this person.
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female
reader, Lemony +, writes (5 July 2010):
Lemony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks :) I've been having a pretty crappy time in my life at the moment, family falling apart, relationship coming to an end, and he has always been someone I can turn to. Since he started a new job, he has been in my city on buiness every month or so. We have a close family, and he's always been a bit more affectionate to me than to others, but he always said I'm his favourite niece. I went up to visit on on friday after work, was supposed to stay until sunday, but after how he was on friday night towards me I just had to get away and leave, I felt so hurt and totally betrayed. He was always someone I knew I could turn to and in someways I've always thought of him as more than a dad than my own one is. I could NEVER tell anyone in my family about this, as I said, we are all so close and it would just utterly destroy them all.
Aunty Em - I can totally and utterly assure you that I am NOT ok with the attention, but I couldn't go to the police, not yet anyway. I'm just going to try and stay out of his way, I've not replied to his emails, I dont answer the phone to him or reply back through text/MSN. I guess I just wanted to talk it out with someone. It just really really sucks, as soon as I think I've got my head around the other sh*t thats going on, this comes out of no-where and justs rips my soul to shreds :/
Thanks everyone
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 July 2010):
Whatever the motives, reasonings or feelings that either of you have, any sexual or emotive relationship that goes beyond the normal neice/uncle dynamic is incest.
Incest in the UK is illegal under the Sexual Offences act 2003. It carries a maximum sentence of 14 years imprisonment. It covers all close familiy members including neices/nephews aunts and uncles.
Any attempt by an older relative to 'groom' a younger relative or minor with words, or actions is illegal, although anything other than actual physical intercourse is hard to prove.
If your ok with his 'attentions' then I suggest you speak to a psychologist or a counsellor about why you feel this is wanted or needed in your life. If your Not ok with his attentions then you need to speak to the police.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): If I were to receive that e-mail, I would assume that this man is interested in me in a relationship kind of way. And going by how you say he tries to touch you, kisses you and stares at you, that would definitely confirm it for me.
If you are uncomfortable with this, then I think it might be best to stay away from him. He clearly thinks you two have something going on between you, and if you don't want him to have that impression, I think you will need to keep some distance from him.
You say he is your uncle. Is there any reason why you have to spend so much time with him? Or do you just enjoy spending time with him? Whatever the reason, things are clearly starting to make you uncomfortable, so it may be time to take a step back. If he pesters you, or if you feel unsafe, it might also be worth telling someone you trust about what is happening. In the meantime, be careful around him, and be firm by saying "no" or "stop" if you are not comfortable with something he is doing or tries to do. Then, if possible, try to remove yourself from the situation. Take care. x
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female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (5 July 2010):
i would be really freaked out and would tell someone straight away this sounds so inappropriate especially if he is related to you
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male
reader, justadvise +, writes (5 July 2010):
Uh...what is there to think about? The man wants to have sex with you. That's a creepy but i'm sure you already know that.
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female
reader, GSDfan  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 Is your uncle married? Sorry but to me it sounds like he has a thing for you.
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female
reader, Hamilton2010  +, writes (5 July 2010):
His email is highly inappropriate from an uncle to his niece. Unless you are planning to have an affair with your uncle, you need to talk about his email to your aunt or your parents and don't be alone with your uncle anymore.
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A
male
reader, bruce lee +, writes (5 July 2010):
I think you should send him an email back, telling him to keep away. He sounds like a vile creep.
Steer clear of him for a few months.
I have an uncle who falsely accused me of being gay a few months ago, so I left a message on his phone telling him to get lost.
He might need to see a prostitute if he has psychological problems.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): OK it does seem that he has got feelings for you, and it may have been sexual if you did stay another night, I don't know for sure, but if he's you uncle maybe you should tell him to stop it. Also maybe if you stay clear for a while you can see what game he's playing at.
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female
reader, jvjvjvjv +, writes (5 July 2010):
I'd say it's quite obvious that this person is madly in love with you but is afraid of telling you in person. If that idea makes you feel uncomfortable, I'd have a gentle conversation with him about it sooner rather than later...
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female
reader, Lemony +, writes (5 July 2010):
Lemony is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust realised I left out a pretty important fact about the whole entire thing (silly me, but I'm not with at at the moment) The man is my uncle.
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