A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend has been on birth control for over two years and takes it exactly on time, every day, religiously. She has been tested several times and is 100% clean of diseases.I am also 100% clean of diseases because she is my first and only sexual partner. She insists I wear a condom every time we have sex even though she takes birth control religiously. When she first went on birth control, she let her BF at the time cum inside her for the first few months of their relationship. This bothers me A LOT!I have known her for over four years, we have been dating for a year and a half, are currently living together and very much in love. She barely knew this other guy at the time - they just started dating - and he never in their relationship said he loved her, he never met her friends or family, and ended up dumping her suddenly.This is what bothers me the most. I am so much more committed to her and she refuses to allow us to experience this level of intimacy, they way she did with a virtual stranger at the time.If she wasn't on birth control this wouldn't be an issue, I of course believe in safe sex, but especially in the way she takes BC it is nearly 100% effective. my friend's GFs on birth control don't have their BF's wear condoms and never have a problem.girls: what do you think of this? is she being ridiculous? am i being ridiculous?guys: can you relate at all? if you were in my position, would you be jealous of this guy? would red flags go up if she made you wear one?what can i tell her about this and how i am feeling?thanks ahead!
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male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (4 February 2009):
Who knows what feelings linger inside a man (or woman's brain). Sex is a strange and intimate thing the idea of another man having sperm inside of her is clearly bothering you - and it continues to bother you. In the past my girlfriend was unfaithful to me - and then begged me to take her back. Yes, it bothered me for a long time that some other man was poking their dick into my woman. It really bothered me - even though we went on and continued to date for another 2 years. A lot of things involving love and sex are not rational. If it really bothers you as much as say it does, then it is up to you to take positive action. No amount of advise you are going to hear in this forum is going to help you. We all live with our own thoughts - be they fantasy or perversion.It's your brain, and you are the only one who can settle this. You have three options: 1)Tell yourself a lot of women have the ghost of sperm from other men in their uterus, and it is no big deal, 2)Give the girl an ultimatum.. sex without condom or you are out the door, or 3)Stop beating yourself up about this and find a new girlfriend. Simple, right? What are you a man or a mouse!
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 February 2009):
 Amen SatinDesire. yeah, I really feel like it's a legit request for her to make of you. Maybe she really regretted not making her last boyfriend wear a condom. Maybe something happened to a friend or she got more educated or she got nervous about STI's (regardless of whether or not she actually had one, thinking you might is scary enough). Whatever the reason, she got smarter this time. Don't take it personally.
I understand WHY you're bothered, but I'm telling you not to be. Don't take things to personally. Instead, look at things differently - you can really respect your girlfriend for wanting to take care of herself AND you by not taking chances on getting pregnant.
I still think you can check out alternative birth controls. Set up an appointment!
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfirst of all, i think some of you are misreading what i write.
specifically: the festering inside comment. i wrote that it is the IDEA festering inside of ME. not my cum festering inside of her. the IDEA that someone else has cummed inside her is festering in ME. get it? good.
furthermore, i think most here are blowing my question out of proportion. i don't blame you entirely though. it's a sensitive issue and if you knew me you wouldn't be saying such things. but people, please read every word i write and think about it before responding.
it is not an issue of disease, it is not an issue of her "not being into me", and so on.
my issue is simple: her prior boyfriend went condomless, i am not allowed to.
is there not one guy, who if in my place, can say that wouldn't bother them even just a bit?
is there no girl who can understand my point, even just a little bit???
granted, some responders seem to understand where i am coming from. thank you.
i'm not an idiot. i understand before i even posted that the root of this is nothing secret and probably simply boils down to her being young and afraid to speak up (with the prior bf) and her being comfortable enough with me to request a condom, because of course for fear of getting pregnant.
once in a while though the thought about her ex comes to mind, and i get discouraged/upset. come on guys, can you blame me? she let a guy she just met cum inside her for months and not me, even after a year and a half of a loving relationship. and we live together!
i was really looking for stories from people who are/have been in similar situations, or general opinions on using birth control AND condoms. i was NOT looking for people who don't know me misunderstand my tone and accuse me of things and call me names.
thanks to those who were helpful, not to those who jumped to conclusions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): I think you're girlfriend is just trying to be safe but I see where you are coming from. The way I see it, you want to take your relationship to the next level but maybe she is not ready yet. She might really want to bubt might be scared. Talk to her about it. Don't accuse her, its not going to help. Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): you are being ridiculous, GET A GRIP
she just doesn't want to get pregnant!
i have an iud but i make my bf wear a condom AND pull out! he complains but i tell him to shut up because if i got pregnant, however much he argues the contary, it wud mainly be my life long responsibility i.e MY YOUTH RUINED, not his. and yes, we are in love, but i think being parents at such a young age (i'm 20, he's 18) would kill the romance somewhat.
and u refer to cuming inside her as 'festering inside her'...i personally think uve got issues mate...
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 Am I being ridiculous? Short answer - Yes Long answer - **cking Yes. So she made a mistake a realised how stupid she was and now that she is being careful by being on the pill she's being extra careful.. you start on about how high and mighty and great of a human being you are like you Deserve it?Who the hell do you think you are? You sound like some posessive/demented creature from a 1970's horror movie who has found the hot chick and run off with her to have her all to yourself.Here's an idea... Have a vascetomy!
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (30 January 2009):
I don't see why you can't discuss a different secondary form of birth control. There are plenty of alternatives to condoms if all she is worried about is pregnancy. I completely agree with all the other posters - it could be a disease scare and you'll get that confirmed if she's not comfortable with say, spermicide or an IUD.
Don't be too pushy, but I don't see why you can't talk about alternate choices in birth control if both of you have been checked for STI's and have been diagnosed as 100% clean. Being safe is ALWAYS the best choice, but there are lots of different ways of doubling up.
Check out: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control-4211.htm for info on different forms of BC,
Good luck and stay safe!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I think she is being ridiculous. Yes, you should respect that she is probably very scared of getting pregnant, maybe scared that you might sleep with someone else and pass it on to you, but she is a little too protective about it.
I am completely against taking pills for birth control. You might explain to her some of the physical problems they can cause, but it sounds like you want to not wear a condom now and then.
Maybe explain the intimacy part to her. She might not look at it that way.
Also, you might find out what exactly she is scared of. If it's pregnancy, discuss the cycle with her, and tell her that is she does get pregnant, that you would look at that as a .01% miracle. Let her know that you would marry her if anything happened.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): There's nothing wrong with using more than one method of birth control to be on the safe side. The reasons why she insists on this with you and not past partners is a question only she can answer. Maybe she had a scare with pregnancy and/or a disease. Maybe she was more irresponsible in the past. Maybe she's not into you enough to take any risk with a pregnancy. There is a certain level of intimacy that is lost with a condom. I can understand why you might question that. You can ask her about it but you may not get an honest answer.
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A
male
reader, Leonardo +, writes (30 January 2009):
I personally don't like condoms for many reasons. I know women who use IUDs (Inter-uterine devises)and they love 'em. It is not changing the chemical balance in a woman's body. If she wants to "double up"... which is understandable, you should consider something like that. There is also a uterine diaphram with anti-sperm foam as an alternative. As Cerberus said she may have had a venereal disease. This fits the pattern of tests and it makes sense. However as a result then she has an irrational phobia of contracting something new after 4 years with you and all these tests.The final possible explanation is she contracted a disease that is in remission, but can never be 100% cured. Chronic hepatitis, some forms of syphilis, and HIV can fall into this category. There may be something she is not telling you - and the condom is for YOUR safety.Bottom line: You need a heart-to-heart talk with her because it is bothering you... and you may want to know the real answer before you walk down the aisle.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the responses.she did not catch anything from this guy. she had a one night stand after he broke up with her and for a little while after that got tested several times. plus, i know it's not about getting a disease, because she knows i am 100% clean.i know i shouldn't get hung up on her past but i can't help it, especially with this particular issue. i have to listen to my friend AND his GF both tell me how great sex is without condoms and how silly it was wearing them before she went on birth control, and then on top of that have the idea of someone else cuming inside my sweet girlfriend and not me festering inside - it just sucks.i have tried talking to her about it but i really just want to be clear with her once and for all how this makes me feel. is that a bad idea?it's easy for people to say forget about her past but put yourself in my place. it kills me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): no she is not being ridiculous! There may have been a pregnancy or disease scare she hasn't told you about. Or she may have realized after the other guy dumped her that true love doesn't always last and she doesn't want to get stuck raising a child on her own. She may have just grown up and decided to be smarter. Wether or not you let a guy cum inside you has nothing to do with if or how much she loves you. Be happy shes having sex with you at all and support her. If something were to happen like pregnancy the majority of the responsability will fall on her. You could just walk away. She can not! No man should EVER tell a woman not to use enough birth control! My cousin used birth contol pills for a year and a half exactly the way you should and got pregnant. It says right on the package of pills there is like a 3% chance of complete failure no matter how diligent you are. Grow up and stop being jealous of something in the past you can't change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): I can't relate to be honest, all the girl's I've been with that took birth control, did so we didn't have to use condoms anymore.
There is a possibility she caught something off this guy, that she had treated and is now gone, that would explain why she's reluctant to make that same mistake again. Would also explain why she's had so many tests.
I don't blame you for being jealous of this guy, but if it is for the above reason then I'm sure you can understand her caution and understand why she'd be reluctant to tell you.
I advise you not to get hung up on her past relationships, comparing yourself to ex's is never a good idea and what she did or did not do with him has no real bearing on her feelings for you. She probably just wants to protect you and that's a good thing.
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