A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is going to sound really really bad, but I really need some advice.I go to college and the other week Ii had a one night stand with this guy. I always thought he was good looking, but never really liked him, but I was really really drunk and it just happened. Before this I had never had a one night stand so I don't really know how to respond to this, and I started to get feelings for him, however it is quite clear that he is a one night stand kinda guy and he is not interested in me as he doesn't really talk to me around college and doesn't respond to my texts ect. Also my ex boyfriend saw me and this guy kiss that night and completely flipped (he also goes to the same college as me) so it has caused some tension around college as them too were kinda friends before (not close but they did talk) (oh and my ex still likes me ) so the other night I was out again and very very drunk! (even more then before!) and slutty as it was had another one night stand with one of that guys friends! I feel so stupid and dirty! I also really don't want that guy to find out, (even though he doesn't like me so it's not gunna change anything) I just feel so confused, I wish that I had never gotten with the first guy in the first place cause then Ii would have never gotten feelings for him and I would be happy again.. (the guy is also a complete dog to girls!)
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (7 April 2009):
 I know where you are coming from. Having said that I doubt many friends would stop you from having a one night stand. Even while you are both still at the club and you ask your friend if she thinks you should or not; chances are most girls would just say "If you want to". Believe me most girls would just leave you to it. This only leaves a moment for you to make your mind up. That's probably because between friends, girls can fall out over the "don't you tell me what to do" thing.
This boils down to you (or anybody) having the clarity of thought to make a split second decision, do you go back with him, or does he come back to yours or NOT on that occasion. The reasons why or why not can seem random but it must feel right to you at the time, and if it doesn't then don't bother. This is why we have been saying not to drink too much. If you have only had a couple of drinks, you are sure of what you want, whereas even just one more drink, does change things somewhat. If you are not drunk you can base your decision on what you want and what feels right. That way you are less shocked about your actions if you do sleep with a guy.
It is also easily possible for one girl to have a one night stand and not the other on the same night. Why would going home without the guy be letting your friend down? To all intents and purposes it's your business and perhaps people just egg eachother on in a candid way rather than being that bothered what others are doing.
This starts the other issue, do you feel uncomfortable hanging out together and think that she cannot go out without pulling and that it's all about lads and nothing else. Do you think that if you both are out, it's an inevitability you'll have a one night stand, but with other girls it's different? Do you feel that being out together, is getting into things or compromising situations that you would rather not be in? There is more peer pressure about sex than anything else.
I wonder why she fell out with this other girl. Was it because the other friend didn't want all this? Did they both end up going back with 2 lads because both the girls knew eachother and both the lads knew eachother? There are numerous possibilities of awkwardness and regret along these lines if it wasn't what the other girl wanted either.
I am not saying do or don't have one night stands. There are numerous factors that make up our minds on these issues. It's just that you need to be really sure it's what you want first and for one person it's a big no no, and yet a couple of years later she does given a different time and place and guy.
Just don't fall out over guys, that's not worth it either.
Fiona.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey,well actaully funny u mentioned my freind, She knows what ive done with both of the guys,On the first night she just went home and didnt know that i was going back to his house,However on the second time, she also had a one night stand with a guy she knew..i wnet back to the second guys house and she went back to his,Its funny, tho because she actually txt me while at that guys house, saying u better do it! and i was just soo drunk i was like yer!Shes not really that bad, well she never used to be, but she never really stops me from doing stupid things:| and like i said before the only reason i even stayed out was becuase i didnt want to let her down..i really just wanted to go home, to bed becuase i was feeling so crap after the first guy.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (7 April 2009):
I just thought of something. Did you or are you going to confide in your friend that you went clubbing with? I don't mean in a way to fall out over. I mean about these two guys, and the issues you mentioned here. This is especially as you were out on a night out together when you ended up ... I don't know if your friend is in the habit of one night stands, and perhaps that sort of put you in this position if that was what she was doing?
Take care
Fiona.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 April 2009):
Glad to hear about the condoms and that you are going to stop drinking.
When you see him just act as though he's someone you know.
Smile if he makes eye contact and keep walking.
You are going to get over him since you know he's an idiot so so just try and keep cool and act like you don't care.
As for what people think, well hopefully it won't get out too much but hold your head high and carry on and they will find someone else to gossip about.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (5 April 2009):
Phew I am glad you were safe. It's true alcohol does make you want sex ha-ha. I would just put this down to experience and forget it. Focus on your studies and your female friends and put all 3 of them out of your mind. Why not socialise in a different environment for a bit? eg cinema, meals out etc? At night clubs there are so many opportunities for sex, which is one thing if you know what you are doing, people don't know eachother and it doesn't get complex in that way. Then again there is something where us girls are thought of as a "slut" if we make a habit of it isn't there. But I doubt people would think that unless you make a habit of it, just be sure you have a break before you have sex again. Perhaps later in the year, summer or something.
Fiona.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey, firstly i did use a condom both times THANK god, and if i wasnt drunk i would of not had a one night stand with the second guy, with him i was very very drunk and he seemd like a really nice guy ( i no him as a freind to an extent) and i just really wanted some attention from a nice guy!With the first guy, i didnt even know that he was such a dog untill after the one night stand. Before it, all i heard was good stuff about him (like i said he goes to the same college as me) but as soon as i had the one night stand, i found out all these stroies about him and how hes such a dog. Ur right, i think the main problem is that they all know each other! i just dont want it all comming out and everybody thinking that im a complete slut..i also dont want the first guy to find out..even though i know hes not interested.Maybe its because i was with my x for a year and a half, and yer he did hurt me, and being single is just soo weird for me that i dont quite no how to act, also im not really not a drinker or clubber so i dont no why ive been so persistent on doing these things recently..I also dont even like going out clubbin, its just my freind really like going and shes jsut fallen out with the girl who she would always go out before and i feel like i have to go with her (which is stupid i know) I just dont know how to act around college, when i see the first guy i dont know how to act, because i feel like i do like him. I am also going so stop drinking !!!!
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (5 April 2009):
Emily summed up what I was trying to say well when I was saying don't confuse one with the other etc. Physical connection/lust is very different from the feelings when you really like somebody. Indeed perhaps if you were not so drunk, would you have slept with the second guy? By the way I doubt either of them agonised about all this in the way you have. There are many lads who want it "there and then" and won't carry a condom so I hope you were safe. It's easy to forget to use a condom at the best of times, never mind if you are drunk and things happen quicker than you expect.
Fiona.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (5 April 2009):
I am not sure what the circumstances surrounding your break up from your ex were, but were you quite hurt? Is there are part of you or him that wants to get back together and that's why your ex went mad? As I don't know the situation, only you know if it's possible or even the thing to do, to get back to gether or not.
To put things into perspective, I would say most of us have had a one night stand or two at some point. Some people have a phase of it having been hurt because you are not ready to have a relationship again. You said that this first guy is a dog to girls and is a one night stand type of guy, so I expect he has been hurt at some point too and doesn't want the hastle of dating at the minute.
In terms of how to respond, I would take the hint if he doesn't reply to your texts and don't text him again. You knew that it wouldn't go anywhere, so there is no point in wanting it to out of curiosity of what would happen if you did get together etc. There is obviously a part of you that found sleaping with "a rogue" a turn on and that's why you had the one night stand because you were attracted to the "bad guy". That's fine in that respect but it's important to distinguish between somebody you lust for as a one night stand and somebody you fancy as a boyfriend. The only way that feelings don't get mixed up is that a one night stand is a completely different sort of guy to the type of guy you would date so it's important to distinguish between the two and not confuse one for the other. It sounds like you are doing that and wondering if he's boyfriend material even though you know he isn't or isn't your type.
As for the second one night stand, why did you do that? To prove to yourself that you didn't regret doing a one night stand? to prove you can handle it? that it isn't all bad? as loads of others do this anyway etc? Why was it his mate? To get back at him (or at least thinking like that to yourself)? Don't forget there is nothing to get back at the first one night stand guy for because you knew what the situation was anyway.
One thing I would say is that your problems arise because you are playing close to home and that people know eachother and see eachother around on an everyday basis.
I hope you see where I am coming from in trying to clear up the confusion in a polite way rather than being critical.
Fiona.
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (5 April 2009):
 OK when you go out you really need to drink less, if you loose you inhibitions when you are drunk and regret it the following morning, it is time to think if going binge drinking is a good idea!
Also go and get an STI and pregnancy test done, as, if you are too drunk to say NO you are probably too drunk to use a condom and any guy that takes advantage of the pissed girl that always puts out won't care about wearing a condom.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 April 2009):
Hun, you have to be pretty strong in your own mind to have one night stands and from what you say, I don't think you are there yet.
The first thing you need to do is STOP DRINKING! I know it's rubbish but just give it up for a few weeks till this all dies down.
Next, think about all the things that this guy you like does WRONG and how bad he is and get over him. You know deep down that you are just in love with that thrill you felt when you had a feeling free bit of sex. It's not him, it's just a feeling that you have connected with him.
Let this all blow over, think about some other guys off the TV, do whatever you need to get your mind of this jerk, and then learn to drink SENSIBLY and figure out when you have had too much.
Good Luck!! xx
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