A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband is so painfully shy and lacks confidence! I do not know how to help him and he himself feels very frustrated and gets quite down about it. I have a social life and do try to include him in nights out with my friends etc. But when he comes out with me, he rarely makes an effort to speak to anyone! He just sits in a corner either on his own or talking to me. And of course if we are out with others I can not sit just with him all night and not talk to anyone else. And before anyone starts criticising me, I do NOT pressure him to go out. Alot of times when I want to go out, I go out on my own if I want to do social things or catch up with friends as I know how uncomfortable it makes him. Of course we do "coupley things" like going to dinner, movies, museums, picnics etc with just us two. But I do have friends outside of our relationship and I think it is healthy if he had friends too (he has none) so whenever I do invite him out with me (and he does want to come believe me!) its so awkard and uncomfortable for him, he just wants to leave after about 30mins! IT doesnt matter where we go, who we are with etc, once we are in a "social" environment, he gets so shy and lacks confidence! I mean even last friday it was just both of us having a drink somewhere, and still it is the same! He can barely speak to anyone or relax or whatever.I do not understand his reason for being this shy with no confidence, he is 6ft 4, great body, very attractive-everyone says he looks like Tom Welling from Smallville and he is one of the nicest guys with a biggest heart. He is so shy that even though he had lots and lots of girls literally chasing him, I was actually his first gf at 24-and the only reason that worked is because I was so forward when we met lol! When we first started dating for the first 3mths he would just sit there and was too shy to even speak to me!He keeps telling me how he gets upset and down that he is this shy and cant "function" socially. Sometimes he gets cross with himself. I dont know how to help him! Sometimes I think perhaps he can do small excercises to practice. His sister suffered from the same shyness and she got over it as she made herself get a job in a situation where she HAD to speak to strangers all the time and she said when she was out she would force herself to speak to ppl or smile with someone if they were in a queue in the supermarket or something etc. Most people in his family are this way though - like his uncle took a whole year to build up the courage to speak to me even though I visited them every weekend!Anyway I really do not know how to help him or any advice, tips, or even excercises people can give us to try! I am not forcing him and it is him that keeps going on about how he wants to become more confident and socially "functionable".PS Please DONT suggest counselling - there is NOTHING wrong with him! If anything it may even be genetic seeing as so many ppl in his family are this way. So if you are tempted to tell us to seek counselling I would prefer not to get a response at all than counselling-rated advice! He is just someone shy so just really need practical tips on how we can build on overcoming this shyness! ANy tips much welcome! x
View related questions:
confidence, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic  +, writes (26 September 2008):
 Re: Mr. Anonymous - you are right. She should not talk to or prepare her friends to talk to him, that would not be appropriate. I was wrong on that piece of advice I gave. Please forgive, but I do agree with everything else I said. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Re Hopeful Romantic
What ever you do don't talk/prepare friends for accounting for his shyness or you'll be talking DIVORCE if he finds out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): There is a web site which is suppose to help shy people out by slowly building up your self confidence, instead of dropping you straight in the deep end. It gives you a weekly or daily mission, which normally requires some kind of interaction with other people. https://www.shynesscurve.com/curve/index.asp
I know how tough it can be when your very shy, normally after a couple of pints i'm fine and can talk to anyone lol. Having to serve customers at work helped me a lot, I hated it at first, but now i'm ok with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Hopeful Romantic +, writes (25 September 2008):
I am not sure if I have your solution, but I will give you my story. First of all, what his sister did, is basically similar to what he needs to do. (question - does he open up more if he's intoxicated or does he drink at all?)
I grew up a very shy, SHY girl. I was not around kids my own age growing up & I didn't start making ANY friends until the 5th grade. Then, the summer after 6th grade, I went to a youth camp where I knew nobody and was forced to talk to strangers. That lasted a week & I can't tell you the amount of confidence that was in me after that week. A couple years later, I went to another camp and it helped even more.
I know your husband is too old to go to camp, but if there were a way or if there were some type of event that he had to go to alone without you... an event that would force him to talk to others - I am sure it would help.
To this day, there are times when my boyfriend tells me that I am (still) not sociable enough when around his friends. I just don't always know what to say... if they're talking about making films and things that I do not understand, then what is there for me to talk about? BUT when one of his friends or the group includes me, by asking me questions here and there - I find that I get much more comfortable & find myself talking more.
So, maybe the next time you guys go out w/ your friends, you can have a pre-discussion w/ a couple of your closest friends & let them know your plan of everyone including him in conversation & I am sure he'll start to open up (more at least).
I am not sure where you guys go out to when you do go out, maybe also try going to an environemnt that he's comfortable with... if he likes bowling, plan your next outing at the bowling arena - or if he likes car racing - plan your next outing there... see what I mean?
If he's comfortable and included, he should open up more.
I hope this helps - at least a little. Good luck - he is very lucky to have you! :)
PS - I was friends with a guy in college that was EXTRA SHY, but he did seem to open up when I included him in conversations & such.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): At parties suggest games like charades, board games where an answer or action is required to participate. This will break the ice and get people talking to him, he is probably not good at leading the conversation.
Also get him to stop people in the street and ask for direction etc. It all helps.
Sometimes though you have nothing in common with the other people, if you don't, he should try talking about his hobbies, if he has none, get some. Study current events so you are knowledgeable and can talk about them. Music.
At first it will feel uncomfortable, he needs to conquer his fear. Once he's over the first hurdle things will get easier.
Also he is obviously introverted so don't expect him to turn into the life and soul of the party.
Good luck from fellow shy person.
...............................
|
