A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am worried that my boyfriend is lying to me about his use of porn. When we first met we were open about discussing it and I asked to see his collection. It was huge. I was shocked at the amount he had but understood as he had been single for a long time and is quite shy and finds it hard to approach women. I found it difficult to accept his relationship past as it was so unusal and to tell friends and family he hadn't lived with anyone or had a long term relationship when they asked, despite him being 35 and I was worried about introducing him to my grown up daughter because I just found his situation so unusual. As I have got to know him and fall in love with him I told him how I wanted a good healthy sex life and how I would continue to look after myself physically as he prefers slim women and if he would mind not using porn. He said he loved me and I was enough and when we lived together in the future he was ok about deleting it all from his computer and phone. After 6 months we talked about porn again and I said I didnt want it in my relationship with him and he agreed to delete it all and just concentrate on us. I am like this because my ex husband was a porn addict and it is important to me that I never go through that again. Its a bit like dating an alcoholic and being so traumatised that you never want to date anyone who drinks again. I cant explain to you the pain and anguish I went through.Last week I borrowed his phone to google search a site in front of him and found a porn search. I mentioned it casually (no point in blowing up as this doesnt achieve anything) and he completely denied all knowledge and said he was looking up a porn star who had recently died. I saw that he had looked up many pictures of her and just took what he said as the truth (to save his embarrassment really). I feel really sad inside because I dont think he has given up porn at all. We only meet for 3 days of the week because we have a long distance relationship and he wants us to live together but I dont feel I can trust him with this. We have talked it through and he insists he is not using it but I dont want to change jobs, move in with him and then find he is still using it. This is definitely an issue for me and I am so sure I want to not have to think about it anymore. How can we move on from this while I feel like this. Is this a trust issue? Some say all men look at porn but that's simply not true I have dated men who are not interested in it because they prefer to have sex rather than watch it. Ok lots use it but lots of guys watch football and lots don't. Would you move in with a guy feeling like this?
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alcoholic, long distance, move on, my ex, porn, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (8 February 2011):
 Honestly, I wouldn't move in with a guy if I felt the way you are feeling. But, it doesn't mean he will ALWAYS look at porn. There is a chance he will stop, but you need to explain to him that you will not accept his porn use. You also need to tell him that if you two move in together and you end up finding out he still looks at porn, you will leave him. And, you need to stick to your words if he continues to look at porn.
Now, before my next part, you must know that I am neutral when it comes to porn. It can be healthy and unhealthy depending on its use and I would never try to make someone change their mind on their opinion of it.
I understand your reasoning for not wanting to be with another man who looks at porn because of your ex-husband. My question for you to just think on, you don't need to answer, is: Is there a chance you would accept a guy who looks at porn in a healthy way? The reason I ask is because even though there are guys who don't look at porn, there are a lot more who do look at it. You are limiting yourself to a small number of men by cutting out porn users. I am not trying to change your mind, just ask you to think if a healthy use of porn is worth ending a relationship over. If you truly believe you can never deal with porn use again, then I hope this man will quit for you and you will be happy with him for years to come.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): umm, can we discuss this issue without slamming the guy as "profoundly dysfunctional" because he never had a relationship before? women find that so strange because in our culture, even a desperately shy girl with no social skills will be approached and eventually find a bf. Shy guys arent so lucky.. If they can't talk to others, no one will talk to them. If their self-esteem is low, no one will nurture them and build them up. Shy girls get sympathy and understanding while shy guys are kicked to the curb and forgotten.
Your bf's porn use probably was not the cause of him having no relationships, it was a symptom of it. How would you have turned out if you were 35 and never been approached by any guy, EVER? Would you develop some strange habits? Would you be unhealthily fixated on the sex lives of normal people?
Unfortunately i speak from experience. But I'm also proof that once a regular porn user is not always one. When my core beliefs changed, I mostly cut it out of my life. and that was as a single person, without anyone asking me to do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): Absolutely not! You have been through it once before. Save yourself the trouble and get out before you're in too deep! There's a reason he has not lived with anyone for so long!
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 Honestly, i wouldn't.. If porn is a dealbreaker for you, then i simply wouldn't take his word and change everything. Only to find out he is still looking and wont stop. Many guys say they will and dont. They simply think its better to lie and hide it so their other half doesnt get hurt by it. Just the way guys seem to think, if a girls upset its better to hide it then actually stop.. Perhaps make it clear that you simply cant accept it at all. Has he any videos or pictures of you that he could perhaps use instead? If i was to move in with him, i would make sure there was an agreement or something in place so that he wouldn't lie and hide it. I'm sure there is a way around it. But dont put yourself in a position where you get hurt. Good luck
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