A
male
age
41-50,
*eatherandsunglasses
writes: I have been going out with my fiancé for just over a year and a half now. My past relationships have scarred me severely. I have major trust issues now. I don’t consider myself a control freak or anything like that, but I question peoples actions that I used to not question. Over the course of our relationship, my fiancé sold me on the idea that she was practically a virgin, she said she was very inexperienced and told me about her Mormon background. In recent months, little slip ups started happening in her original story, and more guys names started to coming into play that weren’t there in the beginning. I also noticed she was very protective of her cell phone, taking it in the bathroom with her when she showers, etc. So I began to question her. Like I said, due to my past experiences, I believe everyone has something to hide. So I kept hammering her down with questions. Since we are planning a wedding sometime in the not-so-distant future, I felt that I had to get to the bottom of any issues between us. I didn’t want another failed relationship (like my last marriage which was full of lies, deceit, cheating, steeling, you name it) Anyway, I had her swear on the bible that she has always been honest with me since day one. She said she was. However, I could not let it go, her behavior with her cell phone and story changing about past relationships made me go where I should not have gone. I snooped. Yes, I know it’s wrong, but this is my whole life ahead of me we are talking about. I want to know who I am marrying! Anyway, I never got my hands on her cell, but I did get into her e-mail and recorded a conversation between her and I. My findings weren’t too shocking, there was no infidelity, however, there was lies about her past relationships. I found the many e-mails of fling type relationships (which she claimed she wasn’t the fling type.) We pretty much had it out. I told her I had to make a confession (about the snooping) but I wanted her to tell me one more time that she had no secrets. I think she had a hunch that I knew something she didn’t. She finally confessed that she wasn’t honest about her past relationships. She had a few flings and was not proud of them. She said she still considered herself inexperienced because these were very short flings and not all involved going all the way. Long story short: Many lies went into hiding this past of hers. I guess the old saying is true, you keep making up a lie to cover another. To me, I saw this as very compulsive lying. She says it is just one lie though, not many. However, she definitely told me many lies around this one thing. So we talked things over and cleared the air. She knows about my past bad relationships, she cried a lot over this, and is asking me for a second change. She said due to her religious background she was very ashamed to tell me about these relationships. She cried and said she didn’t want to be thought of as a floozy. We also covered the cell phone thing. She said she gets lots of bill collector calls, so she didn’t want me to know how bad she was in with the creditors. She then offered me her cell and told me I could freely look through it. I felt bad enough about snooping through her e-mail, so I passed, she was very persistent about me seeing it though. She seemed honest. So here I am now, a person that believes: once a liar: always a liar, once a cheat: always a cheat, once a thief: always a thief. I think what she lied about was pretty silly really, and I honestly don’t care about her past, it’s the fact that she presented it as a lie, then when called out on the lie, still had trouble telling the story straight. The thing that bugs me the most though is she lied on the bible, which is supposed to be the one thing she believes most in this world: God. So I am now at a cross road in my life. She wants a second chance, and I am the forgiving type. She says she has always been honest otherwise, and I somehow to believe her. She is a very caring person, and I have met very few people like her. I must say I truly do love her, but I fear the lies will surface again in the future. She swears to me they won’t and that she learned her lesson from this. It does seem like this incident had brought us closer together now, and we are communicating more than ever. She also hasn’t done anything else to doubt my trust. She is always where she says she will be, and she is always with me at nights, so I doubt she cheating. She says she has been very committed to me So ladies and gents, what’s your opinion? Once a liar always a liar? Or should I give her that second chance and consider this to be just something silly. I don’t see the big deal why she hid it from me. I too have had a fling in my past, but I was open and honest about it from day one. I didn’t wait this long to say something. I believed the past is the past, however, I also believe when it comes to sex, you should be very honest with the people you sleep with so they are aware of what type of sexual background you have. I always believed you should know when you are playing with fire.
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her past, infidelity, liar, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): RUNNNN ......
A
male
reader, leatherandsunglasses +, writes (9 February 2009):
leatherandsunglasses is verified as being by the original poster of the question Her past doesn’t bother me at all. My issue isn’t with dealing with her past. People say I see things in black in white too much. To me a lie is a lie, whether it was cheating, a misconstrued past, lying about your age, or lying about your name (whatever the situation is). My past relationships have made me a very unforgiving person when it comes to lies. I believe you are only as good as your word and if you aren’t good to your word then you are good for nothing. Your word means nothing. So, to me, even if she has been honest about everything and has truly come clean now, the question arises: if she will lie about this, what else would she lie about? She claims she has learned a lot from this and she truly deserves a second chance. I fear that in 2-5 years I might look back on this day and say to myself “you ignored the warning signs, the same signs you saw in your past marriage and ignored.” So if that scenario happens again, I will highly regret not ending this now, even though I love her very much. She hates it when I compare our situation to my past, I know she is not like the others, but after you have been burnt so many times, you begin to see the world differently. Plus like the first responder said, you hit the nail on the head: why did I have to pressure her so much for this information. I shouldn’t have to snoop, I shouldn’t have to hammer it out of her. This information should have came freely, and even if it didn’t come freely, once she was backed into a corner, she should have came clean, instead she kept it going. What can I say though? The dating world sucks, and the last year and a half has meant something. Starting over can be just as hard as fixing what you have, considering I am pessimistic and believe everyone out there lies and has skeletons in their closets. So that’s what drew me to post my story. So far we are still talking, we still both think we have a good relationship, however, I am having great difficulty letting this go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): The fact that it took a hell of a lot of pressure from you to get her to confess to her lies, is not a good sign. relationships are based on TRUST. She didnt cheat. which is fantastic. But to feel that she has to lie to cover her tracks or hide something from you is certainly a bad sign. Especially if you are to be married soon. I was previously in a long term relationship with someone like that. He lied about alot of things, things that if he had just told me in the first place, wouldnt have turned out as bad as they did. You mentioned her credit isnt great, well my ex and i had joined our accounts to buy our then condo. He failed to mention he was 70 thousand in debt. He had been transferring money from MY savings to his credit cards to lower it! I was oblivious to it all. Until one day the bank called ME, claiming I had financial problems. Needless to say, its now over. Little things like that matter. Now its MY CONDO. :)Let her know that she has nothing to hide from you. Ever. And that she shouldnt feel as though she has to. Trust, trust, trust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): I'd say that she deserves a second chance, its not like she cheated on you is it? Let her prove to you that she wont lie again, the things she lied about are her past, and i do believe she is one of millions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): the way i see it is if she didn't cheat on you then there's no problem. her past is her past, if you cant deal with it then you need to resolve your own issues before getting into a relationship. jealousy is a big reason for break-ups.
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