A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help.I am in a very very bad place. I work in an industry that is taking massive hits and lay offs everywhere. I am responsible for 2 children (from my husbands 1st relationship)and my husband, He also works but we rely on my wage ( I earn more) anyway I constantly feel under pressure, my other half does his best to support me but he dosnt understand what is happening (its a global crisis) anyway. I constantly feel sick in my stomach, I don't know how much more I can take.I went away to a conference on the other side of the country last week,and I was trying to figure out what to do next.. (jobs, mortgage, retirement fund, kids education, car repayments, bills....that type of thing) anyway i was sitting downstairs at the pool and I saw an old friend, he and I worked together many years ago. We ended up chatting and having dinner, big mistake. It turns out he is in the same situation as I am, so after a few drinks our sad stories came out and one thing led to another and i kissed him, Nothing else happend except i went back o my room and was sick to my stomach. I came home early to confess what I had done to my other half. feeling awful and horrid I walked in to the front door and low and behold what do I find? But my husband in MY bed with our neighbour.I walked away and sat in the tv room. She fled the house, I was suprised at how calm I was. He came in blubbering about how sorry he is and can I forgive him.I have also found out he has been spending thousands of dollars on her (meanwhile I am working my ass off to pay the bills).I honestly do not know what to do, I am in a very dark place and am terrified of what the future holds. Has anyone ever felt so lost and alone? I am terrified of what I may do.
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female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (18 September 2008):
 It is OK to be angry. You have that right. GOOD FOR YOU for leaving him. It will teach him a valuable lesson. Lots of us have been through this type of thing at least once in our lives. Not EXACTLY the same, but still along a similar story line.
Let us know how you are. Update us.
Take care xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): I did it! I left the son of a bitch. I closed all my bank accounts the works.
He spent hours crying and telling me it will never happen again, he only did it because I was never home.... too right I was out trying to keep a roof over our heads! cheeky ass!
As the kids are not mine I dont have to pay for them (sorry I know it sounds harsh but I am bloody angry)
I have taken my car,clothing and a few other bits. ( I can start again and everything will be fresh and new, thats my thinking!)I am staying with my friend for a few weeks.
She can support his lazy good for nothing flabby ass for awhile and see how she likes him when he has no money.
Thanks for all your help and advise (sorry if I sound angry)
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (16 September 2008):
 You have a job. You can pay your bills honey. Don't be afraid honey. You are a strong, independent woman. Be strong for your children and leave him. You obviously are more commited to the relationship than he is. He can spend money on that b**** and not you or the kids? Whatever! My advice is to leave him and watch him burn.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 Your future is probably OK Hun, its his that is in jepardy. I think I would leave him myself, he has taken the Pi** out of you good and proper. He doesnt deserve such a hard working, honest, and lovely lady. I hate to say this but the man is scum, and there is no way I would ever forgive a person that did this.
If you feel that counselling might help you, then by all means try. But if I were you, my boot would be straight up his back-side. Of course he is sorry, he is worried about losing the golden goose... He is a poor excuse for a man.
At least you had the desency to feel guilty over a kiss, and come back to say sorry,where-as your husband has sponged off you and then did the worst thing that a man could to a woman.
I dont believe that you came close to having an affair, as one of the aunts have sugested. You knew you had made a mistake, and it was a kiss thats all, so you can still hold your head up high.
Good luck Honey XXXX
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 September 2008):
 Well, you almost cheated yourself, so you don't exactly have the moral high-ground in this manner.
Live is hard and the reality of being an adult of constantly having to earn money to deal with a never ending deluge of bills can get to much. It is hard to remember why you two got together when the bills are due.
It seems you and perhaps he as well just got burned out on each other and both went looking elsewhere for support.
It might be time to take a long hard look at your life and what you want out of it.
You really only got two options. Either divorce in which case you will be a single middle aged female, free but alone and no kids.
Or you two try to work things out, discover that once you two wanted to face the world together, not just share a mortage. Not easy to forgive cheating but be honest, you came close yourself.
Do you want to be part of this household with all its problems and bills OR do you want to be free, your money for yourself and the freedom to find someone new to fall in love with?
It is really up to you to make a choice, what do you want to do with the next 35 years of your life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): If I were in your shoes I think I'd want to stab him in the eyes with a pair of scissors and cut her tits off with a carving knife, but that's impractical.
So, you're the main bread-winner, you're working your ass of to keep him and his kids, and your neighbour benefits from your money too. Meanwhile you're going frantic wondering how you're going to cope with the finances.
I suppose it all boils down to whether you want to stay married to a sponging cheat who takes advantage of your generosity. Could you do better for yourself outside the marriage? Could you afford to rent somewhere to live? Is the house you share worth more or less than the mortgage? Lots of things to think about.
I think you might benefit from having a break from your husband, maybe go and rent a motel room for a few nights to get your head around this. You might see things a little clearer if you give yourself some space to thinki things over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): I have never been in a situation remotely like yours but I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Just reading it puts a weight on my heart so I can't imagine how much pressure you are under.
First thing to deal with is the finances, if you have a joint bank account then perhaps that shouldn't be where your wage or savings go? It is entirely unfair that you should be worrying intensely about money and that he feel free to spend your cash on his affair!
How secure is your job position? Is your work transferable to a more stable industry?
It seems to me the main issue to be addressed is the finances as you don't mention much about your feelings for, or relationship with your husband.
Please keep us updated
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (16 September 2008):
I missed the part where the kids aren't yours. Can his ex take them for a while?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (16 September 2008):
Wow you have it bad, I am very sorry this has happened to you.
However, now that she has gone, some of the pressure will be off you as those thousands of dollars that he has been spending can be spent on the kids and bills instead.
Right now I think you need to get out of there and go to a friends house and talk to them and cry and get it out of your system. The think practically about what you want to do.
Do you want to leave? You don't have kids with this man. There is nothing stopping you from getting out and I think you would be justified in doing so.
If not then I think your husband has a LOT of making up to do. Financially and emotionally. How Dare He!
Get out and do some thinking.
Nothing is worth this much pain. Take a breath and write down all the practical things you need to think about.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (16 September 2008):
Yes, there are other people who sometimes feel lost and alone. Try to take some comfort in knowing that.
I admire you for not grabbing your neighbor by her hair and dragging her out of your bed, and kicking her ass. It must of taken a LOT of self control on your part.
Suggest to your husband to go to counselling together. This is something that you both may need IF you are going to stay together. He has demolished your trust in him over this neighbor affair. Now you will be keeping your eyes on his EVERY move. And rightly so!
I am sure that your mind is entertained with fantasies of what you would like to do to the BOTH of them. But try to stay strong and somewhat rational, and don't do anything that will get you into trouble. Think of your kids, and stay strong for them. They need their mom.
Keep us updated.
xxx
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