A
female
age
51-59,
*elpDeeDee
writes:My husband was in an accident 25 years ago prior to our marriage that left him paralyzed. He has a full time job and has lived indepentantly. We met 3 years ago on the internet. I lived in the USA and he lived in Australia. He came to visit me in the USA a year and a half after we were chatting with me online. Things started falling apart when he returned to Australia. He said he wanted physical relationship so I packed my things and left my life in the USA to be with him in Australia. I have 3 children. 2 came with me age 16 and 17. My oldest stated in USA he is 19. We married 6 months ago even though we knew we had conflict. The conflict is he had lived independently for a long time now he has a family. He has care staff that is mainly young beautiful university students. He wants them to do all the hands on personal things and doesn't not want me to do them. He would prefer that I left the bedroom while they are here ( I don't but do sometimes). He does how ever want me to do all the non personal contact things like cooking, cleaning a feeding him. He uses a head set to work his computer and is on it all the time unless a carer is here working with him or he wants to sleep. He laughs and jokes with them. He says he doesn't do that with me because of our conflict. Sex is not happening either. How can I find a balance that we can both live with? He say I will never have any say in his personal care (he want to say who when where and how anyone can touch him). And I am not comfortable with his relationships with his care staff nor his relationship with me. By the way I don't believe that he is cheating on me just not bonding with me.
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female
reader, HelpDeeDee +, writes (29 January 2012):
HelpDeeDee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your input.
AuntyEm yes he is very good to the children and I do believe he cares about me. And sorry if I left the impression that this is about sex. Its about our friendship or lack of it and also about a balance (making decisions together) in our life.:(
anonymous yes you can still have sex just not the way others may do it. His plumbing works but he can not feel it. He can also see it and has feeling (quite sensitive) above the nipple line.
I want to thank y'all again for your input that I so desperately needed. It really helps getting others options.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 January 2012):
 It's very hard to get an overall picture of your relationship with your husband, but it seems you left behind your life in the US and left a child also to go be an unpaid servant to a disabled man?
You do not talk about love or closeness that you have with this man. You do not mention if he offers you security or if he even cares about you and your children?
I am just left wondering why someone would leave a life and a child in another country to be with someone who offers so little. It also baffles me that you seem to be only worrying about sex? Did you not discuss this before you got married?
You mention that you married him knowing there was conflict. That conflict seems to be centred on the difference between an internet fantasy relationship and the harsh reality of trying to make things work when neither of you really know eachother or have any experience of eachother.
This man obviously has his life a certain way and you and your children being imposed on him is now making him resist, act starngely and force him to impose rules on you (like not having sex and not help with personal care). He is pushing you away. He is happy for you to be cook and cleaner and to be someone who stops him being lonely...but what is he giving you?
You have sacrificed a lot to be with this man and now the cracks are beginning to show.
You need to have a serious chat with him to discover what his real intentions are. If he cannot give you love, nurturing, closeness and intimacy then you seriously need to think about leaving him and making a new life for you and your children.
I am so sorry but it seems as if you have been conned by a lonely disabled man who is just using you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): question but if he's paralyzed can he actually have sex??Other things that come to mind. He doesn't want you doing the kind of personal care that involves touching him, and you think it's because he prefers the hot young university students who work as his caregivers. But maybe it's because if he's sensitive about needing caregivers to bathe and clothe him, he feels it demeaning to his manhood to have you - his wife - do that for him whereas if he pays someone to do it then he feels in control. It's a pride thing, I mean, and if so you can't fault him for that. Maybe he can't respect himself if you're the one bathing and clothing him because then it's like he's dependent on you like a child. But it's different if it's the paid staff bathing him because then it's more like he is their boss and they are simply providing a service to him and he is in control because he's the one paying them. Also maybe he doesn't want you doing the personal care for him because he's afraid that other people would judge him as only marrying you in order to get a caregiver he doesn't have to pay for and how it's unfair to you (the wife). That would be really insulting if people thought that of him so I can see why he would want to avoid that at all costs by showing that he is still fully independent and doens't need you for his basic necessities even though you're married. In a way I think this is healthy because it shows he wants to make sure your relationship is husband-wife as normal as possible, and not as nurse-patient or parent-child which can muddy the waters of a marriage.But at the same time he's happy to let you do the cooking and cleaning, and I think maybe it's because that's what every other wife does anyway so it feels normal to him for you to do that.I'm not sure what other conflict you are referring to, but in general it's not a good idea to go from an online relationship to marriage because you don't really get to know someone through online only. I think if you want to make this marriage work you should take it slow and try to get to know one another first, as friends, without as high expectations. You probably don't have a relationship because online isn't real so you don't truly know each other yet. give yourselves time to get to know one another, but cut each other slack so that your impressions of each other as you're still getting to know each other won't be so negative.
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