A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Scared.My second marriage begun disasterously my second Husband refused to bond with my children lied cheated and left me when I lost my job with his baby and my two other children to fend for ourselves financially and otherwise. My Son who is 9 took a dislike to him due to his attitude towards him and his sister.We have tried to work on things. We have kept our money seperately he has miserly tendency which I find difficult. We are at a point where we have decided to buy a house together I have concerns that still exist such as he has finally agreed to put some of his savings as a deposit I earn a higher monthly salary so we will mix money i am scared he will be miserly with my children and it will cause fights. He tolerates my children now but will still let me down to go places on our own with them but I give 100% to his other two children. I am scared if he is funny towards my children again it will damage my Son. He seems better but we live in our own house so his OCD does not fixate in our house. He found it difficult if the kids were untidy in our previous house.I am scared once he is established in a house that we are tied he will start being controlling again. Its a case of one in I am scared I will be stuck. I want the happy family but am scared to take a chance. I could buy a house shortly on my own but am worried about giving up also.I can still pull out of the house but if I do we are unlikely as a family to find such a cheap house that fits our 5 kids. I just feel scared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello EveryoneThank you all for you great help and support I could never have made the move without it. Its two months since I made the break and I am still on my own. I had some terribly disappointing news that my little one may have a hole in his heart keep him in your prayers please. As for my ex he continues on his road of chaos trying to take me with him. He followed me last night to my first ex house where I was dropping off my Sons school bag he then turned up at my house five minutes later to tell me he was going to kill my ex. I told him he was a bully and he could forget about coming to my house or seeing my little Son if he acts like that. He said sorry then went on to say he was going to kill himself that night. I worried all last night because I care but not enough to take him back. He is on his own and I do feel for him as he has problems but I wont give upmy life for him. I texted him this morning to see if he was ok guess what yes hes fine. I have done the right thing but its still tiring xxxx
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 April 2012):
 You've never been supported, you've never felt safe or secure, so you won't be missing anything. When he is gone, you will feel stronger, you will feel more secure, your life will be happier. He is a burden, without him you will become happy again. Change is always hard, but this time, the change will be the best thing you have ever done.
Take care of yourself and the kids, you deserve a lot better than him.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Good for you! You've done the right thing.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 Will you regret your decision one day ?... Only if you lose your mind and go totally insane.
You have " asked " him to pack his bags and leave. Now please make sure that he actually DOES pack his bags and leave, close the door behind him.. and have the locks changed.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 April 2012):
 HUGS to you dear OP... it's very very scary to do what you did and HE knows this and will prey on that fear...
be strong....
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I have asked him to pack and go. I weighed everything up and he is better on certain things but I still do the majority of childcare on my own we have seperate money and he wont commit to us buying a house and I see us still arguing over those issues and cant see that getting better or where our future is. He says hes ready now but it cant be he only promises when he thinks he will loose me then backs out later. He says hes heartbroken and he has tried and on some things he is better but the other things are important to me I dont feel supported or secure. Will I regret my decision one day? I am so scared x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): "Exhausted with it all"
Unfortunately a lot of relationships are exhausting- end this one before you get even more exhausted, he isn't going to change. Get your energy back. Your son doesn't like him and he is miserly- this is NEVER going to be a happy situation.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 March 2012):
Relationships should be uplifting and restorative. they should not be this hard or this contrived nor should they exhaust you.
scary as it is I think leaving might be in the best interest of you and your children.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 March 2012):
"My Dad says he can see he is protecting his money because our relationship has been volatile but that was due to him not me. " (unhappy scared wife)
Since it's the money your thinking about.... This guy is so protective of his money, he doesn't even want to spend a penny on an apple in case you or your kids eat it. Does he keep his food in a big box and lock it up at nights with a key? How the hell are you gonna buy a house with such a man, if he's protective of his money with food, how much more protective is he gonna be on a house, that you will have to spend most of the money on.
If he is so protective of himself, then we can't call him husband, husbands and wives share beds, share's lives and share money. This guy sounds more like a lodger.
"Thank you again get so scared get to point cant think straight" - Scared, that's a strange emotion for a woman in love with her husband to feel. But we are not talking about love. You never, ever talk about love when you mention him. Why are you scared?
£50 per month for his son, that's just over £1 a day for the kid... a bargain, for him. Does he help with the bills, or does he only pay for what he uses and nothing else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): You do not have to be exhausted with it all...you just have to walk away.
For some weird reason you can't, or won't, so until you decide you have had enough and choose to be happy and carefree instead, then nothing can or will change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again get so scared get to point cant think straight. Yes he wont pay joint food because he says I dont eat much so would be waste nothing to do with fact that my food bill is £70 a week compared to his £30 of all stuff for him he gives me £50 a month towards his Son to cover food and clothes and toys. etc. He wont pay for my kids food is the way I feel. My Dad says he can see he is protecting his money because our relationship has been volatile but that was due to him not me. Exhausted with it all
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Why on earth would you want to buy a house with this man, you would be well and truly stuck with him if you do.
What happens 5 or 10 years down the line,when you've really had enough,or he has, how would you get your share of the property sorted out? He's not exactly free with his cash is he?
He doesn't seem to be able to see past himself and what he wants.
You on the other hand...what do you and especially your children GAIN by being with him?
Not alot from where I am standing. You sound miserable,confused and intimidated
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Your children are the most important people for you to look after. They are your Number One. He is, as my daughter would put it, Number Twenteen (if he's lucky).
Look, life is just too bloody short for this nonsense. You would manage fine financially on your own. You know you would be absolutely fine, and free to be have and live as you see fit. And for sure someone else would come along. And it isn't you that has failed - you have tried and tried to make this work - if you've done one thing wrong, it's try too hard and too long.
I know how it is: after a failed marriage, you feel like you should try REALLY hard the next time, and then maybe it will be ok. But actually, I think the trick is in choosing the person in the first place. You chose unfortunately, again. That is a common, understandable mistake, especially as at the start of things, people are their nicest, and you don't see how bad they are until it feels too late to get out.
So now, in my honest opinion, you need to get shot of him. All of this nonsense about you having to save the same as him, etc. - that is horrible controlling behaviour. And unfair, as you earn more. He is monstrous, and I really really really don't know what you are doing with him. And DON'T feel sorry for him. Does he feel sorry for you? No. Ok, he can't change himself - and you have a child together - but do you really want to sacrifice your and your children's happiness so he is 'ok' ?
Tough, tough choices. Hard to execute. But not hard to live with once you've got up the courage - easy, nice, lovely and free. That's your reward. Just bloody do it.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2012):
Your always welcome babes, I know you got no-one else to talk to and I'm not surprised to hear your still with this "man". So things are getting a little bit better, not a lot, but just a little bit, but the guy is still awful and can't be fixed. So now your kids don't hate him so much, and he's learned how to play.But.....1. You shop for food separately and eat separately, not sure how many married people do that. Who shops for the food for the kids, do you two split their food bill?2. He is still as tight fisted as ever, bet he still has that posh expensive stereo system, and his 40k in the bank, whilst you got to work your ass off, trying to save the money for the deposit on the house. Two years is a long time to wait.3. You say he's not committed. Your wrong, he is committed, this is as good as it gets. He married you, he plays with your kids, and that's it.. that's your married life until the day you drop dead. (if you stay) 4. Your looking after all of the kids (his kids as well I guess) and your worried about the guy getting bored, because all he has for entertainment is the gym. You of course don't need entertainment, because your job is to work, bring home the bulk of money, look after all them children and look after him.Who looks after you sweetpea? Do you get time to get bored?5. This is his 3rd crap relationship. He lets everyone down. He let you down, he lets down his kids. You would think after all that experience he'd at last start getting something right.6. He's got two sons who hate him, and he doesn't spend any money on them. Is he spending money on your baby that you had together?Just to keep everything tidy, here's the link to your last post, but as you say, you have pushed all of this into the past and are trying to forget about it. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-mean-and-controlling-and-my-children-dont.htmlI notice your focus is still on him, how he feels, what he wants, and not hurting him. His focus is on how he feels, what he wants, and hurting everyone else. One big improvement is that feeling of resentment you got. Two years of no money while his money sits in the bank is going to make that resentment even stronger. If he isn't helping much on the bills, or on things the children need, the resentment will build up and could even turn into hate.When your ready to dump this guy, you just need to say, "This is not working out, I'm unhappy, I'm tired, I going to get a divorce, now can you please leave me alone"And please don't worry about him, he's very used to people kicking him out, hating him and dumping him, but he doesn't care, because he's the one who hurt them and made them hate him in the first place. This guy will be OK and always land on his feet. He's got 40K in the bank remember, you won't be forcing him into the street, and he won't end up with no job and 2 children and a baby to look after.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi its me again I have bored everyone with my problems in the past but i dont have anyone to chat to this is it. Times moved on I rent a property with my second Husband hes not that bad and has improved plays with his Son occassionally chats to my kids does nt go out. On the otherhand he says he feels down alot that he doesnt have fun. Admittedly our life is not exciting as he has £40k in bank but wont put it in a house as he wants me to save half of the deposit which will take two years so its full time work full time childcare no holidays or days out if we shared our income ( i earn more than him but have no savings )ourlife would be easy. This is not for him we shop seperately eat seperately I put the kids to bed on my own get them ready he goes to work and the gym so no wonder hes bored but its of his own making I cant save and spend money on holidays. I feel resentful and this has grown to the point I dont want to do this circle anymore. Even though he has been a sod to me I do care this will be his third unsucessful relationship and his Son and I are the only things he has outside work but he wont commit. I am scared of telling him that I dont think it will ever work. He has tried to change but what I want is so far what he is. He says what do I need to do I told him about the money and help but nothing changes long term.I think my life would be better with someone who cares about me more than themselves but how do I collect the gumption to tell him and how I dont want to hurt him even if he has hurt me in the past
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (17 November 2011):
Please don't do it. If you have concerns about how this will work out for your children, that those concerns must take priority. As their mum YOU are the one they look to for care and protection. You have to make that your first responsibility therefore, and in this case it sounds like that means not buying a house with this guy. It sounds like the situation is destined to go wrong.
Have you posted similar questions about this issue before?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 November 2011):
Hey natasia, I do remember one time we had a post from a young kid who was living in the garden shed. He said his stepmother had said that he and his sister had to live there.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (16 November 2011):
Hey ... don't do it. I think it will get worse if you buy the house with him. Without a doubt.
And listen to this. You are the 4th person I now know of who has exactly the same problems, ie:
The guy who you are with, who isn't the father of your child or children -
freaks out when your child/ren make a mess
isn't nice to your child/ren
makes a big deal about how they are not his kids
is mean with money and wants to have things for himself and not share
makes your life a misery by his attitude towards your kids and actually you
I think this must be a syndrome. The bastard-second-husband syndrome. I now wonder whether all men in the second-husband situation just turn like this, or whether just some are such horrible people.
Oh, and also typical that you are lovely to his kids, but he does not return the favour for your kids.
What I think I am saying is that in a way this is good, because it means he isn't an isolated case - a hell of a lot of women are in the same situation. Which makes it feel less personal, I guess.
So ... what do you do? Tell him you just don't feel ok about the house, and pull out of it. Regardless of the price, etc. And BUY A HOUSE ON YOUR OWN. You will always be safer then.
YOU CANNOT TRUST HIM. So don't make the mistake of kind of hoping that if he has his own house with you, he will then magically be happier and treat you all better. He won't.
He will then start saying his kids have to have the best rooms, and your son has to go in the garden shed. Trust me. And he will say your son should be grateful he even has a room. And that if he makes a mess in his room, he doesn't deserve a room. And where is your son's father to pay for his carpet and curtains, etc etc. Really, he will. I bet a million dollars.
This is just such awful stress. We none of us need it. I really really hope you can find the strength not to buy this house with him.
I really honestly think you should just ditch this idiot. I still believe there are reasonable guys out there. These bastards give men a bad name. Find a good guy. Robin Hood. Not the Sheriff of Nottingham.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): You say he tolerates your children, no wonder your scared. I have seen someone in a similar situation to yourself and it didn't end well. Your kids safety and happiness have to be your first priority, and this doesn't sound like agood situation for them or you. I would ask yourself some hard questions before going through with this. Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): Just dont do it ....thats all...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): I would pull out on the house and find someone who gets along with your children. Why put them and yourself through more stress?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 November 2011):
Your scared so am I... I'm worried about your son.. this doesn't sound good for him at all. Are you so in love with this man that your kids unhappiness doesn't matter at all.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Sounds to me like you've crossed the threshold of "brilliance" by choosing to enmesh yourself still further with this guy who you KNOW is toxic.
Good luck.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): its not going to go away. dont do it. its fair to say that men wont love step children as much as their own,but some bond and become friends. if one of the kids were in trouble,would he help? would he defend them? give them pocket money? if not please dont do it.
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (14 November 2011):
Your first obligation is to your children. Particularly in a case where their father is out of the picture, they are relying on you and only you to protect them and keep them in a situation where they feel safe and loved. That's not what you're describing here.
If you're having doubts about physically integrating the families, that suggests that you're having doubts about the marriage altogether. If your husband isn't able to try to at least be a benign presences in your children's lives (being a father sounds like a bridge much too far) then you should really ask yourself is what you're doing is the best thing for your kids.
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