A
female
age
,
Denise32
writes:The following was forwarded to me by a member of my church. It is adapated from a book: "Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work" I believe its worth passing on:"Dr. John gottman can predict with 96% accuracy within the first three minutes of a couple having a conversatioh whether the relationship will survive long-term, or not. The "Four Horsemen" are four potentially destructive communication styles. In the Old Testatment the Four describe "conquest", "war", hunger and death.The first horseman in a relationship is CRITICISM. Criticizing our partner is different that offering a critique or complaint. The last two are about specific issue, whereas the former attacks the partner at the core of his/her being......Example: "I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other." That's a complaint. On the other hand (destructive) criticism is: "You never think about how your behavior is affect9ng other people. I don't believe you are that forgetful, you just don't think about me."Second horseman is CONTEMPT. When we use contempt we are being mean, treating others with disrespect by the use of sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and/or body language such as rolling your eyes. The person feels despised and worthless. Contempt is toxic and must be eliminated.Example: "I've been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do, when you come home from work, is to flop down on the sofa and be a couch potato. You are just about the sorriest excuse for a husband I can think of."The third horseman is DEFENSIVENESS. Easy to fall into. We feel accused of something and that, if we tell our partner our excuse for doing what we did, he or she will back off. But the excuse just tells ourm partner that we haven't considered anything he/she has said. Basically, by defending ourselves we are ignoring our partner.Example: She says: "Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know we are not coming tonight as you told me this morning you would?" He: "I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact you knew how busy mu schedule was. Why didn't you just call them yourself?" His response is not only defensive, but he makes it out to be her fault. A better response would be: "Ooh, I forgot. I knew my day would be busy so I should have asked you this morning to call. I'm sorry, let me phone them right now."The fourth horseman is AVOIDANCE or stonewalling. When we do this, we avoid conflict either because we are not aware of our feelings, or because we are afraid. Rather than confronting issues that arise with our partner, we let them accumulate, and make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, being busy, or get obsessed with something else. We simply stop engaging in the business of relating to another person. Reply to this Article
Share |
You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
female
reader, GardenLover +, writes (26 July 2011):
 The second horseman is killing the communication in my relationship. Once I brought it up assertively, it allowed him to move to the third as an answer. Maybe this is a sign. Good points; thanks for posting.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 July 2011):
 Very nice article! It makes you sit back and wonder if you ever did those things, and how you can improve yourself (or myself in this case, haha).
So many things we say and do without thinking about how it makes the other person feel.
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 July 2011):
Denise32 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Very true, Janniepeg!
And yes, VS, it is well worth keeping in mind, isn't it?!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 July 2011):
 Eh, the first 3 minutes of conversation with my boyfriend was about sex and what we look like, on the phone. We are together for 3 years. We have our downfall in our communication styles but are learning to improve. I learn that whenever I get angry it's not really about him. It's important to let your partner know that you still love them even when your anger is triggered. Make up and hug after each fight. It's not good to go to bed angry. It's even better if we can hug before a fight begins. A lot of fights are caused by childhood wounds. Once we get serious in a relationship we fall into an illusion that our partners are perfect and infallible, and that they just know what we want without asking. The anger comes from being disenfranchised, when we never had the perfect parent, and will not the perfect partner who would never hurt us or disappoint us. To correct this we have to look at each other as little vulnerable children, and to help each other grow by accepting mistakes.
...............................
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (17 July 2011):
 I really like this article.I'll refer to it if I ever get a boyfriend lol.
...............................
|
