A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i was with my girlfriend for two years, lived together for one. i loved her so much. well she started cheating on me and left me for another guy a few months back, and it crushed me. i eventually moved on and started seeing another girl. well randomly my ex gets back into contact with me (she didn't know i was seeing anyone) and we started talking again. i knew i shouldn't, but i still loved her so much, i wasn't strong enough to say no. she was still with that same guy and i was with the girl i'd been seeing. well we went to lunch together about a month ago, against my better judgement. it went really well, and reminded me of how we used to be. when we left, she texted me and told me how much fun she had and how much she missed me.from that point on, we began talking and seeing each other constantly. during this time, i'd realized the girl i'd been seeing was a nut, and we'd broken up. but she was still with that guy. i know sneaking around is wrong, but this was the same guy who snuck around with her behind my back so i didn't feel that bad. so every morning she'd come over before work for about an hour and she'd call and text me every spare minute she had. she told me she still loved me and that her heart was with me. and that if there were an emergency, i'm the only person she would want with her, etc.well last week she came over on her off day and we were spending time together, but she kept texting him constantly. it made me really realize i couldn't continue to do this anymore. i asked her who she wanted to be with. she said she was just really confused because she loved me but was scared of leaving that guy and wondering what could have been. i told her i needed an answer because this was wrong. she asked for the rest of the day to think things over and that she'd let me know by the end of the day what she was going to do. well about three hours later, she calls me and tells me she found out the guy she'd been seeing was cheating on her a few months ago. she said i guess everything happens for a reason, and that was the answer she needed. she said she wanted to be with me, and get rid of him. well that was five days ago. she said i had to give her the weekend for him to get his stuff out and then we could start being together again. well as the days went by, she started acting weirder and weirder. the thoughtful texts stopped and she began feeling really distant. today i asked her what was up, and she said she realized she was still confused. i was crushed. she asked for another day to think, but i told her no, i couldn't do that. that i'd already given her time to think and she'd told me what she wanted, and she promised me we'd be together. i told her to tell me now how she felt and what she was going to do. she told me she didn't think she could be fair to me if we got back together because she would wonder about him. and that she couldn't be unfair to me again after she'd already hurt me so badly when she left me. so she changed her mind and decided to stay with that guy. i'm devistated. why would she spend so much time with me and tell me she wanted to be with me again, and that i still have her whole heart, and that she only sees me in her future when she pictures it, yet choose to be with someone else? i'm crushed AGAIN. advice on how to move on would be great, and opinions on why she would do that would be great, too.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): Why is she doing this?Really, there are entire books written about this type of behavior. When someone is in this pattern, they continue it for years, and years upon years.She's confused, doesn't know what to do with intimacy, and doesn't know what to do with or how to have a serious relationship.You need to move on, and stay away from her, because you are enabling her destructive behavior."advice on how to move on would be great"You totally cut off contact, painful as it may be, and you rebuff any future attempts to regain contact from her. By doing this you may actually cause her to seek out help, but don't accept contact in the future because you will never know if she isn't just dragging you back into her pathological life, because of you being part of her pathological relationship past. Don't accept renewed contact no matter what she says."opinions on why she would do that would be great, too."Her going through a couple of years of intensive counseling might reveal that.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 I don't think "her problem" makes any difference. Your focus needs to be on YOUR problem.... which is, that this girl has you wrapped around her little finger.... and she hasn't yet gotten to the behavious that is sufficiently egregious that you will come to your senses and let her go.
Work on your problem.... Good luck....
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Hi,I just ended a 10 years relationship a year ago, so I know exactly how you feel. The pain, disappoint, shock, betrayal, anger, etc. I know it all. After a year, I am still trying to put the pieces together, to heal, and as soon as I feel I am getting better, something pulls me back to where I was a year ago. I know that it will take time, I guess it's part of the process. I used to fight against my own feelings, pressuring myself to move on, but now I accept the fact that I have the right to feel this way, so I take my time. The truth is that we don't choose who to love, even after discovering that this person is no good for you, you cannot change your feelings over night. I guess that's what people call denial. You for some reason hope that this person will change, that you are wrong, hope somehow things will be back the way it was when you first met. Reality is that the chances of that happening is very little. Yes, many couples overcome cheating, and even become better partners, and they do have a happy life together. But, you cannot do it alone. You need her to make it happen. In my opinion, I truly believe that she loves you, but she also loves this other man. She even said so, she's confused... I don't think she had any intensions to hurt you the second time she came back, I believe she wanted to get back with you. But, then realize that she couldn't, so went back to him. As much as this hurt like hell, the best thing for you is to stay away from her, at least for a while. First, do not contact her anymore, no text, calls, emails, nothing. If she contacts you, do not answer by any means. Get rid of everything that reminds you of her, her belongings, clean your room, get rid of letters, doing so will make you feel better, and help the process. Stay busy, spend time with family, friends. Talk about your feelings to a friend you trust. Pour your heart out, cry, scream, do whatever to let go of this anger, then after you are done, do not think, talk about her anymore. Don't stay home, go out, get a make over, haircut, do things you like, this will also make you feel better. Most importantly, you need to think, and take care of yourself. These past few weeks, you've been hurt, emotionally, physically, mentally exhasted, so get plenty of rest, sleep good at night, and eat well. Doing those little things, will give you energy, strength, make you feel better, you have to do this, you need to be health, so you can overcome this horrible betrayal. It will take time, but each day that goes by things will seem less ovewhelming, and less important. I hope this helps, I hope you feel better. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): This isn't going to be nice, or easy to hear, but it is the truth:You are what we refer to as an "ego boost"- you are the guy that makes her feel better about herself. She's just not that into you, truly. She does not now, nor has she ever, felt the way about you that you felt/feel about her. Most of my girlfriends have at least one, I have a few, we just don't typically pursue relationships with them.As for the moving on part- just because *she* was/is not that into you, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. In fact, you probably are a pretty amazing catch! If she didn't see that, that is a her problem, not a you problem. Don't sell yourself short and allow her to use you a moment longer; don't contact her or reply if she contacts you. It won't be easy, but you have to make a clean break if you want to be able to move on emotionally.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 September 2011):
so first she was with you, then she cheated on you with him and left you for him.
then she cheated on him with you.
Then she said she wanted to be with you.
Then she said she wanted to be with him.
I think she prefers him, but sees you as a security blanket because you're the honest guy who never cheated on her like he did and who was around for her when she wanted. So she wants to keep you around as a "Plan B" if she can't have him to her satisfaction. maybe she's always trying to assess if she really can have him or not. And one minute it looks like it's possible, the next minute it's not so that's when she changes course and decides it's time to go for Plan B, but then something changes in the situation with him (maybe they fight and make up) and then she decides that maybe she can fine OK with him after all....
you've given her many chances to make a decision and she won't stick with one course of action which is unfair to you, she's stringing you along and using you, so you should move on from her. I think you just need to cut her out of your life completely, at least for a long time to come.
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