A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi EveryoneI've been asking for help a few times as I've been in a new relationship for some months now after a very long (nearly two decades), very negative one. Every now and then issues flag up that usually relate to my past experiences and so far you guys have been amazingly helpful in finding ways to 'zap' my doubts and so on. If anyone can help with this one I'd be really grateful.When I finally separated from my ex I was a total mess for well over a year - frightened, physically ill with stress, unable to eat, unable to really go out, isolated and unable to see any hopeful future at all. During that year however, I did a huge amount of work in sorting out my life - not just in thinking through the relationship but in learning and understanding more about how I got into it in the first place and so on. This process also extended to thinking about my friendships - whether close or fairly casual or 'new' or workplace etc. What I realised was that, not only have I tended to attract Mummy's boys who think that I am a strong woman who will 'lead' and support them - and it then goes wrong because whilst I am very strong I actually don't want to be the dominant partner at all and ironically end up being their doormat when they don't get what they want - I've tended to do this with friends too. I'm naturally very quiet and shy, but over the years have learned a lot about people dynamics in family's and so on, and what I find is that many, many people very quickly start to confide in me very early on and ask me for help and advice or just my thoughts about their problems. I genuinely care about people and I realise now that because I felt needed by them this was my way of minimising my fear of rejection/covering up my low self esteem and lack of confidence. I didn't do this consciously, but I can see it clearly now. Time and again I've had all sorts of people see me initially as strong, confident and somehow as if I've gotten my act together, and therefore feeling entitled to 'take' from me in terms of counselling/emotional support, only to not be around or not be able to compute the fact that I may need help and am not the self help guru that they take me to be - I don't set myself out to try to seem like one, I just genuinely feel for people. Anyway, as a result I've let one significant friend go and just not contacted other more casual or potential friends whom I realised were massively needy and/or toxic.I have a few - very few - friends with whom it is not like this. We are intellectually matched and we have fun together and offer support as and when needed but not anything like counselling. I want more friends like this but am currently still lacking in confidence. For years I could literally rarely go out anywhere as I was a working single mum and never met anyone. When I did go out it was usually with my (then) partner who was extremely socially confident and would literally bask in the limelight with people whilst I was forced into the shadows, often ending up counselling people whilst he simply had fun. And although I am studying at university the vast majority of students are far younger than me - they all like me, but there have been embarassed silences when they realise that they are only a few years older than my daughter - they all assume I'm much younger than I am...so we get on, but I crave new friends of my own age.I'm not sure what to do a. in terms of ensuring that I don't become the emotional dumping ground for new friends - it may sound harsh but I've been trying to filter out potential needy friends right from the very beginning as this feels healthy but it seems to go against what websites etc. say about making new friends ie. try everything and go to everything b. in terms of building confidence to make and keep friends with less needy people - at the moment these people seem very 'sorted' in their lives and not in need of new friendships and I feel self conscious about being the one doing all the inviting - eg. there's a mum of my own age, but whose children are still growing up and she's lovely and we get on, but she doesn't ask if I want to join her to do anything.I have twice now asked to meet her for coffee. similarly, others are just intent on getting on with their careers and literally seem to have enough friends already.I really don't want to become dependant on my new partner like I did in the past and still want to build my own life and retain some independence, but I'm uncertain about how to proceed with this issue. I'm also unclear about how quickly real friendships should develop and whether I just need to be patient with myself. I guess it doesn't help that the area that we both work in usually involves people having huge amounts of contacts/professional friends who are always out and about together - I'm still at the stage where I think "Oh, I'd like to go to such and such event, but I don't know if I can ask the same friend to go with me again, I wish there were others to ask.I guess at this stage of my relationship we're not yet into going out with other couples for example so its not such a big issue - but my partner has loads more friends than I do - not really close, but longstanding and not needy - and it could potentially become a problem in future I think, although he understands also that I'm still rebuilding my life.Any help really appreciated.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 October 2012):
I think there are some really interesting dynamics going on here. Beause you are so correct. When I was being bullied (not just me but various people in a place I once worked) I looked at who was being bullied and they targeted certain people.
Not the giggly girl who messes up and is never on time.
NO!! they targeted people who were capable.
And it seemed as if everyone took the attitude, "well we will just stand back and observe, because they are strong enough to fend for themselves.
But even if you are strong and capable you also have feelings and you have rights.
My mother in law taught me to say NO! and to do so emphatically whenever someone else came asking for my help.
And she taught me to say, "Think what this could become?" whenever someone was seeking to lean on me, borrow from me etc.
Because she could see I loved helping but was not putting myself first. Now I do only the things I love doing. Not what I think I should be doing.
In my case I think growing up without praise with two people who both had alcohol issues and could be very self centered was not a good environment. I think it is why such influences can motivate one to try to do our very very best at all times.
Yet my children will say, "it doesn't matter"
I like being on time. I like trying to be reliable and do as I promised etc,
Yet others never feel it matters if they forget to turn up or don't remember important days.
And another good friend explained why it is important to not give too much. That our giving and receiving should be in balance. By associating with takers that means that eventually your emotional bank is Empty. At which point you do deserve to "put back" into your emotional Bank.
Resolve to do nice things for yourself.
Take off some time to do something really special for you.
And step away from Takers - for they will find a willing victim down the road. Never feel guilty about walking away from a Taker. Takers will drain every last resource from you be it financially or emotionally.
Recognise Takers and step away from them, after you say an emphatic NO to them.
Also if you want to make more friends have you thought of this group in your country
https://www.hensdancing.com/
To improve your confidence I can thoroughly recommend joining a group to learn public speaking. It truly does work and once you get over the trembling knees stage of speaking to a group you will never look back.
Also keeping fit is important.
Whether that means filling up two plastic drink bottles with wet sand or water and taking them on your wwalk as your weights OR whether it means you find a park to run in or exercise in or you join a Gym then please just DO IT a as being fit really does improve your confidence in your.
And if someone never gives but always expects more of you then STOP giving to them - be it emotionally, financially, psychologically or physically. and Just say NO
The first time someone calls you "selfish" you will know that you are starting to put you first - and that is a WIN.
Because you cannot be the emotional dumping ground. If it is not you then they will find someone else to dump on. Such people always DO find a person to vent with and dump on.
Have a range of interests so that sometimes you are NOT available to them. It looks too needing to please if you always say YES. Work out what you want for you first. Then they can fit around your priorities.
And not vice a versa.
People understand what is a busy person. They don't try ti nonopolize that busy person's time.
So why should you have to put up with you being the available one?
You don't have to be there for everyone else.
Be there for YOU first
Regards
Abella.
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