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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been on & off again a few times with my b/f for 5 yrs. We've been really serious and we are each other's best friends. However, I feel as though he isn't going anywhere with his life. I'm about to graduate college, and he is just going back. He is not taking his classes seriously. He doesn't have a job, and is not really looking. I've had many talks with him about this. I don't want to seem shallow, I just want to be with someone who has similar goals and ambition. I don't want to feel like I'm pushing him to do these things! Plus, sex has gotten tiresome. Should I wait around in hopes he will shape up, or should I date new people? And if I date new people, how can I still keep him as a friend? I'm torn apart by this dilemma.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005): It sounds like you both need to give your relationship a break and date other people for awhile....or just live your lives apart and work on your own individual ambitions and futures. I would sit with him and have a big talk and see what he thinks. You both are at a crossroads in your lives and he's going down a different path than you. The route he going is no longer adaptable to where you see your life heading. Good thing this is happening now...before marriage and family came into the picture. Now's the time to give each other space and see where it goes from there. Wishing you both Good luck and take care.
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female
reader, pinksoftkitten +, writes (12 July 2005):
Hi. I think you and your boyfriend are probably going in different directions. He's young, and wants to have as much fun as possible whilst doing just enough studying to get him through. You on the other hand have burning ambition to succeed. I think you should cool it off with him, tell him you don't have time or energy for a serious relationship, but hope you can remain friends. This gives you the opportunity to give the relationship a chance to cool down, while you observe if he's going to change, before you begin to resent him. It also gives you a chance to date other people, since you've only said you don't want anything serious!! It also gives your boyfriend a chance to reflect on what he's lost in you, and whether he really wants that, and since you haven't rejected him personally, you can remain good friends. Explain that you just want some fun, and nothing too serious. This will spare his feelings, and so he'll be likely to remain friends with you, as you sit back and watch how he progresses with his life.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (12 July 2005):
If hes not "shaped up" in 5 years he never will. its up to you to decide whether you want to continue the relationship. After a long term relationship it can be hard to stay friends, you have to talk to him about this.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (12 July 2005):
 You didn't say at all if you actually loved him or not. Additionally, you said that you've talked to him about his aspirations or lack of aspirations but you don't seem to have spoken to him about your relationship. Is he aware of how you are feeling? I think it is about time you told him.
How does he feel when you speak to him about goals and ambitions? Does he feel you are having a go at him? Does he feel as if he may not be good enough in your eyes?
You have spoken about how you feel but you need to consider his feelings too.
Do you want to date new people? You need to be clear in your mind what you really want. He may not be what you want and the only way to discover this is to sit down with him, find out how he feels, what his intentions are for the future and whether he is prepared to put more effort into the relationship to revitalise it (particularly your sex life).
It could be that you are bored and that the relationship needs a healthy injection of excitement and you would both need to work on this together but you need to discuss the future with each other.
If you do date new people, it will all depend on how your boyfriend feels as to whether you will be able to remain friends. In may turn out that way as you have always been friends and you may simply just be growing apart right now.
Consider whether you really want this relationship to continue and talk to your boyfriend today.
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