A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:OK Aunts, here is something that has been troubling me.How important should sexual attraction be in a relationship?The reason I ask is because sometimes I think sex and sexual attraction is a distraction and sort of leads us down the wrong path. How often does someone end up in a destructive relationship because he or she is blinded by sex? I know I have been.Perhaps sexual attraction should be AFTER all the other things: similar values, compatible personalities, enjoying same things, etc. Of course, we are bombarded by media of images of relationships where sex is the first thing that draws people together. It's only later that people realize that actually they are not good partners, but this comes only after they have slept together. Maybe that's why so many relationships fail.What are you thoughts on this? On a scale of 1-10, where 1=not important and 10=most important, how important is sexual attraction? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Attraction is important- I'm not sure how to rate it with a number, but most likely I wouldn't want a partner I had not attraction with.
I do agree that it can blind you to a lot of things about a person and to problems in a relationship. And it is often the gateway to love- a very dangerous combination in some cases. Once you have the physical/emotional bond with someone in a deep love that is very difficult to break if the relationship turns into shit.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): 10 but there are a lot of other things in a relationship that are a 10 too. No sexual attraction means the person is only really good for friendship in my opinion.
I've never been blinded by sex. I've been blinded by love but never sex.
I'm not bombarded by any media images either OP, I pay no attention to them. We do have the power to turn off the TV, to not buy that magazine and choose the music we listen to you know. You're not some kind of slave to the media, you're an individual that makes her own choices. Don't blame anything else for what you do or why you think things.
Great sex can make a relationship awesome but you don't need great sex to be sexually attracted to someone.
Your relationships fail for a number of reasons. Which you personally will have to examine and resolve. Blaming bombardment by the media is a cop-out, the only expectations you should fulfil are your own. Honestly it sounds like your standards are too low in other areas. Or maybe you started off as FWB's and got burned when you fell in love.
Maybe if you gave us specific examples of what happened with your exes we may be able to help you figure out where you went wrong and what you can do to change those things. There's no point in giving up on sexual attraction as it is important to want to fuck the person you're dating.
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A
male
reader, almorr  +, writes (8 February 2012):
I' am a male reader,very much so, I'll rate this at 8, but I would give a partner at least a MONTH before having sex with her, I think 1 night stands are not good for anyone, I mean most people that do that end up regretting what they have done, and worse, could get some kind of illness.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (8 February 2012):
I personally feel that having a fulfilling sexual life is a critical component to a happy and lasting relationship. Just look at how many people come here and ask for advice because their girlfriend / boyfriend / wife / husband seemingly isn't as interested in having sex as they once were. Also, I would never blame a partner for cheating and I'm not the type to cheat anyway, but it's a whole lot easier to stay faithful when the sex is out of this world.
Now, I'm not going to minimize the other areas of compatibility like beliefs, religion, values, shared interests and personality... however, because sex is so important I'm going to have to say that sexual attraction rates a 9+ on your scale. I don't need a super model obviously, but if the attraction isn't there then I just can't see myself with a woman. Not for any real length of time anyway.
I think that's part of what makes finding "the one" a challenge. There are a lot of key areas of compatibility that have to fall into line, mutual attraction being one of them. Maybe I rate it a bit higher than a woman would, but I think attraction is almost universally important. For that matter, I wouldn't want to be with a woman who didn't find me sexy. I just don't believe a relationship where the woman likes me for my brain or something like that has a solid enough foundation to last.
Hope this helps!
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male
reader, almorr +, writes (8 February 2012):
Very much so, but I would give a partner at least a MONTH before having sex with her/him, I think 1 night stands are not good for anyone, I mean most people that do that end up regretting what they have done, and worse, could get some kind of illness.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 There's no "should". You decide for yourself how important it is for YOU. What others feel or think doesn't matter in it.
Personally, I think it's about a 7-8. Not the most important thing, but definitely of high importance. Without sexual attraction you have a friendship, not a romantic interest....
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I'd say at least a 7 .
What you say makes a lot of sense, and it's how things SHOULD be,unluckily it's not how it goes. Becase if your pheromones or whatyoucallem don't call out to the other person and viceversa... if you don't feel you want to touch her kiss her hold her etc.etc...there's nothing to do, no amount of education, good conversation, common interests etc. will convince you to desire , really desire a person, and without that you can develop a great friendship maybe, but not a love relationship.
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reader, mammer69 +, writes (8 February 2012):
I would say no more then a five or 6. if you have the conection of you loving the person and love being around them and love who they are and who you are when you are around them then the sex will come. but sex should never be the reason for getting together with some one unless you and that other person is looking just for sex and that is it. the love of being with some one is why you should start the relationship and why you should hang on to it not because they are good in bed or you love the way they look. if you love that persons heart and mind then the physical attraction will come along. that doesn't mean you should just throught the pysical attraction factor out the window. you should weigh it against weather you actually like being around this person or not. But over all sex isn't that important in a relationship, nor should be physical attraction. I hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Sexual attraction is important in the first instance, but you need the other factors as a follow on - shared views, sense of humour, interests in common - otherwise it is a very hollow attraction. Have you ever thought someone very attractive only to get into conversation with them and find that you are not attracted to them at all - I know I have. Also, in the long run, looks fade so there has to be more to the person than sexual allure that draws you to them. On your scale I'd put sexual attraction at 7, but as a relationship settles in and deepens I would put it at 5.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): 10 and 8 at the very least
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I personally think it needs to start out a 7+ at least. It doesn't mean the other person have to be a super model, but they have the have that "je nais se quoi" about them. Something that just makes you want to touch them and be near them.
However, I do think you have to more then JUST sexual attraction, which is why I'm a HUGE fan of not jumping in to bed with in the first 2-4 months - it everything else is a good fit, such as values, morals, humor, intelligence and for some sharing the same religious beliefs. Personally I think waiting is good for the build up. Rather then "just do it".
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2012):
 It's higher than I think you would like it to be. I think janniepeg is right it's around 7 or 8.
But that's after the initial OMG have to have you kind of thing. I think that often old time arranged marriages started out as NON-attraction sexually and stayed together after years and years of just getting comfortable with each other and not having anything else to compare it to.
I know for me that I want to walk in the door at night and see my partner and want to hug and kiss and cuddle.... if i was not attracted to him it would be a roommate that shares my bed....
Sex in a long term romantic relationship is not the be all to end all but it is IMPORTANT....
of course it waxes and wans much like anything...so there are weeks or months where we are minimally sexual... and then there are times we are like rabbits and "make up" for the last few weeks of "hi how are you"..... we look at the average...
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2012):
It's higher than I think you would like it to be. I think janniepeg is right it's around 7 or 8.
But that's after the initial OMG have to have you kind of thing. I think that often old time arranged marriages started out as NON-attraction sexually and stayed together after years and years of just getting comfortable with each other and not having anything else to compare it to.
I know for me that I want to walk in the door at night and see my partner and want to hug and kiss and cuddle.... if i was not attracted to him it would be a roommate that shares my bed....
Sex in a long term romantic relationship is not the be all to end all but it is IMPORTANT....
of course it waxes and wans much like anything...so there are weeks or months where we are minimally sexual... and then there are times we are like rabbits and "make up" for the last few weeks of "hi how are you"..... we look at the average...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I would rate it a 7. If you and your partner view sex highly, then it means you have one common value already. I would not rate it after common interests and compatability. It's equally important. It's just that when people get older you get a narrower field when it comes to attractive people. The older you get the more you settle for comfort and stability. Physical appearance is only a trigger and the attraction may not last because looks can fade after time. Sexual attraction can die when other parts of the relationship is not working. So what you put in in the relationship and how you do in bed works hand in hand. Our brain sometimes is dumb. What it thinks is good for us may not be true after all. Media promotes sex, at the same time society and church suppresses those desires (starting from young) so when one beautiful person comes into our lives, we get blinded when we are already so affection starved.
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