A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a really awkward situation with my sisters at the moment and I don't know what to do without upsetting one of them. My twin sister, Natalie, is getting married this year and my older sister, Joanne, thought it would be a nice idea if her daughter sang at the wedding. She didn't ask Natalie if was ok to do this but just told her daughter to start practising a song. She's 12 years old, I think she has a nice enough voice but I don't know, it's not amazing and I feel like it will look like some school talent show, not a wedding! But she ended up telling Natalie and she thinks Joanne suggested it so she could show my niece off to all of our family.Natalie's little boy who is 10 decided he wanted to sing at the wedding too and it's all turning in to a bit of a farce! My sisters fiancé thinks it's a terrible idea and wonders why a big fuss should be made of her niece when they have children.I told Joanne my nephew would feel left out and he was going on about singing too but now she's taken it to mean that we want all of the children doing some kind of thing at the speeches so nobody feels left out. She's asked me to get my kids involved and to be honest I think it's a ridiculous idea.My sister really struggled to tell her that she didn't want our niece singing but now Jo is saying she's planning it as a surprise where all the kids do something, she thinks it's going to be a tear jerker but I feel really awkward.My sister is usually really sensible and we all get on really well but I have no idea what to say to her to get her to see she shouldn't do it. I told my twin that she was still planning on doing it, I feel bad about it, like I'm a gossip! But she's going to be mortified if this happens at the wedding.She asked me to make her not do it, but whenever I try to say something I start feeling like Jo will fall out with me for spoiling things. Because she's told my niece to start practising songs she's going to be upset when she realises my sister didn't want her to do it.How can I sort things out without falling out with everybody!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 No OP, what you say does not make you or Natalie sound like awful child-hating persons. Only as two sensible , reasonable adults who realize that there's a proper time and place for everything , and that a wedding is not any party whatsoever, in fact it is a serious,solemn event.
" Serious " does not have to be serious as in "boring, uppity and intimidating " - neither the bride and groom can allow their wedding to be turned into a circus by their guests, though.
One hour of singing children ? With dance routines ?- Well, why not also having the family dogs performing tricks then. Or a performance by the Uncle who won the hot-dog eating contest.
( Yes, I know I said that I thought the singing niece was a cute idea- I changed my mind as soon as I read " Bruno Mars " and " dancing routines " :)- It seems that , from ONE cute,sweet, tender moment things might sort of go out of control real fast.... ).
Best wishes to Natalie, I hope eventually she can hadle the issue to her total satisfaction, and causing as least feelings as possible. But if the little cherubs should be upset- so be it, I say. I don't think that teaching children that there are different boundaries in different social situations, and that it's not all about them, and that they are not entitled to do whatever they feel like doing JUST because they are 12 and under, is child abuse or cruelty. I think in fact it's a precious lesson, and a precious gift which will help them a lot in life later on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): I'm quite confused by the last answer. I want to make it really clear that the wedding is not some massive event and she isn't spending heaps and heaps on it, nope Prince William will not be there nor will we be using silver spoons to eat the cake :)
The issue is that we have lots of children in our family, I don't think it's really a good idea to dedicate like over an hour to watch them all get up on stage to perform. Nobody will be sitting them down and telling them all to shut up and go sit in the corner because we don't want to hear them, that doesn't mean she should turn the wedding into some kind of talent show.
Sorry if that makes me sound like some awful child hating person, but I'm really not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Tell Jo that Natalie doesn't want any kids performing at her weddingn and to adress it to her if she has a problem witb that, no child surprises.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): I personally think that children at weddings ruin them! I have lost count of the amount of times I've been unable to listen to a ceremony due to a child crying or running riot & the daft parents not bothering to quieten them or take them out.
At the reception it is guaranteed they will run around, make noise during the speeches & throw their food around or sit in the middle of the dance floor , having a tantrum!
Having to be subjected to a "talent show" would be torture!! Leave things like that for school!!!
I do have children myself aged 4 & 7, I love them dearly but unlike some parents im not deluded that they are "cherubs" & I never bring them to a wedding out of principle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Yes, re-think after reading others answers, it is their day and if it makes them unhappy then it is not the right thing to do, she is the only diva on this special day, I agree.
Why not compromise and have them do it at the early evening party, probably more appropriate and the timing and venue fitting.
I quite like Prince William but would still kick any little silver tush out for gate crashing and any other crooning celebrity, who hijacked their special day.
Glad Im not the one going to tell the little cherubs :)L@@k your services are not going to be needed, sorry about all your rehearsing but it is just not of a high enough standard and you will not outshine the bride and groom. I know your only young 12 so probably have a shit voice that bares no comparison to a celebrity voice and nor have you booked in advance, you need to sit down and be quite because no one is interested or going to listen to you anyway, your a child.
therefore my little family of cherubs, Your gift is not wanted get over it!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Hi, thanks for taking the time to answer. I'm feeling even more stressed about this today because my twin sister keeps asking if I've spoken to her yet to sort it out. I feel like it's all up to me to resolve!I think Natalie wants the wedding to be as family oriented as possible, it's not a huge expensive wedding that's kind of fake or anything. It's just the fact that her fiancé has children from a previous marriage and he has lots of nieces and nephews. If we included them all it would eat into the entertainment that she's already booked and it's expensive!When my sisters little boy found out about this singing idea he started going on about singing Bruno Mars and making some kind of dance routine and getting all carried away lol. As much as I love seeing the kids putting on little shows and performing in front of us, I don't think a wedding is the right time to do it really. Plus no, I don't think it would be different if a celebrity showed up, or even Robert DeNiro lol! It's more about the fact that she thinks Jo is trying to showcase my niece, Natalie's fiancé has a little girl the same age and if the wedding is all about family and making them feel special then his children should come first really.I'm going to have to tell Natalie to sort it out because it isn't my business really, I'm going to try and stay out of it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 February 2016):
I disagree with the anon female. Weddings are not supposed to be about " families "- not in Western cultures, at least. Maybe Christmas, we can make it about families, and what every single member of the family wants , and try to make them all happy. But a wedding is the bride and groom's special day. They rule. They pick and choose. Everything should be the way THEY like it.
Now, personally I think the idea of the singing niece is sort of cute, and so what if she is not really Kiri Te Kanawa, this is not a royal wedding either.
BUT : I am not the one getting married, Natalie and her fiance' are. And if for whatever reason they are not enamoured with the idea of the singing kids - then there should not be any.
Besides, it's never a good idea springing up last minute surprises on a bride. It would be like bringing a new actor on a movie set to " surprise " the movie director. He will be surprised all right, but negatively , even if you bring him De Niro- because by now the cast has been chosen , te roles assigned etc. according to HIS vision, and he does not want to make the movie " better ", he wants to make HIS movie.
I thought this would be sort of intuitive, also considering that, like some other poster has mentioned, wedding musicians get paid by the hour, so an extra half an hour , or even just 15 minutes of their time , can be a COSTLY
surprise.
Maybe that's what Natalie can stress when nixing the singing project- that the musical entertainment has been already planned , timed and allotted, and there's no space - or budget- for variations.
And I think she can simply and frankly say that having the kids sing is a lovely idea but let's keep it for Xmas or Easter or some other family reunion. At her wedding she does not need or want anything to steal her thunder, she is supposed to be the one and only star of the show- and if this sounds a little egomaniac, well, it is also TRUE anyway : hopefully this is the first and only time she gets married, she is entitled to have ONE day that's all about her .
I agree though that the task of informing Joanne belongs to Natalie. Not to you. Don't let yourself be used as the cat's paw . You've got nothing to do with this little drama, and you should not interfere. As it is right that Natalie takes the " movie direction " of her wedding day- it's also right though, that she grows a pair and spells out what she likes and dislikes.
As for you being accused of spilling the beans and spoiling the " surprise "... ??? If I understood correctly it was the 12 y.o. niece who spilled the beans, not you. You do not have to be involved at all, unless you want to create even more pointless drama.
Will Joanna get offended ? Yes, probably, a little bit.How much it depends from how sensitive and diplomatic Natalie will be in stating her objections, and at the same time how sincere and honest. I think that if Joanna is disappointed she'll get over it soon. After all, she should understand that the focus of the day is on letting the bride have her perfect wedding and not in showcasing a 12 y.o. talents. And id she does not undertand that, well, then she richly DESERVES being contrasted and disappointed !!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): I don't have a solution but I do have a story that might make you laugh & realise how some people really do lose the plot over weddings....
When my friend got married, due to both her & her fiancé having a big family they opted not to have any bridesmaids or pageboys as they didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Her cousin clearly didn't want to accept this as she had been hinting she wanted her 2 daughters in the wedding! She found out the brides wedding colour scheme & kitted out her 2 daughters in matching bridesmaids dresses & on the day pretended they were bridesmaids - my friend had no clue so was stunned when she saw them on the wedding day dressed as they were!
To top it all off the rest of her family had a go at her as they thought she had lied to the rest of them about not wanting bridesmaids!!
Fortunately the truth did come out in the end but it almost ruined her wedding!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): I'm sorry to hear that you've been put in this awkward situation.
I was in a similar situation 2 years ago for my own wedding...
We got married in Ireland as my husband is Irish & had a lovely wedding however his Aunt - who is a Irish Dancing Teacher was planning on surprising us by bringing 15 of her students aged 8-15 to our wedding in the evening to do 20 minutes of Irish dancing for us. It was a lovely idea however my fiancé wasn't keen & & it would have caused some difficulties...
Firstly we had an evening wedding so by the time the would have done their dancing there would have been very little time for any guests to dance.
Secondly his Aunt suggested that after they dance she wanted the children to stay on as guests for the evening & also some of their parents who were dropping them off... The venue wasn't huge so we wouldn't have been able to accommodate extra people.
In the end my mother in law had to tactfully explain that due to the time of the wedding & space in the venue it wouldn't be possible but she suggested his aunt could film her class doing the Dancing & giving it to us as a wedding gift which she did. She was a little put out as she felt her gesture wasn't welcomed but she did eventually get over it.
I think your sister Natalie needs to speak to Jo directly & get you out of the middle as you will be the 1 getting the brunt of it.
Suggest Jo films the children instead & gives it to you both as a wedding gift- they could do a "britains got talent" type thing for you to enjoy.... Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): Janniepeg is correct. Natalie is the one to talk to Jo, and you should be honest and explain why you ratted her out.
A wedding is a formal occasion followed by the reception where all the guests should have an equal amount of fun.
No one should outshine the bride and groom, and you are very much correct that the kid thing is a little silly. I think Joanne is a doting mother who thinks her daughter is a budding talent; and it's all a bit self-indulgent. She is throwing a wrench in the works. She's very much aware this would be awkward; and she's counting on the possibility that no one can really come right out an ask her to can the kiddy-show. It's to give her little songstress a singing debut; and by all proper etiquette, it's out of order.
Tell her to save the kiddy-show for a holiday family gathering. It's Natalie's day and she she chooses the performers and the band. it's not a surprise, it's an ambush. Bands and photographers are paid by the hour, and unexpected surprises cause confusion. Unless celebrities crash the wedding. That's a whole different ball of wax!
If Prince William shows up, say hello for me!
The kids should be in the background, seen and not much heard!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): Everyone to their own, all depends what we as individuals class as a special moment.Moderation I agree with and the correct timing.I personally class anything like this as a 'special moment' or two, out of a lifetime. I would rather have the natural beauty of children than the plastic flowers and matching napkins. I like bare feet and wild flowers, you know the flowers that are never invited to weddings.As much singing as possible,laughter and memories of the old man who still has the grove, before he kicks the bucket.I think children(ANYONE)practising singing in front of a church load of strangers and family is a special wedding GIFT, and needs to be handled very gently if rejected.Question 'would it be different if it were a celebrity star singing for them? Marriage is supposed to be about love, families, not about embarrassment, and image.It's a Gift!!!!! and so what if they have the worst vocals ever...who would want to insult a child or feel embarrassed about a child, is beyond me...Give me reality over plastic any day.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Nathalie needs to talk to Jo. She should plan for events. Timing can be tight and you want the best performers there. Jo may think, it's a maximum 8 minutes for two songs. That shouldn't be a problem to squeeze those two in. She will be surprised, how quickly the program goes that night. Some people really look for quality, while others feel it's very sweet to have family members sing. It means much more than when you have to pay a stranger professional. On my brother's wedding day, I sang and he also paid a string quartet who all graduated from Julliard. That quite fit well with the Four Seasons Hotel venue. My parents are snobbish people so they are all about perfection. Around that time I also looked at many youtube wedding videos and more often than not, the performances are mediocre. It's more from the heart than quality, perfect pitch and musicality. At the end what matters is how Natalie feels. It's her wedding.
Nathalie may be worried about upsetting Jo but she has to be the one talking to her. Don't be the middle man here. It would be better if Nathalie acted quickly enough and had told Jo that she already arranged a singer.
A compromise can be, the kids can sing at the before and after parties, or they can record their songs and then play it as background throughout the ceremony.
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