A
female
age
51-59,
*odern Matisse
writes:This is not a specific question but just something I have been mulling over lately. I am 42 years old and have always been unlucky in love. I have a good job, I'm a nice person, not bad looking and without blowing my trumpet I think I have alot going for me. The problem is I have always attracted guys who did not have their act together and because I have always been a pretty together sort of person I think they believed I could sort their lives out.However, this is not the issue I am curious about. Another thing I have noticed over the years is that I have also always attracted the admiration of men who are at least 15 years older than me. (How many times have I heard married men say "If I was 20 years younger" - and mind you they would still be too old for me!!) I find it quite intriguing as I am not particularly old-fashioned and I have always been very contemporary in my tastes, dress, interests etc. Could it be that I am also quite friendly, able to talk about a wide range of subjects, mature and responsible in my outlook? The funny thing is that I have rarely had much luck with men in my age group. I don't have a problem with older men per se but when they start being nearly old enough to be my father it feels a bit strange.As I said, it's not really an issue I'm worried about. I have always been aware of it but have never really thought about the reasons behind it.Any thoughts?
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female
reader, Modern Matisse +, writes (13 October 2012):
Modern Matisse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, Just to clarify, I'm not particularly concerned with my situation as a single woman in my 40's. It was just a question that came up during a discussion with a workmate and I was curious to get her take on it. I work, I travel, I go out and do a wide variety of things with friends and family. I've never needed a man in my life to do these things but it would be nice to meet someone to share with. Also, I have been attracting older men since I was in my early 20's. Then it was men pushing 40 (I certainly didn't want a man with baggage at the age of 20). When I was 30, it was men pushing 50 etc etc. Mind you, I too have always looked at least 5-10 years younger than my age.As far as trophy wives go, I would never have considered myself 'trophy wife' material when I was younger either. I've never been that beautiful or glamourous!As far as men who never have their act together, they are younger as well as older. And yes, I'm beginning to get the feeling that a lot of single men out there are now looking for women who have their own home, bit of money etc. Sad but true. Again, than you all. It was great to get a wide range of responses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): What I have to offer as a single woman who is 44 is the face and body of a woman half my age and the maturity, confidence, humour, personality and experience of an older woman. In other words, the total package. I am fortunate that I am beautiful and have men dropping at my knees so I am definitely not in the norm because I look 15 years younger than I am and I am well above average in looks, but sadly men can be very shallow, at least the ones not worth a woman's time.It is rare that is for sure. Because what men do not get is that a woman who is older is more sure of themselves, has more to talk about, has had more experience, is generally more open to having fun and is not hung up on much. Been there, done that.Looks fade, but personality and internal qualities never do. Men are crazy to think they can recapture their youth by being with a younger woman. Whenever I see an older guy/young woman combo, I just laugh. It's absurd. When I was 30, last thing I would ever do is look at some old goat. I did not care if he had money or not! Really, any of these relationships that are based on someone's age, how much money they have etc. are not meant to last. The good, decent and SMART guys will get this. The others won't. And yes there are still some left out there. It is just a matter of time. I would focus on enjoying your life and not being so hung up on finding someone. He will come along when it's meant to be and when you're least expecting it... :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2012): Second anon male responding to second anon female."Guys that Are looking for trophy wives need to have lots of cash on their hands, don't they?"They need to at least make potential trophy wives believe that assumption. "Otherwise why would a beatifull much younger woman would be with someone that shallow who only looking for younger chicks and in addition has no money?"Absolutely no other reason, it's the standard quid pro pro: older guys trade money (or power or influence) to younger women in exchange for the illusion of ongoing youth and virility."Not every man looking for trophy wives. Majority of men looking for Life partner. Guys that look at you and so much older than you if they are smart realize it's not going to happen."I agree to a point, but will say the great majority of men over 40 so inclined have already long ago found their life partner, and those who are single due to not yet finding "the one," spouse's untimely death or spouse's infidelity are a significant minority of unattached older guys."Unfortunately some like anon.poster men are so full of themselves that they don't care if they hVe something to offer."I am not full of myself, believe me I am completly aware of my myriad shortcomings age-related and otherwise, my response was from the POV of being one of the seemingly few guys my age who is NOT interested in a trophy girlfriend (or boyfriend, gay guys my age even worse as far as wanting and chasing much younger "soulmates"). "They manage to live all their life like silly teenagers looking for a mother to take care of them, but they want a woman who will look good, independent and also 20 years younger."Absolutely agree 100%"Now, how realistic is it?"Not realistic at all, but I have yet to convince any trophy-hunting guy my age that he looks and acts our age, as they still want to believe that much younger women (and guys) are genuinely attracted to them because they are still hot virile studs who can still get it up, and any smart gold-digging girl (or guy) knows that they shouldn't have to directly ask for money and expensive presents, they simply have to flatter and fluff their way into financial security by stroking egos and other more tangible male entities. I guess what I should have made clearer to OP that there are high-quality available guys her age available, it just takes an enormous amount of weeding out to find one. OP is not "unlucky" in love, she's just caught in a numbers game as I'd guess most guys she would encounter in typical singles environments fit my arch-stereotype profile. OP can find a truly mutually compatible guy, but it will require creativity and hard work on her part.
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A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (9 October 2012):
I agree with the first anonymous male poster. Men over 40 prefer dating a younger woman. This is especially true if they have waited to settle down and start a family, but it holds even if that is not a consideration. The flip side of the coin is that many women, but of course not all, are more than happy to date an older man - in the 5-10 years older bracket. Men that are a little older are in general more financially secure and are more experienced, both of which are appealing.So in your 40's you are competing for men your age with women who are in their 30's. I don't agree that men are looking for a trophy, they are just seeing the pool of women who are willing to date them and in many cases going toward the younger end of it.I recognize this can make it difficult for a woman over 40 to find a man her own age to date, but that's the way it is. Never fear, though. It is a numbers game. If you meet enough men, you will definitely find some your age who are romantically interested.-Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): Guys that Are looking for trophy wives need to have lots of cash on their hands, don't they? Otherwise why would a beatifull much younger woman would be with someone that shallow who only looking for younger chicks and in addition has no money?Not every man looking for trophy wives. Majority of men looking for Life partner. Guys that look at you and so much older than you if they are smart realize it's not going to happen.Of course they will flirt with you, but if they are so much older what hope they can have to get you? There is always a trade of whether we want to admit it or not. If they cant offer you looks, they should offer you something like personality or money.Unfortunately some like anon.poster men are so full of themselves that they don't care if they hVe something to offer. They manage to live all their life like silly teenagers looking for a mother to take care of them, but they want a woman who will look good, independent and also 20 years younger.Now, how realistic is it?
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Hi
I have always had younger men after me,I have never gone looking,flirted or anything.They usually have their life sorted but have been married and don't want the younger women as they mean wanting a family etc. I havent been chatted up by older men since I was 17/18!
My current man is lovely,14 years younger,job,own home, act together.We get along just fine too,he's asked me to move in but so far I have declined.Although I dont dwell on his age I do sometimes think 'its ok now,but in 10yrs....'.
I have never wondered why this younger man thing happens it just does.You must have qualities an older man prefers, I wouldn't knock it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): Believe me you are not alone!
Men never think they are too old for any age group.
I m in my 40s also, and I have a grown up daughter who is in her 20s. I told her recently that old guys are the ones who always hitting on me. She said , me too. I started laughing and said ,well your old and my old are two different things. She said, no, not relly, my guys are as old as yours, in their 60s and 70s.
It's not thAt you attract guys who don't have their act together, it's that in our age group guys who remain single just don't have their act together,may be that's the reason they are single.not all of course, but majority.
A single woman is a very different situation then a single man. Women as yourself single or not will be taking care of their finances, house, etc. They won't go around drinking and picking up strangers for casual sex. But this is what single men would do. Majority, not all. This is why when you see someone your age being single for a long time or their whole life, this is what you see. A guy who even if he makes good money is covered with debt, has some kind of light addiction of some kind, constantly promising himself to never do it again. Plus, they get lazy with age, have no enthusiasm of doing anything, even sex is bothersome to them.
So, I don't think you should take it personally at all. This is just how it is. And tell you the truth I wouldn't want to be single nowadays. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): "Older guys want me, but with guys my age I strike out! Why am I unlucky in love?"
From an almost-60 guy: Guys your age who are looking for women want a trophy girlfriend/wife decades younger than them while guys my age who are looking for women want a trophy girlfriend/wife decades younger than them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): As men get older, they want women around 10-15 years younger. If you look at online dating profiles, most men your age prefer women in their thirties.... Once you are over 40, men in their thirties and forties won't be as inclined to seek out women in this age group to settle down with.
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