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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is nearly 27 and I am 21, we have been together for 2yrs and 2 months and we have a great relationship. He is my best friend and although we do not live together, I stay at his house every night. Problem is, its not his house, its his mums. He won't leave because he'd feel guilty for leaving her on her own, even though his brother and sister live very nearby. His mother is late 50's and still in full time work. I can;t see our relationship as having a future unless he is willing get his own place, which he can more than afford to do. I'm sick of feeling as though there are 3 people in this relationship - she's ALWAYS there. I can't really talk to my boyfriend about this as he won't entertain the idea of leaving, or he'll think i'm pressuing him. What do I do? I don't want us to break up!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2006): Your bf has chosen to live at home, something which he has done since you and he began this relationship with him 2 years ago. Part of being an adult yourself, is accepting that you made this choice to be with him knowing of this living arrangement with his Mother. What also startles me most about your letter, is that you are complaining about how "she's ALWAYS there" when in fact, she OWNS the home, pays the mortgage (if any) pays the property taxes, maintenance and general upkeep and you stay under that very roof she provides, every night with your bf- very likely eating her food, using her utilities (showers/toilets), sitting on her furniture. (btw, are you contributing finances..sounds like you are a permanent resident there, as well) I think in spite of things, she seems to be behaving rather graciously and nicely to you, don't you think? Your bf has a strong committment to his family and I commend him for that. Some people hold high standards when it comes to family values, bonds and solidarity. You knew this going into this relationship with him-you have no right to live in her home and then whine about the very person who is near and dear to his heart and has helped him become the person he is. Dear, you are not the "center of the universe, " requiring everyone to change to accept your thoughts and opinions on the way they should live. I say, accept this and be very, very kindly and respectful to this lady who permits you to sleep with her son, in HER home. Her financial help may someday benefit you as it may be giving him a 'better kickstart and footing" into acquiring his own property and making his own start, in life, someday. Just accept this or if you can't, you may just have to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006): I do not wholely agree with Dr Pete. Just because the mom can support herself, and just because other siblings live nearby, it doesn't mean the other siblings will care enough about the mom. I am in a similar situation. The difference being though, I am pretty much the head of the family (though I give my dad that illusion the he's boss). I pay for the house mortgage, groceries, bills, car maintenance, and bits and pieces here and there. On top of that, I know for a FACT that my brother won't help out. Reason being he believes he should help himself before anyone else. This is all fine and dandy, and I noticed that is the bulk of today's westernized world's thinking, but I am not like that. I rather sacrifice a huge part of my freedom and welfare for my family than to leave them in the hands of those I question.
Yes, I want to move out, I want my own place, my own car, my own life. Hell, I can if I want to right now, but every time I entertain that thought, I think about the 3 decades of hardships my parents went through to try to give me and my bro a better life than what they had.
Of course there are compromises. I will try my best to treat her the best, but she has to understand that I MUST stabilize the welfare and security of my family BEFORE I do anything else. This is called "duty". If my girlfriend cannot understand and cannot accept that then damn that would really suck. However, I also would understand if she wishes to leave me to pursue a happier life. Yes, it WILL break my heart, but my first duty is to my family. When things settle, then my concentration would be diverted to my companion and our future together.
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female
reader, Sis6372 +, writes (11 May 2006):
Deal with it. My 28 year old boyfriend lives with his parents (they are 66 and 77). And I love it. I live there and so do our kids (they are 3 and 5). We can afford our own place, but we are one big happy family and without us his parents would be bored. It might bug you but you need to deal. Don't push too hard or your lose. Sorry I know this isn't the answer you wanted, it wasn't what I wanted at first either, but I wouldn't trade it for the world now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006): I think first things first, you need to stop spending EVERY night at his house. He needs to compromise and come and stay at yours. Is this possible?
If you break up you will look back on this relationship and resent that you had to go over and stay with him every night, even if at the moment you are happy to see him at his.
This larger problem of him refusing to move out though, well as a bloke who is his age (but who doesn't live with his mum!) I have to tell you how nice it is to live with your mum, especially if she cooks and cleans for you! - it will take some work to get him to leave these conviences!
At his age though, he does need to consider independence from her now. He needs to make a choice - he'll have to one day - or is he planning on staying with her until her death?
I'm SURE there is compromise here whereby he can still live near to her. He could then see her frequently and make sure she is doing alright [although; she seems to be fine; if shes still working full time then she is more than capable of looking after herself]
I think you should work on spending less time around his house, and pushing the idea of him becoming more independent. If he won't even compromise on not spending any nights away from his house then I think it shows a lack of commitment on his part. It would show that he is not yet mature enough to be independent or have a more commited relationship. Good luck with it!
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