| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem. My partner is 15 years older than I am. I am not boasting but I am a very attractive, vivacious and in shape woman. I have had some issues with anxiety in the past but now with the proper medications and therapy, I have come a long, long way. I have honestly changed for the better. My therapist said I no longer need therapy, that I have arrived at where I need to be. It was hard work to get there! But I did it! After all of this progress, I feel sometimes that my partner somehow tries (whether it is done on purpose or not) to sabotage my happiness and newfound confidence in myself. It almost seems like he is threatened by the new ME. I don't think a partner should be threatened by this. I think they should be proud of you. It means I am a better person and it is better for our relationship to be at peace and feel comfortable rather than plagued with anxiety. We had a lot of issues before and I did my part. I truly did. He went away on a trip for awhile. He was away for 2 months. I have a son to take care of and cannot just pick up and go away for 2 months. But he did. And I went on with my life. I improved myself. I went to fitness classes. Reconnected with friends and family. I did all kind of things on my own. I proved I was stronger than I ever thought I could be. And I felt this great sense of PEACE come over me while I was living my life without him.He is back now. And I am starting to feel like his own controlling nature and insecurities are resurfacing and causing me to relapse! I will NOT relapse because of his own issues affecting ME! I will not go back to that person I used to be! I did not like her. She wasn't me.He tells me I cannot wear a sexy outfit because my boobs are showing and does not want other men looking at me. I have been working out and I am more confident of my body now. When I was 20 pounds heavier I was not. But I feel I have earned it. I just feel better about myself and more comfortable in my own skin. I have enlisted the help of a nutritionist to help me eat properly. I take vitamins. I have just done a complete overhaul of the old me. I felt after I got better with my mental health issues, I would continue taking care of all the other areas I neglected. I did not sleep well. Now I do. I did not eat properly. Now I do. I did not work out. Now I do. He also tries to tell me how to manage my money and gets over the top angry at me if I spend it. Well, I do not tell him how to manage his money. I do not get angry at him when he spends his, which is rarely (unless he decides to travel without me) because since I have known him, he has always been stingy with money and incredibly cheap. I am not. I am generous with my money. He tries to micro manage my spending habits but he isn't my husband! What right does he have? He starts to give me passive aggressive treatment if I do things he doesn't like. Like spend money. He knows it hurts me when he pulls his affection away (which is exactly what he does as a form of passive aggressive punishment!) but does it anyway. I told him if he doesn't like something, to speak up and not act like an immature child. Just tell me and we can discuss it like adults. I don't care if it hurts me. I would rather he is honest. But he is also a people pleaser and often stuffs his own feelings not to cause waves or rock the boat. But this is a huge problem because he keeps it all bottled up inside and resentment builds and builds to the point where it blows up and he does something nasty. Why allow it to get to that point when you could have discussed it right away and nipped it in the bud?? Instead, he just switches off and I feel like he is pulling away and punishing me. It is just his way and it is HURTFUL to me! But he is so immersed in his own feelings that he doesn't see me at all. There is no empathy. He cannot communicate properly or at all. And if I talk or express my feelings, he tells me to stop because he heard me the first time and I don't need to go on and on about something. He literally tries to control how much I am allowed to say. And cuts me off if he decides I am talking TOO much. He says I am too opinionated. He also turns everything around on me. Blaming me and deflecting his own behavior. I am tired of that. Whenever I speak up, he gets angry, accuses me of abusing him, sulks, threatens to leave or says this relationship isn't going to work out. Yadda yadda yadda. I have heard this a thousand times before. He blames me for not being happy without seeing that the reason I am not happy is that he reverts back to bad behavior which sabotages my happiness!!!! Another example. He knows I have called him out on looking at other women in the past and how I feel it is demeaning not only to me but to them. We are not play things for him or any man to ogle. We are just going about our daily lives. I feel like his low self esteem makes him do things like seek out female validation, even though he has a beautiful young girlfriend who loves him so much! I feel as if he does not see what he has beside him, while scoping out a room! Isn't it funny that while he is looking at other women, the other men in the room are looking at ME!!? He has stopped this behavior for the most part. But yesterday he reverted back to it. I would guess it is because I am too confident and he needs to stir the pot. Everything seems to be going well and he has to press the button... he knows it all too well... and boom, I get upset and all the progress I have made is out the window. It is like he sets me up to fail. Why does he want to see the ANXIOUS me I have tried so hard to put behind me? I get angry with myself for lowering myself to that. I am better! I have changed! What kind of a person does that to someone they love? Tries to hurt their significant other in order to feel superior or wanted? He knows I love him. Why would he need to go to such extremes? So yesterday he looked at some women in our fitness class. She was much older and literally a skeleton in her physique. Why would he do this when he has me? I refuse to compete for his attention. I will not do that. I would rather step away. It really bothers me that he needs to play these games after being in a long term relationship with me. What am I supposed to do? When things are good, they are so good! But when he acts this way, it just keeps going from one extreme to the other. Good to bad. I can't live in extremes. I don't want or need a rollercoaster relationship. It is bad for my mental health. I need to feel safe. I need to be ME. I cannot go on like this. I have dealt with my issues. But he has not had therapy to deal with his issues. Only me. And I feel he is still his old self but I am a new person. I feel I have grown but I don't think he has enough self awareness to have grown at all. Everything seems to be my fault. He cannot stand when I am confident. Likely because I am attractive and he feels he is not attractive enough. Because I am younger and he thinks he is too old for me. Because I am fit and he isn't. He seems pretty insecure with a younger woman. It is like an adversarial relationship. It is like he wants the upper hand and it is not equal. I just feel something is off. And because of his own insecurities, he tries to control me and drag me down. That is so wrong on all levels and unfair to me. Maybe he needs to find someone old like himself and maybe he will be happy? Or someone who he can control? I feel that I cannot be who he wants me to be. An insecure, dependent, subservient, tolerant woman who accepts whatever he wants to do. He likes to travel without me and goes away for months at a time. He does it whether I like it or not. And I am having a hard time accepting his blatant selfishness and disregard for my feelings. It bothers me more because I would never say to him, babe, I am going away for 2 months and not be bothered by not seeing him for that long. And leaving whether he likes it or not. He is planning to go away again in the winter for possibly 2 months!! And I seriously question if he is the right man for me, even though I LOVE HIM and he has many good qualities. It is not the good qualities I am questioning. It is the bad ones and they are the ones I can't seem to live with. :(Am I being too hard on this man? Over analyzing things? Making too much out of nothing? Should I just stop over analyzing everything and be happy with what he have like he says? Or do I have a right to be concerned or to ask questions? I need the opinion of people who are not IN this relationship, from the outside looking in. All advice would be so appreciated. I am at a loss at the moment. I feel like I just can't win here.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Letligon  +, writes (1 June 2022):
I'll give you a short answer. he likes you, I believe he really loves you, that is why he gets controlling, now, I don't ever recommend u wearing clothes that are a bit slutty to show off your body, you invite some bad things into your life and I assure you the world can live without seeing your chest and belly, overall I can recommend you to go to couple therapy but the biggest thing is he needs to control his anger, and if you feel alive without him, its fine see if you can get some time apart from each other it's a good thing, let your hearts miss each other a bit, being with someone 24/7 is like suffocating and it won't be as special in all relationships, he wants to teach u about how to manage your money, he wants you to be better, think about it from his side of the point I can go on but I think u get the point
~~ Best of luck and success in your relationship
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2022): Forget the age difference. You are two insecure,immature, needy, anxious people together. That makes you suitable for each other. But as a therapist I know that what usually happens with an anxious person with mental health problems is they seek out a safe secure person who is going to be their crutch, someone they can totally rely on to help them when they have an episode, give them all of the reassurance they crave and all the rest. It rarely happens because sorted people are not interested in a relationship where they are a part therapist (though unqualified and inexperienced and unknowledgeable and making a lot of huge mistakes), part listening ear, part carer. Why would they? They want a relationship for love and fun and to be as supportive for them as they are for the other person.
Otherwise it is a burden, hard work, too serious, all negatives for them. Someone who is very anxious and has mental health problems totally forgets there is nothing in it for the sorted person to date them or get involved with them, they only see it from their own point of view and their own needs. So what happens, they drift through life meeting various losers, users and idiots and complain.
And they say oh dear this one was no good because of.
Failing to see that it is the same for their partner when their partner looks at them.
Can you imagine if you were very poor and you were insisting that it is out of order that every one you find for a relationship is poor too? Or you are incredibly ugly and you complain because all of the people you meet who are interested are hideous too? It makes sense that would happen a rich person seeks out other rich people, they want others who worked hard and are smart and good with money same as them. Not freeloaders. And gorgeous looking people can get and want others who are.
It stands to reason that if you have mental health problems, the worse they are and the more difficult they are the more your choices of future partner will be restricted to people who are similar.
You cannot update. You cannot insist that if you have twenty flaws - big flaws - the other one has no flaws.
Why would a person with no flaws at all want a person with loads of them when they can get another person with no flaws at all? They are looking to be happy not to be a comfort and convenience to someone with problems.
You now know that your partner is the same as you.
You ought to be able to understand a lot of what is going on with him because you are in many ways the same.
It sounds as if you are so keen on having a partner you do not look at the qualities the person has and grab onto anyone, he probably did the same thing. It happens a lot with people who are lonely or have mental health problems or both.
The point is that you can ditch this toxic relationship -calling it that. But then what? Will you be all alone?
Because you are not in a position to insist that a new partner is more perfect and more sorted than you, it will never happen.
I often used to get my therapy clients deciding that they would have a relationship with me!! Ridiculous. Not only was I very happily married but they would have been the last people on this earth that could make me happy.
Some of them were keen because they did not work, had no money and thought they could move into my lovely big house and live off of my earnings, constantly turning to me for love, acceptance, a hand to old, like their full time unpaid therapist. Their mother, mentor and therapist rather than an equal partner.
Remember that if I had been the same as them - unemployed, no money etc, they would not have wanted me at all, they would have turned their nose up at me, double standards.
Perhaps this is sort of what is happening with you.
You think it is fine for you to have mental health issues
and expect people to be happy to take you on. But you complain when your partner has those same issues?
Forgetting that if he did not have them he would be with a sorted woman? Not a woman with your problems?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2022): "What am I supposed to do? When things are good, they are so good! But when he acts this way, it just keeps going from one extreme to the other. Good to bad. I can't live in extremes. I don't want or need a rollercoaster relationship. It is bad for my mental health. I need to feel safe. I need to be ME. I cannot go on like this. I have dealt with my issues."
This is called having an epiphany. You've awakened from a coma or deep-sleep. You're having a new revelation on life! Sweetheart, this is what healing feels like!
Most of the issues you've described in your post are typical of romantic-relationships with a significant age-difference. There will be obstacles and challenges unique to those kinds of relationships; and you have to have your eyes and ears open when you commit to people with the knowledge of differences like age, race, political-ideology, moral-values, or religion. These are those obstacles that stick-out like a sour thumb, visible to everybody, deep-set, and preset. The challenge is to overcome those differences to make the relationship work. Then there is incompatibility. Incompatibility isn't always evident at the onset of a relationship; sometimes it develops over time. You can start-out seeing eye-to-eye on just about everything; and you may have so much in-common you are nearly a clone or reflection of your mate. Then something happens called "growth." Changes set-in that upsets the applecart; because things are no longer routine or predictable. For me, I can't live life without change and self-improvement. That's why I returned to my faith in God; it challenges me to want to be kind, patient, at peace, generous, and one with God; even when it seems not many other people can relate, or even want to go there. It's the best thing that ever happened to me!
I like what having a relationship with God does for me, how it makes me feel, and they way I deal with my problems, disappointments, fears, failures, and daily-life as a whole. I feel safe, hopeful, and joyful. Not all the time, because I'm human, living with other humans; but I feel I have a special advantage I didn't have without faith. The problem is, you don't want to do a lot of the things you used to do; so people get frustrated when you don't want to get drunk, or hangout all night. You don't want to live a promiscuous lifestyle, gossip, be angry, hateful, or worship money. People you called friends even desert you when they see changes for the better; because it forces them to look at their own shortcomings and faults. It also upsets those demons they carry around, to see something clean and pure; sometimes your so-called friends turn on you. They tell you you've become too self-righteous, goody-goody, and no fun; even if you haven't said a single word against what they do. They feel guilty around you. Having to watch their language, and not have anger-tantrums. They feel they have to behave in your presence. I don't even ask them to. I would prefer they did, though!
If you no longer wish to do the things you know literally hurt you, or make you feel bad about yourself; they feel you're judging and scrutinizing them, because it's what they want to continue doing. That usually means it's time to part-ways. You only had your faults and bad-habits in-common. You were partners in crime.
I have changed for the better; and maybe they don't like my changes. Too bad! It's not up to me to change them, or judge them; just move on, and be me. I'd rather please God, than people. People can't do very much for me. I live the life that sets me at peace, I do the things that bring me joy; and be with people who have no problem with me living my life as a man of faith. I can be a better version of myself, with God's love and stamp of approval. That means more than anything a human can give me. No, life isn't without mishaps, pain, loss, suffering, or disappointment; but I do receive blessings, hope, peace of mind, and good-health. In spite of an ugly world! I'm not left out there hanging, with nobody, or nowhere to turn. I need simpler things; but I also have a lot of the things I've always wanted.
Reading-on in your post, it seems he liked you flawed and insecure; because it somehow made him feel superior. Free to do as he pleases, in spite of how it may adversely-affect you. A lot of it was attributed to your mental-health issues; but he exacerbated some of your problems. It made him feel you depended on him to make you feel safe, protected; while he got to call all the shots. He could gaslight you, and blame everything on your mental-health, not what he does that upsets you. You're being oversensitive, irrational, or childish. Nevermind he's staring so hard the clothes are falling off the woman standing across the room.
However, you will never be everything anybody could ever want; you will never find anybody who can fulfill your every wish and dream. People have eyes, and they will look at things, you have to be mature enough to let it go sometimes. You can't always help what your working eyeballs can see! Whether he's staring is subjective. If you're the jealous type, he's "staring" if his head happens to be turned in that direction; but he could be looking at something else. Looking and touching are different things. Although, Jesus considers lusting with your eyes is definitely a sin; so you've got him there!
Girlfriend, you were so buried in your insecurity and anxiety; you were probably oblivious to the hot mess he is. You now know what's best for you, because you are now the better you.
You've accepted or dismissed his faults; because you felt you had so many, you should feel honored that he cares to even be with someone like you. You lowered the bar so low; until age didn't even matter.
Let me tell you something. Therapy doesn't put anything there that wasn't already there; it brings out what is buried within you, broken, or underdeveloped. Healing starts when your resolve yourself to deal with what ails you! We run into challenges, fears, and trauma that causes us to behave a certain way. Unforgiveness of people who wronged us in someway robs us of inner-peace and freedom; and the bitterness makes us sick. In the mind, body, and soul! Forgiveness sets you free! It breaks the chains that bound us to people who hurt us.
We succumb to the pain and disappointments of life and lose hope. We convince ourselves that things will only get worse. We'll let one setback make us feel we'll never succeed; and we grieve and despair more than necessary over losses, or relent over people who were never right for us in the first-place. Knowing right off the bat, when we're with somebody who is wrong for us; but our laziness, neediness, and craving for acceptance/approval will sometimes make us settle for the absolute worst in humankind. We pretend they're salvageable, or we plan to rescue and change them. Sometimes we lean on others, and seek refuge in their care; we want them to control us, because we feel so out-of-control. That's how you end-up hooked-up with a narcissist! They have a special radar that detects weak and malleable people they can bully, manipulate, and destroy.
If we ourselves need work, we'll procrastinate on our self-development and self-improvement. We'll make excuses for our bad-behavior, or rationalize. Even worse, look for other people to blame. Hence, we'll align ourselves with people who "accept us as we are;" broken, messed-up, and pathetic. Those kind of people usually end-up in a series of abusive-relationships. They feel they're no-good, and let people treat them as such. When all is said and done, they are sometimes so lost and damaged; they may never heal!
We entangle ourselves in dysfunctional-relationships; when we know something is wrong with us, but can't quite put our finger on it. Yet expecting to getaway with stressing-out the people who try to love and care for us. Placing the burden of fixing us and/or compensating for the weaknesses we're too lazy or obnoxious to bother to work on. Pushing the patience of others to their limits, or vice versa. Finding "caretakers" who are willing to put-up with just about anything; for love's sake. Worse, being the one putting-up with anything for the sake of love. That's tragic!
When dating, we repeatedly seek a "type" that does us in, emotionally; or we give-up trying to make relationships work altogether, and go into a state of depression. Swearing life and the world has it in for us. Instead of learning from mistakes, we keep making the same mistakes over and over. Making excuses, and blaming it on other people.
Truthfully, I didn't like the me without Jesus. Prideful, selfish, snobbish, and I loved money too much. I was materialistic, I was self-conscious about my image and appearance; and full of vanity. The thing is, I wasn't even raised to be like this. I became like that when I became exposed to the world. People notice changes in us; and either they love it, or want to distance themselves from us. They try to discourage you, or lead you back to your bad-habits. Naturally, mean and nasty people feel uneasy around true Christian people. I don't mean the self-righteous holier-than-thou kind of church-people; but the meek, compassionate, tender-hearted, kind type of folk. The goodness shines or radiates from them before you even become acquainted with them. That's whom I try to be. Christlike. Love it or leave it!
You met someone when you were in a state of being in need of work and growth. That version of you settled for the faults and flaws he had; because you had, more or less, given-up on the person you truly are inside. The person who was probably traumatized, and stressed-out by unfortunate mishaps in your life. Maybe even your upbringing, past failed-relationships, and dysfunction passed-down through your family-history and home environment. Some people strive to overcome what broke them; while others just give-up and give-in to it. You broke free, and you found yourself. It was always there, you just had to do what it takes to bring it out of you. Believe it or not, it is also the kindness and mercy of God who heals us; even when we don't even realize it, or didn't ask.
You're seeing life through healthier eyes; and no longer through your pain and poor mental-health. You struggled through, and pushed past everything that held you back, and now you see that he is also one of the things in your life that was contributing to your unhealthiness. You thought he would fix you, because he seemed somewhat of a "daddy-figure." Now that you've discovered your own strength and confidence; you don't lean on others to make you feel validated, or worthy of approval. You love yourself in a healthy way; but not through conceit or vanity. I still take care of myself, I still like to be stylish, and well-groomed; I just don't have that "not a hair out of place" appearance I used to go overboard with. I'm comfortable with myself, and I like to help people. I don't know why I became that person that I was, when my parents never raised us like that. I'm always going to pray, and be a work in progress. I am happy that you see life through a clearer lens, and not through brokenness and insecurity. Now that's huge progress!
He isn't sabotaging your relationship; you're no longer in a state of brokenness that made you accepting of his faults and bad-behavior. You just wanted someone to love you; while you were in a state of disrepair. You were exhausted and beaten-up; and he was a temporary life-line, or so you thought. Now you see him for what he really is, and you attached your feelings; while you weren't healthy enough to really know what you were doing. Next time he goes on vacation, suggest that he keep going. Don't bother coming back.
We really don't have to tell you what you have to do. You know that you have to separate from whatever makes you sick. Addicts can't go back to their drugs or alcohol. Sinners can't go back to sinning. Healed-people can't go back to the people who make them feel broken and unhealthy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 May 2022):
 You know how much work it took for you to "change" yourself, to find a happier and healthier you. And that is great! Many people can't or give up because it's hard work.
This is WHO he is. He isn't going to change. And he doesn't LIKE change either. Especially YOUR change.
Are you still compatible? Were you EVER compatible?
I think with your newfound confidence you are no longer feeding his ego to the same extent and he resents that.
But I also think that YOU are making SURE he knows that you now have more options.
You want to dress and show off boobs, OK it's your body. But you also do it because you KNOW men (other men than your partner) will look. It makes YOU feel good. Yet, you talk about how "I have called him out on looking at other women in the past and how I feel it is demeaning not only to me but to them. " But it's OK for you to put yourself on display? Little double standard there.
It seems to me, that you have come to the realization that YOU CAN probably do better than this "old coot". That a woman who takes care of herself can still turn heads. And there is nothing wrong with that, but it has also made you come to a point where you nitpick him. As a response to him not liking this "new you".
Maybe you need to consider not just the "good times" but the OVERALL time together. WHAT do you get out of dating him? WHAT does he have to offer you (and your son). Is he a positive influence in your life?
From what you write he seems patronizing and negative. Utterly selfish, controlling, and demoralizing.Someone who liked you "better" when you were in a state of anxiety because you were easier to manipulate.
IF ^^ that is who he is, then WHY are you with him?! What kind of role model is THAT for a child?! And what are YOU teaching your boy by staying?
You have to figure out, is he someone I want to date still OR not. You can LOVE someone and be a rotten fit.
I don't think this is really about age. I think it's about incompatibility.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 May 2022):
 Another post where I would dearly love to hear the other side of the story, i.e. your partner's side. The problem with offering an opinion/advice on posts on this site is that we only ever have one side of any story. So, based on YOUR side of this story only (because that is all that is possible), here are my thoughts (in no particular order):
You dress to show off your new figure (which is absolutely your prerogative), including putting your boobs on show, but hate when your partner looks at other women. Double standards possibly?
Your partner loves to travel but you are not able to uproot and go away because you have your son to care for. Given you have been in this relationship for 15 years, I am assuming your son is older than that (unless he is your partner's son as well, which it doesn't sound like from your choice of words). If he is a teenager, unless he has health issues (which you don't mention), he does not need you to be there for him 24/7. Could you have your son stay with a friend (paying board to the friend's parents, of course) so you can go away with your partner for a couple of weeks say? It is easy enough to stay in contact while you are away (with your son and with the family with whom he would be staying).
When your partner was looking at the "skeleton" woman in the gym, do you have any inkling what he was thinking? Perhaps he was thinking "Wow, she's painfully thin"?
Also, just because we are in a relationship, does not prevent us from finding others attractive. Looking isn't the problem; taking it further would be. Men are generally more visually stimulated than women, hence enjoy looking at what they find attractive, including other women. You cannot expect your partner to suddenly have selective vision, just because YOU are insecure. And yes, you ARE still insecure, otherwise the looking would not have been an issue. You know you look good, you feel good, yet you still cannot understand your partner even looking at another woman.
My gut feeling is, now you have found the "new" you, you want to find another partner who is on your level, instead of the "old man" with whom you have been living for 15 years without a wedding ring. This is your prerogative of course and you don't need any excuses to do it (although you list many things which could be viewed that way). Just end the current relationship kindly and completely before moving on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2022): I don't know what answer you are looking for from us, because you said it all ypurself.In fact, ..a wall of text like this, to say that you cannot live like this, that you do not want to go on this way, that he is bad for your mental health, that he won't make you feel loved or respected or listened to,....basically, that he is making you unhappy ,and you still wonder what to do ?? After all that therapy, after all that work on ypurself, is not the answer obvious and evident ??Just leave him ! Break up ! Disentangle yourself ! From your own description, he sounds like he is the bane of your life, not the love of your life ! ( Btw, I 've got the feeling this is about a married man, I don't know of course because you do not mention it in this post, but if it were, that would be per se another huge reason to ditch this toxic relationship).
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