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male
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*ostinlove
writes: Is it obsessive to still love someone your were with for 4 years when you broke up 10 months ago, or is it a sign of true love? When does true love become obsession?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): Idon't think I have ever gotten over my first love. I have had many relationships since then but they never work out. I always go back to thinking about him. The insane thing about it is I haven't seen him for 30 years. I have looked for him many times without success. Just recently he found me. We corresponded for a few days. I found out he's been married for 33 yrs. My heart got broken all over again. It's all I can think about. What is wrong with me?
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female
reader, itsdestieyo  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 no, not at all, a guy i was w/ for like 7 months and it turned into love. he was my first for any sexual expierence and we broke up, 9 months ago and i still love him, if you love them you, always will, nothing wil change that, so its not Obsessive at all (:
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): True love, what is that exactly. I believe that true love has many meanings to different individuals. True love to some may be the comfortable, supportive love you receive from your life partner with a comfortable sexual involvement; it may be the passionate, heated, stressful love you share with another man or woman or something somewhere in between. I don't know how to respond to the obsessive part because I do have clinical OCD and after reading some of these questions and answers, I see that many people suffer in love. Now that is the real issue, should we be suffering in love? Should we be deliberately placing ourselves in harm's way? After all, we know better not to run infront of a tractor trailor truck that is speeding down the road at 110 mph right? We know for the most part what makes us uncomfortable and we try to avoid it in our daily life, but what is it about certain personalities that cling to painful love? That would probably be the best place to begin. Clearly that is where the problem lies and we need to step by step examine that. As I have learned, eventually, even in the most obsessive relationships, something will give and turn it all around for the lovelorn but what if we could abort it when we see the tell tail signs? That is what I/we should be striving for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I have been overwhelmingly obsessed with a woman that told me no to sex and romance more than 2 years ago, but still took me as a friend. I threw myself at her, meeting her at the airport when her boyfriend was too busy; helping her to move to a new apartment etc. hoping that putting her on a pedestal would make her realize that I was the one who really cared for her the the most. She accepted all the gifts and help that I offered gladly and continued to "be friends". at one point I pushed for more intimacy and the rejection of that put me in a mental hospital for a week, but 6 weeks later I was back trying to be "friends" again, sure that there was still some way that I could win her. I was back to carrying her bags to the train station when she was off on a trip to stay with friends for a few weeks. It was only later that I saw the photos of her with the lover who had been waiting for her on that train. She's told me (as a friend, in a casual way) that she's taken gay and lesbian lovers and gone to sex clubs to be with a strange man or men, but even so she would never have erotic feelings for or experiences with me. And I still can't let her go...
...I'm under treatment for depression with lots of drugs and have come to the realization that I just can't see her anymore, but ,God help me, I don't know if I can do it. I still fantasize about us coming together somehow...just once. Just to hold her and taste her once.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I have been overwhelmingly obsessed with a woman that told me no to sex and romance more than 2 years ago, but still took me as a friend. I threw myself at her, meeting her at the airport when her boyfriend was too busy; helping her to move to a new apartment etc. hoping that putting her on a pedestal would make her realize that I was the one who really cared for her the the most. She accepted all the gifts and help that I offered gladly and continued to "be friends". at one point I pushed for more intimacy and the rejection of that put me in a mental hospital for a week, but 6 weeks later I was back trying to be "friends" again, sure that there was still some way that I could win her. I was back to carrying her bags to the train station when she was off on a trip to stay with friends for a few weeks. It was only later that I saw the photos of her with the lover who had been waiting for her on that train. She's told me (as a friend, in a casual way) that she's taken gay and lesbian lovers and gone to sex clubs to be with a strange man or men, but even so she would never have erotic feelings for or experiences with me. And I still can't let her go...
...I'm under treatment for depression with lots of drugs and have come to the realization that I just can't see her anymore, but ,God help me, I don't know if I can do it. I still fantasize about us coming together somehow...just once. Just to hold her and taste her once.
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female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (11 December 2007):
 Hi
It's not unusual at all to have feelings for someone after 10 months. When you've been so close for a long time like 4 years. The good news is you're probably through the worst. IF you stay away, it will be better all round. Any sites online, or books advising you to get over your ex will give the No. 1 tip as go cold turkey. Your feelings about this person are like a drug which you've got to let leave your system.
Stay away from familiar places, don't give yourself time to obsess about the face/loving/conversation of your loved one. Listening to what you both referred to as 'your' song is to be avoided for now. Don't try imagine what your ex is up to, if they're happier with another. And no hacking into voicemails or other scurrilously invasive behaviour. Let them get on with their life. You start to find out about yourself, where your life is going. You're an intresting person too, you deserve to be taken care of, your future planned, your body kept in optimum condition. Don't neglect yourself and put this other person on a pedestal. Try to keep active, maybe pick up a new hobby, make new friends or rekindle old friendships, take care of your relations.
If you have the funds, travel a bit. It's amazing how new activities, new people and a change of scenery will change your perspective. Remember, this person is your ex for a reason, think of all the things you didn't like about them, did they lie? did their perfume/dog/online habits drive you mad. Remind yourself of the not so good about them. Imagine them at their physically most unnattractive, don't keep a glowing picture in your mind (or wallet). Make a list of what you don't want in your next partner, what you do want, start opening your mind and heart to the possibility that there could well be someone out there you will be happier with.
More good news; you've learnt you CAN love, so when your heart gets over this, and with time and commitment from you, it will, you can go on to meet someone better suited to you.
10 months seems a long time, you feel like you're treading water, but you are moving forwards, we are all facing change anyway. Protect yourself now, don't seek out this person, don't stay in contact, if you have a chance meeting, tell them you're busy. Some people have a stronger hold on us than others, our heart beats faster when we see them for a long while after 'the end'. We may always react to this person, but we can get away, we can have a new life, fun, and a new love without them. Life goes on.
Best wishes and hugs, I've been there
Katy
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): no my ex fiance is still madly in love w me he still calls me baby and his wife even though were arent together and i am looking down different avenues he still is there waiting... he loves me so, he will do any and everything for me but we dont get along all the time and i get depressed around him
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): u kno wat ur just too attached to that person....u wil get over her wit time..believe me time heals al wounds..and NO ur not obssesed wit that person..so chill ...
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female
reader, scoobie +, writes (9 August 2007):
I am going through almost the exact same thing. We were together for almost 3 years and we broke up 8 months ago. I cant stop obsessing. He called the cops and filed a harrassment complaint against me(again)when I put a pair of my panties in his mailbox. His son saw me do that and.....yada yada the whole scene sucked, he told the cop everything.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): don't know answer, really.but i guess its certainly when its been so long ago that the question arises'do i even really know this person'.i used to think'yeah,i do know this person,although i don't know what they've experienced since-and how thats changed them' .i am obsessed.this person was virtually my ideal.clearly,i was not theirs.i loved her.she said she loved me,but afterwards she retracted this statement and dismissed it all as just puppy love.A breakup,for various reasons,i could have accepted.but that statement was a killer-which i couldn't accept,and then craved her to recind it-even though it should in theory have no relivance due to the passege of time.i know it's true(her statement)but still crave it not to be.i still crave ANY small form of contact with her-which she wisely refuses.her killer chess-move is the classic"If you love me-you'll leave me alone"
In my experience,obsession never stops.Its true that it 'flared up' really badly when i hit the male menopause and summed up a life of failure(she being the biggest one) and missed opportunities.(I was also incapacitated with illness-so had more time to ponder-illness was so bad that iwasconsidering 'bogging off'=thus i was reavalueing my life to see if i was ready to go .all i wanted to do was see her one last time, i have not seen her for 23 years !!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2006): The general thinking is it takes an average of two months for every year that you were in a relationship to get over that person that you loved and hoped for a lasting relationship, it is a painful thing to go through, but it means that you are going through a grieving process,which is a process and cannot be avoided, just like when you lose someone close that died....Obsession is never true love, obsession is when you have thoughts about another person to the degree that you are compelled to act on them in some way that no longer has a purpose to your life or the relationship....to the point where it interferes with your enjoyment of life. If you are feeling disturbed or frustrated that you think of your ex so much more than you want to, you might seek counseling to get to the bottom of it, if nothing else to have a neutral person to unload your feelings and concerns. It really helps to talk about these feelings of grief, and sometimes friends and family members are the worst to do that with, as they are biased, and get tired of hearing about it. I suggest getting some support from a professional, and even checking to see if you are not suffering from an underlying depression, which may be prolonging the pain of your lost relationship. There is no reason to suffer with this, there are many new medications with little or no side effects that can literally change your life overnight. Don't be afraid to find out if you are depressed-it is a sign of strength to recognize you may need help and support, there is help waiting for you.
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