A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so this is another "Obsessed With Ex" story.I guess I should explain more about myself and why I *think* I'm so obsessed in the first place...Before I met my current boyfriend, I was in a 4 year relationship. V and I grew up as best friends and it was one of those "best friend love" stories, where in the end, you just want them together. However, in the first six months of our relationship, he to a city 8 hours away from me. We decided to stay in a long distance relationship. The first year of my relationship with V was great. We didn't argue, lie, cheat (as far as I know). Anyway, it was March 2007 (2 years into our relationship) that I could not get out of my head. I had always suspected V and my (old) best friend B to having a love affair behind my back. I was never the paranoid and jealous type, so my suspicion stroke me as odd. Eventually though, it wasn't until 2 years after that, when V and I reached 4 years, that I didn't find out the truth. It proved that my gut feeling never lied to me (will be explained later). He planned to visit me during summer of 2009 after finals, and I was ecstatic... However...V and I went through a lot together. He even supported me and my fight with Dissociative Identity Disorder (multiple personalities). It was that disorder that tore us apart...In late 2008, one of my personalities ended up having a boyfriend. I found out in January 2009 about this and tore it between them. In March 2009, I told V about the incident and he was torn. He had always suspected about my condition because my grades were slipping and I was become more and more forgetful. Anyway, at the same time, I found out that V and B had a love affair in 2007. I also found out from him that the real reason he had planned to visit me over the summer of 2009 was because he wanted to be with her again. My assumption was that he was lying, that he was just telling me all of this because of the heartbreak my DID brought upon him. I confronted B about this and she confirmed it, and eventually we both fought and stopped being best friends. And soon enough right after that in late March, V and I both ended aswell. He coudln't take my DID any longer, and I was torn that he had lied to me. The pain was great enough to cause me to switch for 2 weeks.Over the course of the months I began focusing on my DID to prevent the incident on happening ever again. My family and I decided to travel to our home country for the summer. My mother and I eventually ended up going, where I discovered so much about my past and my life. You can say the trip was very life changing, and it also helped me to get over my ex in so many ways. So much that I was happy for him and my old friend and my heart healed. The trip got me very much under control with my personalities and I haven't encountered a switch ever since...Anyway, when I returned to the United States in August 2009 to resume my classes, V tried to get back together with me. Things between him and B didn't work out in the end (she had another boyfriend, the irony). I rejected him. Things have changed too much (but to keep this story from becoming any longer, I won't get too specific on how things changed). I was happy, and I was more focused on my goals.First semester of my new year went very well. And during winter break, I unexpectedly met D. It's as if he walked through the door.... He's in the US Army. I never expected to meet him when I did, let alone HOW I met him. But it was unforgettable. The first few weeks we got to know each other, we fell madly in love. It was something I had never experienced before in my life. It was such a deep love. We had so much in common. And it wasn't common things like "color, video games, etc". It was deep subjects such as life values, philosophy, etc. We understood each other's dreams (something V never showed to me..he was the clingy/obsessive type). I know I sound ridiculous, but it felt like I knew him forever. I am a very closed up person from the people who have hurt me in the past, but D showed me the past is the past and he slowly began reading me like a book. The weeks we got to spend together before he returned to training were utterly amazing. I felt like a normal person. No traumatizing childhood, no one hurting me anymore, nothing. And in D's case too (but we won't get specific; he didn't have DID, just crappy relationships before me). We began dating before he returned to training (AIT) in Arizona. I told him I'd stay and wait for him. And luckily in AIT, you are allowed technology, so he brought his laptop and we had endless webcam dates.When D and I got to know each other much more, I told him about my DID. To avoid the incident with my ex from happening ever again (even though I haven't switched in ages), I told him what happened between me and V. He was very supportive of this, and I was very appreciative. However, while he was in the airport waiting for his next flight for AIT, it was when the ex issue began for me. This was early January 2010. I'm Peruvian, Brasilian, and Italian (vital for this paragraph). While we talked on the phone before he went on the plane, he told me that I was the first Peruvian he had ever met. I asked if I was also the first Brasilian, and he said, "Not really. I dated a Brasilian for about 4 years, that was the longest relationship I have ever had...". Sure, at the time, I didn't think too much of it. Eventually enough I began talking to his mom over the phone so she could get to know me more, and she explained to me her concerns. She is a very nice lady, and said with utter kindness that she does not want to see her son broken again, and that his pain is her pain. I told her that I completely understand, and that she is being a great mother. In early March 2010, D began talking about his Brasilian ex (they ended in 2008). He explained more than he should. He explained that he almost proposed to her but found out she got engaged to someone else and left him. R (his ex) called him in the middle of the night explaining to him she was getting a divorce and going back to him. D was delighted but R never called back and married someone else. And slowly and slowly, R kept returning in the conversations, and I found out that they stayed virgins because they wanted to wait and marry. So he's still a virgin (I'm not doubting him). Over the course of the month, she kept popping up in conversations, and what bothered me most was that D kept calling her "ex fiance" when they were never engaged in the first place. During the course of the month, I found out her name. I decided to look her up, and to my shock, we looked almost identical. Except she was thinner (I know guys don't always love thin women, but still). That's it. We had the same color of eyes, hair, same facial proportions, etc. I was torn. Growing up I had many difficulties with my self esteem. My DID was part of it, but I was also bullied (like sadly, many others) growing up. Over the course of the month I also found out D's friend A is a songwriter. A wrote a song about D's difficulties with R and it is currently a downloadable R and B song (not famous). I'm currently listening to it right now. D could be lying, but still, I can't stop listening to it. I kept comparing myself to R, and D kept mentioning her.For example, D and I like to tease each other a lot. We always joke about "killing" each other because of our constant stupid, risky acts. Then all of a sudden he says, "my ex fiance actually plotted my death and how she could get away with it". Over the course of March, I also began bringing up my past relationship with V to see if D could take the hint. It didn't work, and I eventually stopped talking about V but R would come up every once in a while...D and I are pretty serious. And I know I'm very insecure, but the big question is: should I be alarmed by my obsession or should I just take it as an insecurity? Is it left over pain and trust issues that I had from my previous relationship? Should I confront D about this, or should I just wait until I can gain some confidence? All in all, I KNOW what a 4 year relationship is like (D and R were also long distance). I know the kinds of conversations that happen, because V and I were serious too... I'm afraid, like most girls obsessed with her boyfriend's ex, that D isn't over R or that he will return to her. I know she's married now, but that didn't stop her before...I would never like to blame my DID for this. I haven't switched in a very long time, and I'm very thankful for this. I just want to know if I should really be obsessed about R. She comes up innocently in conversations, and I find myself always listening to the song A wrote for D and R over and over again. D is very kind to me. We've written letters while we were unable to speak for 3 weeks by phone or computer (he was in a Basic Training field before he went to Arizona). And he kept saying that "I know that everything good and bad in my life has led me to you" and "no one would wait for me but you" and "I was always told I was very lucky I just never realized how lucky I was until we started dating". I want to trust D, but my insecurities keep coming up. And like with V and B, they come up for a reason...D's family still seems a bit closed up to me. I still have yet to talk to D's little sister. According to D, his sister and R were very close friends and both gossiped a lot and it hurt his little sister when R dumped him. I sent her a friend request on Facebook which she denied. His mom is the only one that opens to me, which makes me very glad.Anyone in the Army or going through DID who can post would be extremely helpful. Better yet, anyone who has overcome the obsession with the ex who can post will be most appreciated.Thank you for taking your time reading this. Anything helps.Sincerely,L.
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affair, best friend, bullied, confidence, divorce, engaged, facebook, fiance, get back together, insecure, jealous, long distance, my ex, self esteem, still a virgin, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 To stop obsessing about her , you need to change your views about her.
View her in a negative way and demonize her .Rationalize her away by telling yourself that you are much better than her and that you are the one for your b/f and she is in the past and does not matter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks but do you have any advice on how to personally stop obsessing over her?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (9 April 2010):
I think you should make a pact with him not to mention the ex's in your conversations. This would help you to forget the past and live in the present.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlease. Someone help? I'm desperate for some advice. =(
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