A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 14 months now. We hit it off right away, moved in together within 4 months of meeting and have generally led a happy existence. We spent the Christmas holidays apart, as our families live in different states, and during that time, I lost a lot of trust in him because he spent most of the break partying with old friends. As clubbing/"partying" is not something we regularly do, or he expresses an interest in, I was naturally suspicious of why he felt the need to go out every night instead of spending time with his family. When we reunited, I started digging into his past; about past sexual experiences and girlfriends. Before me, the only other long term relationship he had been in was with a girl from his hometown. They were together 5 years during college, but he claims he never loved her (though he would say "I love you" to her to avoid drama) and that he was with her merely because it was convenient. I cannot stop obsessing over her. The fact that they share mutual friends is upsetting to me, as well. For example, he is still myspace friends with her two best friends - I asked him to delete these girls yesterday. The thing is, I can't help but compare myself to my boyfriend's ex in all ways. My boyfriend tells me constantly that he loves me, that I'm the love of his life, but I don't believe it. Also, I feel as though I'm not being acknowledged as his girlfriend by his friends and family. For example, two months after my boyfriend and I started dating, his father (who calls me by the wrong name, by the way) posted pictures of my boyfriend and his ex together on his facebook page. I was livid and extremely hurt by this act - especially as it was his father who posted them! Our relationship is much more mature and significant than his relationship with his ex, yet, I feel as though I don't even register on his family's radar. How can I feel good about my relationship/myself? It's as though I need validation from his family/friends to move forward, and right now, I feel as though I'm not getting it. Also, why would he choose to maintain links with his ex's best friends? So that he can snoop on her via their myspace profiles?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Thank you all for your advice.
My problem with my boyfriend being friends with his ex's best friends on myspace is that when we first started dating, he asked me to remove my ex boyfriend, who I had a plutonic friendship with, from my friends list. Even though my ex and I were on good terms, I did this because I wanted my boyfriend to feel comfortable with me/with our blossoming relationship, and I also wanted to prove to him that I wasn't hung up on my past. I'm now asking him to return this favor/demonstrate his commitment to me and our relationship by removing friends that are linked to HIS past relationship, that make ME uncomfortable. He has agreed to do this, and with little fuss, because these girls really aren't "friends" anyway. I'm not upset about this anymore, but find it odd that he would make this request from me first, but not think to edit his own friends list accordingly.
I AM a terribly insecure person. I've sought out therapy for my problems, but recently gave it up because my boyfriend thought it was having a negative effect on our lives. I am attempting to counsel myself and find myself repeating the mantra "it's no big deal" or "so what" when things like his father posting pictures of him and his ex on the internet, or discovering that he's friends with his ex's best friends come up, but to be honest, it's just a temporary relief measure. Deep down, I'm upset and tend to ruminate on my hurt for a while. I've been getting better, not talking about my insecurities very often, but I'm still not THERE yet.
The thing I'm most afraid of is him leaving me for his ex (who's the same race as him, speaks the same language, grew up in the same neighborhood, etc.). My insecurity tells me that she's going to come knocking at some point and that he'll eventually return to her because of their history (5 years together) and all their similarities (cultural and otherwise), and that I'm going to be left heartbroken, again. Yes, I understand it's not fair to project my insecurities and hurt from previous relationships onto my current relationship, but I don't know how to expect otherwise.
I think what most upset me about his "partying" during Christmas was that he did not tell me about it in advance. If he could've prepped me, maybe it wouldn't have been such a big deal. However, I know if I had done the same thing, he would've been just as upset with me as I was with him.
I don't know if I should stay with him. I love him, but feel that there's a lot to be overcome if we're to remain together. Maybe instead of concentrating so much on my relationship with him, I should take your advice and concentrate more on myself - have my own life instead of devoting myself to "us" and our household.
Thanks again, xoxo
If I had the confidence or
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): I have to agree, this is about your insecurities
You're making some pretty big assumptions and accusing him won't open up the lines of communication...
Good luck and do take a good look at your own self-worth.
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A
female
reader, angel78  +, writes (19 March 2010):
Hi ya have a read of this post, its from a couple of days ago. I cant let go of my boyfriend's past, his ex is all I think about!
Your not alone.
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