A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I first started going out with my wife about 9 years ago, and she had a very strong sex drive at that time. The relationship was great when it came to sex, but we argued a lot and we broke up for several years. We got back together about 2 years ago, and we got along much better. After we got back together she didn't have nearly the same sex drive she used to, so that aspect of the relationship was something of a disappointment. She said that she had become more religous, and she now felt guilty about having sex and that was why she wasn't very interested in sex. We were married several months ago, and I'd hoped the sex would improve after we got married and she stopped feeling guilty about it.But, her sex drive has still been rather low, so we talked about it. It came out that she masterbates frequently at work during the day by clenching her legs together. She says this started due to job stress after we broke up (i.e. about 7 years ago), but she now does it when she's bored, angry, driving in her car, etc. She said she does it at least 2-3 times per day. She seems to have little interest in sex with me, and she turns down my overtures to make love constantly. I had been reading books, researching relationships on the internet, trying very hard to charm and romance her, etc., but nothing worked. Her lack of interest in sex has become a significant issue in our relationship. I had basically given up on having anything more than a mediocre sex life. I'm now quite sure that her frequent masturbation is the cause of her low sex drive and on our attending relationship problems.She says she doesn't want to do it, she's tried to stop, and it interferes with her ability to concentrate at work. She claims she doesn't fantasize about sex while she's doing it, she's not choosing to do it, and it just happens when she's in a stressful situation at her job. She says she has no control over it, it just happens to her. She says I don't understand because I think she's "doing it on purpose".For the most part, I don't care if she masturbates once in awhile, and I have no moral issue with it. But, I am not entirely comfortable with the fact that she does this at work. She claims she's learned to hide it, but I have to believe people know there's something going on. (According to her, she has orgasms right at her desk while other people are around)She is very embarrased about this and is resistant to seeking treatment. Should I give her an ultimatum that she has to at least meet with a counselor and try to stop? Telling her she has to stop altogether seems a bit extreme, and I'd have no way of knowing for sure if she did anyway. But, given that this is having a negative impact on our relationship, it seems to me that it is reasonable to at least expect her to make a serious effort to quit.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (10 September 2011):
 Always be very careful when you issue ultimatums.... and consider what will happen if the recipient of the ultimatum chooses NOT to respond as you would hope...
IF you find a marriage/sex counselor who can help with this matter.... I hope you and she find a do-able solution...
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): OK, you're putting the blame entirely on her. Yes it does seem that she has abnormal and unhealthy compulsions and should get counseling treatment for it, but you're also part of this relationship too. The relationship could also be better if you would or could learn to accept the way things are and be happy with what you do have in her. And besides, you don't know for a fact that if only she was "cured" of her compulsions, that her libido at home would then magically improve, or that it would improve enough for your satisfaction. It may, or it may not. There could only be a marginal improvement. It could even be unrelated. So instead of making this all her fault and trying to coerce her to go to counseling for your benefit (which won't have the outcome you want by the way, because she herself doesn't want to go), why don't YOU go to counseling too with the aim that you should learn to accept your relationship the way it is or at least so it's not all on her but you're going to try and meet her half way? You're trying to change your wife, but really you can't change someone else. They have to want to change themselves on their own. If they don't want to change themselves, there's nothing you can do except change yourself. You can try to persuade her to want to change, but your approach is highly unlikely to succeed. You're not trying to persuade her instead you're trying to force her. A better approach is to be more compassionate towards her rather than focusing on what you need and want from her. that said, if she absolutely refuses to change you are certainly entitled to leave this marriage if you're really really unhappy. But there's a difference between leaving with the attitude of "I'm sorry but I can't handle the way things are" versus "I"m leaving because it's all your fault."
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