A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just need an opinion on this matter, what does it take for a woman to be happy when she says my man makes me happy. Must a man be a provider financially or just to show that he love her by merely being with her. I've dated this guy for 6 years, during that 6 years I was only visiting him during weekends once or twice in a week but now I have move with him and am experiencing how broke he is an how demanding he is towards me like I now have to take care of our house. Imagine this I'm a bread winner at home an worst I now have to take care of him. He works an earn less than me an has 2 kids with different woman. I now regret this cause I never thought it would be this difficult. I hate to pretend but it seems I'm hearding for that route. I've told him how I feel an he was so devastated cause I'm his only hope for him to live a better life an he told me if I live him I'm going down with him. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2013): Hi. I only have one.thing to say. please get out of there now. But if u fear ur life, then wait until his at work and then leave so he can't stop u. but please get out now!!! i wish u the best of luck!!
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 June 2013):
 Here are some Domestic violence resources for women in South Africa. If South Africa is not your country then please let me know and I will post resources that are more appropriate for you.
These resources include 24 hour hotlines and advice lines (anonymous) where you can seek support.
There has to be a way to rework your joint bond.
What is being done - destruction of your property is a form of domestic violence. He has no respect for you and that is not acceptable.
Here are the resources I mentioned above.
http://www.asafeworldforwomen.org/domestic-violence/dv-africa/dv-safrica.html
http://www.powa.co.za/powa/15-get-help.html
http://www.lifeline.co.za/24hr-help-desk/24hr-line/
http://www.lifeline.co.za/projects/victim-support/
The report below is to show that some high level presentations are being written and delivered to underline that domestic violence is being taken seriously by some. But there is more work to do, I agree.
http://www.csvr.org.za/docs/crime/givingwomenvoice.pdf
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 June 2013):
Hi
If you fear for your safety with this man it is all the more reason to break up with him. I know that domestic violence is a serious problem in your country but you cannot keep on living with a man who fills you with fear for your future with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2013): Modnote:Your post could have been entirely rejected or the last paragraph removed. A decision was made to allow your follow up and remove the last paragraph. Your follow up was appropriate. Your last paragraph was deleted as it mentioned a possible crime or crimes. If you are in grave fear for your life and your safety you must get help. The rest of your post is below.- - - - - -- -- - - ------------- ---- --- Thank you very much dorothy an wiseOwlE. To Dorothy, the house is a joint bond. When we had a fight a month ago then I went back home and when I came back I found that our house was now being for sleep overs for friends and making parties on weekends. I even found my dining room suit being a destroyed like it seems when they were drunk they just throw themselves not forgetting my table the legs have scrashes. I even found woman hair our bathroom that were not mine. My shoes were hidden. When he says he will go down with me, he means that he's going to ^^^l me because I would have embarassed him on his friends. Because if I live him we won't be able to pay the bond alone as the full amount is deducted on my salary so I only collect my share on him after it has been deducted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (8 June 2013):
Hi there. And so he is also threatening you as well?
This man really sounds like BIG trouble, he really does.
He does work, so that is one positive thing.
And he is paying out child support to two children, to two different women.
That possibly is very draining on his finances, no doubt.
And it would certainly make him quite short of cash, a lot of the time.
Although it depends on how much he is paying to each child.
And it also depends on how well he manages the rest of his pay packet.
So what I am saying here, is that maybe he is very wasteful with his money.
Does he smoke? Does he drink?
Also, does he contribute to the household expenses - food, bills etc.?
Or, does he give you nothing towards running the house?
Unless he has anything over you that he really could bring you down with him, well then I really can't see any way that he could do this.
He isn't involved in crime of any kind is he?
Or do you know if he gambles?
If he was a gambler, well then that could mean he is in debt for some of his bets.
If he was a gambler, he could be making bets on credit - which he eventually has to pay back.
I really don't know what he could do to bring you down with him, if you did leave him.
Although you have been dating him for 6 years, you haven't been living together for that long, have you?
The moving in together was fairly recent, wasn't it?
You are not legally married, so there are no legal bindings that could implicate you in any way.
Perhaps when he says that, you could ask him to tell you exactly what he means.
Financially, it is not up to you to help him support these 2 children.
They are completely HIS responsibility - NOT yours.
And whatever you do, please don't allow yourself to fall pregnant to him, as this will simply complicate things even more, so be very careful to avoid that at all costs.
And it will bind you to him, and possibly make it very messy indeed.
He may feel that you are the only chance for him to live a better life, but it's not up to you to make him happy.
To be happy is HIS responsibity, and no-one else's.
You can't make him happy.
He has to find a way to make himself happy, and to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
You can't do that for him.
All that you are doing, is providing a financial support system, as he has a roof over his head, and money coming in to pay for food, and to pay all the bills.
And so he has security - for now at least.
You didn't say this, but is this house owned by him?
And if so, does he still have a mortgage on it?
Or are you renting?
Or, is this a house you are buying together, and are paying off a mortgage on?
Because depending on your answer, it could change the situation a little.
But it is not really too big a problem to resolve, should you decide to leave him.
To be happy in a relationship, you need:-
(1) Equal say in all that happens.
(2) Decisions made together.
(3) Each pays equal amounts of money, in sharing household expenses.
(4) Genuine love and respect for each other at all times.
(5) Genuinely interested in each other and in each other's lives.
(6) Be willing to really listen to what the other person has to say and then discussing things in more detail, just to clarify anything that might be confusing.
(7) Being really happy to be in each other's company, and the feeling that there is nowhere else in the whole wide world, that they would rather be.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): In my opinion, you should kick that parasite to the curb.He should pick up an extra job to equalize the financial contributions between you. He has children to support. In all fairness; it's not unusual for women to earn more in a relationship. However; a man has to hold his own, financially. If something happens to you, he should be able to step in, and take care of you both. You shouldn't have to pick up the bill for everything. If he can't offer a substantial sum to the household expenses; you were better off without him. The fact you need to ask what a woman needs to be happy with her man, means you're not happy. You probably feel used. Just being with a man is not happiness. Does he make you feel happy? Does every cent he make go to you and his children? Does he go to the pub; or party with his buddies? Does he make excuses for not helping out?A man should make a woman feel respected, secure, and appreciated. In a good relationship, there is a partnership. No one has to tell anyone what to do, and there is no master or subordinate position. If one partner feels a financial strain, the other is supposed to do everything possible to lift the burden.Both partners should feel comfortable and secure. Writing this post is an indication that you don't.You're not married; so if you offer him a substantial amount of money for an emergency, he should pay you back.Most of the money you earn goes toward food, shelter, utilities, and other living expenses. So if you pay anything that goes outside your home on his behalf, he should return those funds to you. Money he takes from you for anything other than the benefit of your household, or his personal needs, should be repaid.It's one thing to help a guy out now and then; but supporting him when you're not married, that is another.In some countries if you stop supporting a guy, he can sue for palimony. It's hard to prove, and happens mainly to the wealthiest people. Most saw it coming before it happened.However; women get played by men who can't support themselves, or have to pay child-support, all the time.Sounds like he is letting you supplement his income.If he is a responsible father, most of his income should be going to child-support. His children should not need for anything. If he is behind in child-support, or doesn't pay any, then you've got a leech on your hands. kick him out. If he isn't paying support; or you're paying it for him, no wonder he's been with you for six years. You're his sugar mama.If you don't mind supporting a grown man; and otherwise, you have a good relationship; then all is well.
...............................
|
