A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a difficult time interpreting a friends' actions. She and I lived together for some time and before I moved out for law school we had become particularly close/flirtatious. I had never thought it was a good idea to pursue anything while we lived together but after I moved out I thought we might be able to act on our feelings.Here's the rub: while we were living together I had hooked up with her best friend on a few occasions, just casually in what never amounted to anything. So when my former roommate and I broached the subject of a potential relationship she said it would be a bad idea because I had been involved with her friend.I can't tell if this is a legitimate reason or if it's just a line she uses and that I've been misinterpreting her flirtation all along. I've noticed she can be really possessive around me (if I'm flirting with other girls out at bars she'll get really drunk and start making out with strangers in what seems to be attempts to make me jealous). I honestly don't want to play any emotional games with her. I want to try something, and she'll jokingly talk about how we're lovers and sweethearts... but I'm afraid that she's pegged me in the friend zone, and flirts to this degree because we lived together and she knows that I'm capable of respecting friendship boundaries, even if we come dangerously close to crossing them. Or she really might mean what she says... that she can't date me because I have a history with her best friend. In any case, I can't tell. I know this may sound complicated or immature or manipulative or whatever, but I must emphasize that we get along fantastically and are great friends. The problem is I do get jealous when she flirts with other guys in front of me, but I don't know what my recourse is other than to give up hope on us romantically, or tell her how I feel. Any suggestions?
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best friend, drunk, flirt, immature, jealous, moved out, roommate Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses guys. The situation isn't so immediate so I might just try dating some other people first to see if I was really in love with her or just somewhat infatuated because we had become so close. I think too if I give the situation some air I'll get better perspective, and if she is interested than she'll let me know in her own way, and we can address it then. If the feeling is mutual, her friend will have to respect that.I can definitely identify with what you said about jealousy... just from what you mentioned, she came to visit me this weekend but ended up going home with someone else when I left her at the bar to go chat up another girl. And so when I posted last night the jealousy was fresh and raw, and I felt hurt and powerless. But just one night of sleep and some helpful advice and I already feel in better control of my emotions.The one thing that can help me through this is experience... I know what it feels like to fall in and out of love, to be rejected, to have unrequited love. It's painful but it's not the end of the world. I also know what it's like to be in love, to share that feeling with someone, and it's the bsst feeling in the world. So when you have someone who feels right, you want so desperately for things to work out (but of course, they don't always do). If I can give any advice to people out there, especially the younger ones, it's not to get hung up on someone before you're in a relationship with them. Crushes or infatuations fade over time. If it's meant to be, it will be. Wait for your opportunities and don't let them pass you when they arise. And in the meantime, use the time you are single to explore your interests and meet other people.Any other thoughts on the matter? Especially looking for more female perspectives... should I move on without laying things on the table?
A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (29 October 2007):
 From what you have said so far I think that she is interested but she is worried that her pursuing a relationship with you may affect her friendship. Which is true. Maybe you should tell her how you feel, if she is willing, have a talk with the two ladies and let them know how you feel and that you do not want to cause any problems between them but you can not help how you feel. You are all adults, her friend should be happy for you guys and she will have no reason to feel like she betrayed her friend.Good Luck!
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