A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. I am 25 and he is 24. We are very much in love, and we have talked about our future together many, many times. We talk about getting married, having kids, etc. For the most part, our relationship is great, and I wouldn't change a thing.We were in long-distance for five months of our relationship, until he finally moved from Georgia to Colorado to be with me. We went to part of high school together, but never once spoke. We just knew of each other. I found us a place on my own and we furnished it together once he got out here. It was a very smooth transition going from never seeing each other to living together. We have a great time together and enjoy each others' company.When we were in long-distance, all of our time was dedicated to one another. We made efforts constantly to always be in contact with one another whether it be by text, Facebook Messennger, Skype, phone, etc. We would write each other sweet letters and dote on each other left and right. Despite the fact that we weren't anywhere near each other, it was as though nothing existed outside of the two of us. We promised to never take each other for granted and to always TRY for one another, even once the distance between us was gone.It sucks to say, but my insecurities are really hurting us. I hate to admit that these insecurities are of my own doing. (Please take this with the least amount of snottiness in mind..) I'm a good catch. I'm intelligent and witty and easy to talk to. I've got a great body, nice facial features, etc. I buy lingerie on the regular to spice things up for him. I'm always putting him before myself in every circumstance. His happiness comes before my own. I'm not sure where my insecurity stems from.Prior to this relationship, I was in another long-distance relationship in high school. I moved up to Washington State from Arizona due to that relationship. I broke up with him six months later because I wasn't happy with him. After that I was in a relationship for four years that resulted in being married for about a year. Once again, I asked for a divorce because I was unhappy. Both of these guys were absolutely devastated when I left, but I felt no remorse for the ends of those relationships.Time for my actual problem: I'm terrified that he's going to leave me. Our relationship is a great one most of the time. We both work full-time and spend a lot of time at home just relaxing. He's a sweetheart and respects me. We've gone out a few times since he's been here and each time has resulted in something going wrong. Once he went out with co-workers for what was supposed to be a couple drinks for a couple hours. This resulted in him being gone all night and I wasn't contacted until the next morning. He apologized profusely about that night, but said that absolutely nothing happened worth apologizing for other than not getting a hold of me somehow. A couple of the other times we went out together he blacked out due to intoxication and doesn't remember doing a couple things that were very out of character for him. This incident hasn't occurred in about three months, though. It just makes me worry that the times that I might not be with him that something will happen that he doesn't remember or have control over. I know he would never intentionally hurt me, and he hasn't. He hasn't been out of the house without me (outside of work) except for maybe four times total.Another issue is that he is constantly playing video games. As I mentioned, we both work full-time, so I feel that the time we do have off together is precious. Unfortunately, when it comes down to it, he allots at least two to three hours of that to playing games. He is often up much later than I am, sometimes until three or four in the morning. I've talked to him about this before, and he just asks me if I would rather him socialize via interactive shooter games or him go out and drink with the guys. Obviously it's the former, but that doesn't seem like a fair compromise. We'll get home from work and not even an hour after we get home, he'll tell me that his friends are online and that he wants to play a game. I hate getting frustrated about it, because I know it doesn't really hurt anything, but it just makes me feel inadequate somehow.Whenever I discuss these insecurities with him, he seems to get offended. With the going out thing, he feels that I don't trust him when he hasn't done anything untrustworthy. With the gaming thing, he says that he moved across the country to be with me and left all of his family and friends behind, so he uses that to socialize with friends back home and friends from work.I wish I could spell all of this out in ways that didn't seem so bad, because there are honestly MANY more good times than not with us. I do love him, and I know we could be the happiest ever together if I could just learn to let a lot of this stuff be and stop dwelling on it. I was just wondering if anyone has felt a similar insecurity and learned to let it go. Or if someone could just tell me that this is completely normal behavior for a guy and that I have absolutely nothing to be insecure about.
View related questions:
broke up, co-worker, divorce, facebook, insecure, text, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2014): I should clarify that the night he was gone all night, he was switching providers for service (his phone had been out of commission for a couple days as he was waiting on a talk card from Straight Talk), so he had no way to call or text me directly. I told him that if necessary to please text/call me from a friend's phone. When it got to be midnight, I added the guy he was supposed to be out with on Facebook and messaged him (I had no contact info of any of the people he worked with). He told me that my boyfriend had passed out at his place and that I would see him tomorrow, this was after I begged him to give me the address to where he was just so that I could get him home safely.
The next morning I received his Straight Talk card at the door. I went to his work (he was supposed to work at nine) to give it to him. They told me he had called out due to weather conditions (it was flooding everywhere). The same co-worker I messaged was there and I asked him where he was. He admitted to me that he hadn't seen him since they split off into two groups of co-workers and didn't know where he had wound up. His manager's called another co-worker and eventually tracked him down. He called me around 10:30 and said that he crashed on a co-worker's couch and by the time he figured out what he'd be doing, he didn't want to wake me or disturb me.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 February 2014):
 There seem to be two separate issues here that I would like to address.
First, you said he went out with coworkers for drinks and stayed out all night without contacting you. I don't know about you, but if I lived with my partner and they said they were going out for a couple hours and never came home and never contacted me or was reachable, I would panic. my partner and I don't live together yet, and even still, if she didn't let me know she made it home safely after a night out, I would panic. We have been together a while and just keep up with each other in that way. And even more so when you live together. I wouldn't sleep a wink that venture night. I might even call hospitals and jails to see if they were there.
So in that regard, that's bullshit. I'd be PISSED. I, personally, don't think you are remotely in the wrong about your feelings on that. I'm just curious - how did he explain where he was? And why he couldn't contact you? I'd be curious to know. Either way, you just don't do that. He better promise you that he won't do that shit again.
As for the video games, you've got to keep in mind that you're living together now. that's a whole different ballgame than living separately. When you don't live together, it's rude to spend a lot of time playing video games or on your phone, etc, because when you are together, it's like a date, in a sense. you don't always get to see each other when you don't live together, so when you do see each other, you focus on spending it together. But when you move in together, you need to start accepting each others own personal space and privacy. If he wants to play his video games, that's okay. He needs to have his own time. Moving in together does not mean he has to spend every bit of free time with you. It just means you two should go about your normal lives and take the same time out you did before you moved in together and spend that time together. The quickest way to run him off and smother him is to take his personal alone time and space away. Everybody needs that.
On the other hand, if he's beginning to neglect you then that's a problem and needs to be addressed.
Best of luck.
...............................
|
