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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: hello everyone, ive been having trouble dealing with my recent breakup. two months ago my ex broke up with me out of the blue because he said he felf 'disconnected' from me and that the distance between us was too much (im going to a university in the city and hes still in the suburbs an hour away). we hadnt been able to see each other as much, but i came home every weekend to see him. weve had a tough relationship from the start with a lot of obstacles in terms of other people trying to keep us apart, but we always pulled through because we loved each other. we were together for 18 months and after he broke it off he still wanted to stay best friends. i tried it, but he still called me all the time like you would a gf and it got confusing. he changed his mind and said he wanted to start over with me fresh, and as soon as that was working he backed out again. after about two months of him going back and forth, i finally put my foot down and told him i couldnt be in his life and not to call me. a few hours later he called, but i didnt pick up. i know he loves me, i just think hes confused about how to deal with all the changes in our lives. i love him more than anything and its so hard to be away from him. my question is, now that ive let him go, will he come back to me after we spend some time apart?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to all the advice, ive kept everything youve all said in mind and youve all helped me soo much.
im trying to take better care of myself. its been a week and i havent tried to reach him at all.its been hard, but i kept telling myself that im done chasing him. if he wants me, this time away from each other will make him realize what hes lost and he'll chase after me.
i recently got a new job to fill up my weekends so that i dont think about him as much and i can save up for a trip this summer. im in need of a serious vacation.
as for the pregnancy issue, my period stopped for a couple of days and then it came back again today. i talked to a family friend and she thinks i had a miscarraige for sure and that my body is cleaning itself out. is this normal?
and as for my ex, now im faced with the issue of whether or not i tell him about the miscarraige. my friends think he deserves to know, but i feel like it really wont make a difference because either way, there is no baby and we are still not together. should i wait it out until he comes to see me (which is not for sure, but i have a feeling he will come)? should i call and tell him? or should i never tell him even if he asks?
A
female
reader, becks81  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 So very concerned for you so much that maybe you should of seen someone in the end i'm not always for medication but things aren't black and white. If you need help don't feel bad or silly for asking for it because you get one life and you must value yourself and this precious gift.
Nobody's judging your ex or your situation only you knew who is so nobody can take that away but you have to put yourself and your health first. Time for you will not only help you but him also if you really love him then you have to let someone go sometimes. Not judging him again but if he loves you like you say maybe he knows he has to stay away for you because of the pain and problems that have arisen from his being around. I;m sure he realises you deserve the best and he respects you so he will want whats best for you if he;s the person you paint him to be.
The fact is the puppy love argument has nothing to do with it because people fall in love with someone and its real at any point young or not it;s how you deal with the powerful emotions that can surface when things go wrong that perhaps someone older has an advantage slightly over you.
If you truly love each other give it time and space and you will find each other again if that's right for you both. Placing pressure on yourself and him (you say he;s confused) will only make things worse and push you back to that dark place i don't want to see you in.
Time is the healer it;s so true i never believed it but i wont pretend that sometimes when we really i mean really love someone they leave an imprint in your heart that never goes away and somehow it becomes a comfortable in the end and i guess that's the treasured memories part kicking in sometimes.
I really hope that your pain will ease soon.
Take care
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much to everyone's advice. there are a few things though that i need to make clear so that everyone better understands my situation.im so sorry this is so long, but please be patient.
He is my first boyfriend and im his first girlfriend too. we both lost our virginity to each other and we were each others everything.hes had a tough time dealing with family issues and hes pretty closed off about his emotions. im the only person he ever goes to for everything. in our culture, dating is highly looked down on but our parents knew about it from the start and my parents were actually understanding of our situation. his on the other hand insisted i would distract him from school, even though ive been a straight a student my whole life and a complete bookworm.
given everything we still got through times when we couldnt see other for weeks. and when we did spend time together it had to be a secret from our parents, there was always strain on our relationship. things were going well earlier this year, he met my two great-aunts which again in my culture is a HUGE step and they loved him and i thought we were solid.
when he broke up with me he had been feeling lonely because he thought i was moving forward and he was still stuck in the same place in his life. i think thats what he meant by feeling distanced. the day he broke up with me was really bad timing, b/c i had been really stressed out from school and not eating or sleeping well. long story short, i was home that friday and i collapsed at the top of the stairs from a combination of stress and dehydration. i hit my head really hard and was rushed to the ER in the middle of the night where i was given multiple IVs. my parents found out about the break up and blamed him for my collapse. he called me 15 times the next two days but i was in such bad shape i could only sleep.
i talked to him later on and we tried to be friends, only it was like we were in a relationship but w/o the label. he called me all the time and told me he missed me and that he was confused about whether or not he was 'in love' with me or just loved me. we saw each other still and he was distant sometimes and other times he acted the same way he used to.
after about a month and a half of confusion, he told me he realized that he still loved me and always would. he suprised me by showing up at my dorm, hearing him tell me this brought me to tears, and we ended up making love that night. the next day he said it meant something but he didnt want to go back to the same relationship and wanted to completely start over with me. so we were back to being friends. we spent more time together and finally he wanted me back and in the spur of the moment we slept together, but it was unprotected (first and only time i will ever be that stupid).
a week later he was back to being hot and cold about what he wanted, but through all this time he was still checking up on me everyday to see how i was. to add on to everything though, my mom found out we slept together and threatened to kick me out of the house and never speak to me again. she said only marraige would fix this, but he refused to even consider it b/c he said we were too young and he didnt know how he felt about me. again, sex before marriage is FORBIDDEN in my culture, people get killed over it in some countries, so you can imagine how scary everything was.
through all of it he kept calling to make sure i was alright and even visited me again. during that week i realized i was late and took a pregnancy test. it said i wasnt, but i was experiencing all the symptoms of being pregnant. i went to a clinic and the lady i spoke to thinks i was but had a miscarraige b/c i have my period now and its the worst it has ever been and im still throwing up all the time. when i told him i was going to the clinic he was concerned and caring, but i was so angry with him walking out on me that i told him i would take care of it and it wasnt his responsibility anymore and not to call me.
today i found out he texted my best friend to ask about how i was. she of course didnt text back, but i have a feeling hes going to show up at my dorm. during all of this, iv lost so much weight my friends and family say i look like im dying from a disease, my grades have suffered (im pre-med), and my close relationship with my mother is strained even though she is being more understanding then i could have ever hoped for (we talked things out).
idk, i know he loves me, i can feel it in every ounce of my being. and please dont right me off as a stupid teenager experiencing puppy love. i know what puppy love is, and this was the real thing. i know we are meant to be even though we are both so young. but when you find the right person, you know it, and i consider myself blessed for finding it so early on in life. even though he has hurt me alot, hes not a bad guy. hes the sweetest person you could ever meet,hes just so confused about how he feels. i know he tried to make this less painful and right now is respecting my request not to call. everyone wants me to kick him out of my life, but despite everything i still have faith that he will come back to me. im the only person in this world with enough patience to know how to deal with him. i just think that some time away from me will make him realize that he is still in love with me and is just as miserable without me as i am without him.
please, if anyone can give me some good insight on whether im doing the wrong thing please do. im having such a rough time dealing with all of this, i got to such a horrible point where my parents actually considered anti-depressants and a therapist. im doing a little better now by not thinking about it and repressing my emotions, but i know im not alright and i may never be. everyone who knows is concerned and think he will come back because he still loves me despite everything hes said to the contrary. i feel so lost, am i doing the wrong thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2008): never give up! Give in time, instead of breaking up, ask for space (but still be in contact, just not as frequent) This should let the dust settle and bring about a stronger friendship/relationship! TRUST ME IV BEEN THERE AND DONE IT!
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female
reader, becks81 +, writes (21 October 2008):
My heart really goes out to you because we have all been there but i cant tell you that there's no guarantee he will come back sorry if this hurts you.
Even if he does come back and wants to make another go of it things were hard the first time around and it seems it caused you a great deal of pain but perhaps because you love him that's all you can focus on don't forget why you split in the first lace.
It is bad that you tried again with this person and had your feelings hurt again after you did so well putting yourself first and holding out on contact dont forget you did this then and your stronger than you might realise.
Thing is if indeed this person did go lightly into the relationship again and sorry if this was not the case that's my take on your wording what makes you think he wont do it again? can you really take that again i know i've been there and it feels like you've already had one blow and then your kicked to the curb again not a good feeling for anyone.
If you really love each other then im not going to pretend that things like distance aren't a factor but hang on a minute he's only an hour away is he for real!!!not making assumptions but sounds like a poor excuse if you really love someone you at least try and make the distance work if you can call it that.
Please if anything think long and hard about yourself first take sometime out because you may find in the end you don't want him back anyway. It's easy for someone who's had this happen to say all this but i dont wish all the pain and thoughts about what if's and going over and over things to do what it has to myself or a lot of my friends.
Good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): if you know you love him and he loves you is then you shouldn't give up hope that you two can get back together. but i do recomend that you should try to stay in his life because you wouldn't want him to move on in the little time you are seperated. but don't give up on your relationship.
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